Down Memory Lane

Strolling down the pathways of my life, it reminds me of all the memories I have left and will be leaving. I’m a grown up now. I have been through many obstacles in life, suffered and survived. But those obstacles are just little introductions of the major ones to come and to be faced by no other person than me.

Strolling back down the pathways I have taken, I have never realized until this very moment, how different I have been. I am not the old person I used to be. Many things I said I would never do, I have done. People that I swore I would never hurt, I have already hurt. I know that change is something I can never avoid. Without realizing it, I am changing.

I don’t know what future lies for me. Nobody does except for Allah the Almighty. Only he knows what he has already planned and decided for me. All I know, I have not been that devoted to him. My mistakes.

As I stroll back down the memory lane of my life, how happy I am to know that I have met many people whose spirit and life have given tremendous influence to me. How happy I am to know that I am still having few of them in my life, to share the joy and happiness, to have shoulders to cry on and to enjoy every single day in peace and harmony.

Life takes funny turns at time
In just merely 4 days, 2007 will be over, for good. Another year will pass by me. A year filled with sadness, joy, love, betrayal, lies, mistakes and emptiness. My life took so many funny turns. Funny turns that weren’t even funny anymore. I once said, life is so cruel just because I was in a very stressful situation. I was devastated, frustrated and I shall say, dumb.
But the truth is, life is not being cruel to me, or to anyone else. Life is just, unpredictable. “The future none can see and the road we leave behind, ahead lies mystery”.

Life is a learning process. You grow older, you’d become wiser. That’s what I believe in. And yes, I believe I am wiser than before. I am wiser today than yesterday. Sounds pathetic but I do believe in it.

Whatever significant events or thing that has happened to me for the last one year, they shall remain in my heart as memories that I will never forget. I still miss the one that I have lost. The waves of the anger and frustrations have swiped away the love that I have kept inside but the tracks are still fresh as ever.

I’m crying as I’m moving on. I’m crying as I’m thinking of all the things I should have and should not have done. I’m crying as I’m thinking of all the bad things that I have committed. I’m crying as I’m thinking about all the hearts that I have hurt. How terrible I was as a person. God, forgive me.

No fear I have in me, for what’s coming in the future. No fear I have in me, though I know I’m growing older. There no options given. It is a fact, proven. I just hope I could get through the sunny days and the rainy days, without being burned or drenched in water.

I wish I could be better.
I wish my life would be better.
I wish to have more friends.
I wish to be happy.
I wish I could share the happiness.
I wish, and still wish, and will be wishing.

Someone is leaving me. I don’t know how to cope with it, but I’ll be as strong as I can.

God, please give me strength so I can prevail.
Let me climb the stairs of love to have a glimpse of your heaven. Let me climb the stairs of love to feel the sincerity of others. Let me climb the stairs of love to be what I want to be. Let me, and please…let me.

Amin.

Goodbye 2007, thanks for all the memories.
Goodbye my love, I'll be missing you.

Happy New Year To All Of You.

Melawan Kesepian

Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata yang tertahan
Waktunya tuk di jatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu kulawan
Kesepianku...

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun itu
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu kulawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu kulawan
Kesepianku...

Di Sudut Gelap Mentari

berkecai hati terhempas tak bersambut
sendiri ku pungut cebis derainya
bersama raga nan hampa melara
ku hanyut terbiar dalam gelora

ingin benar ku jadi milikmu
hingga akhir masa kita bersama
namun mimpi dan hakikat berlaga
nurani ku jua jadi mangsanya

lalu ku pergi
membawa diri ini ke sana menjauh
mencari teduh di sudut gelap mentari
merawat kembali serpihan hati
di gelap mentari

hanya kau yang lebih tahu mahumu
perasaanmu tak bisa ku paksa
keputusan mu yang pedih menyiksa
hanya mampu ku berdiam terima

lalu ku pergi membawa diri ini ke sana menjauh
mencari teduh di sudut gelap mentari
merawat kembali serpihan hati
tiada ruang redup teduh buatku
menghuni tanpa ada bayangmu
melingkari hidupku

sungguh aku menyintai dirimu
namun hati mu tak bisa ku paksa
keputusan yang terlalu menyiksa
hanya mampuku berdiam terima

lalu ku pergi
membawa diri ini ke sana menjauh
mencari teduh disudut gelap mentari
merawat kembali serpihan hati
di gelap mentari...di gelap mentari...


Maya Karin
OST Anak Halal
2007

p/s: touching :(

Anak Halal : Halal Ditonton

Yesterday, I have been invited by a good friend of mine who is also a well known blogger ( well known la kan? Muahaha), Mr Ajami Hashim for an unofficial gala night screening (sebab ada goodie bags segala!) of the lastest Osman Ali’s movie, ANAK HALAL.

I don’t really do reviews but sometimes I do. So here is my take on the movie:

Amazing cast! That’s all I can say.

Putting aside Maya’s “weird” street-malay accent, her acting was better than any of her previous work especially those in Shuhami Baba’s movie. She has elevated herself to a different level. Props to her. The body language, the emotions and the way she portrayed her character, really good.

I never knew Farid Kamil is such a great actor! I just love him in this movie. His acting was natural. I can never imagine anyone else playing Inderaputra. Osman chose ( I believe he did) the perfect actor for the part.

The rest of the cast were really great too especially Adiputra, Raja Farah (the psycho girl), Fauzi Nawawi, Bront, Remy Ishak ( goodness gracious me!) and the others. Even Fasha was good. Well, compared to her previous movies, I think this is her best to date ( but not as good as Maya, which is clearly the HEROINE of this movie..she saved the HERO…so..DUH! ). But her voice is such a turn off! Major one! Although I can say her acting, to me, is around the same level as Erra Fazira (which I’m still wondering how she managed to win the best actress award few years ago) but at least Erra has a pleasant voice.

In terms of storyline, I can understand it. There were humors here and there, scene ganas pun banyak, few of romance , many actions, screaming, shouting, and not to mention, quacking ( Fasha was really good at this). Osman managed to show the other side of Kuala Lumpur. I like it. The alleys, the bawah jambatan port, the atas flat port, and the life of people living in the projects ( public housing/flats) which rarely pictured in other malay dramas or movies and other stuffs too.

I have zero knowledge in filmmaking, so I’m not going to talk about the technical side like the plots, the script, the editing and also the art direction work. All I can say the movie captured me as a whole. It can be better though. Congrats to the team for making such a good movie. Thanks to Ajami. And oh, I met Bront and Remy. They were nice. Have I mentioned, goodness gracious me? I guess I did. Ajami would understand. Hehehe

3.5/5 Stars. Well done! Memang HALAL untuk ditonton.

Blackout!

Been very busy lately. Just received few tasks form my bosses and I'm gonna be a lot busier next week. Gosh.

Aha. 4 days left. Wait...now is 12.39 am. 24th November 2007..so actually 3 days left. Yeah. Can't wait for my birthday. Why? Nothing. Just feeling happy.

Have you got yourself a copy of Britney Spears new album, Blackout? If you haven't, get your freaking asses to the the music stores and grab one (in one condition, you must be a fan of her. If not, forget it and don't waste your papers). The album is freakin' awesome! Her best album by far and the best dance album to date (well, I don't really listen to any other dance album fyi..screw it..who cares! haha).

But seriously, if you like dance music,you know, kaki clubbing etc, then this album is a must have. 12 brilliant, infectious track (no sappy ballads!). For once, I can listen to every single song from an album. Usually there will be 2-3 which I will skip but this album, no-no.

Here's the cover artwork for the album (for those who is still living in the cave and somewhere in the amazon rainforest)

Pretty bad huh? Here is where the phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover" should be applied. It's true. The cover maybe hideous but the songs aren't. It's just hit after hit. And here is the tracklisting. Next to it would be my rating for the song :

1. Gimme More 8.5/10

2. Piece Of Me 8.5/10

3. Radar 8/10

4. Break The Ice 9/10

5. Heaven On Earth 6/10

6. Get Naked (I Got A Plan) 6/10

7. Freakshow 7/10

8. Toy Soldier 9/10

9. Hot As Ice 8/10

10. Ooh Ooh Baby 8/10

11. The Perfect Lover 7/10

12. Why Should I Be Sad 9/10

Bonus Tracks :

13. Get Back 7/10

14. Everybody 8/10

15. Outta This World 7/10

So, you can actually know which are my favs right? But all of them are just great. Trust me. Anyway, that's all for tonight. Don't forget to get the album ya? Hehe. See ya!

Latest Crap

It has been quite long since I last posted anything here. By the way, see anything different? Yes, the header. You’re absolutely right. I have changed it. Inspired by the Astro Ria’s hmm..I don’t know what to call it. But it’s there, on Astro. I just want to have something more, fun and funky and so-called artistic so, there you go.

I have started my new job. Yes, a new job, again. No, it’s not my hobby. Job hopping is certainly not going to be in my list. Long story short, I resign from my previous job 2 days before raya. I asked for a transfer from the sales department to the marketing so after submitting my letter, I have to wait for the marketing people to call me and do the follow ups as I have forwarded my resume to my sales manager, and he has forwarded it to the marketing director.

I received the call from the market dept on the 16th of October. I screwed up the phone screen, badly. The person didn’t know anything about me asking for a transfer. He just called me up after his boss (the marketing director) gave him my resume. 

I was kind of pissed at that time because what’s the point of me writing a letter of transfer and stuffs, just to know that, in the end, I have to go through the same procedure!. To make things even better, the guy who called me, didn’t know anything about it! 

Maybe that’s why I failed the phone screen. I explained to him my real situation and he was like, so blur but still he asked me the stupid interviewer questions. The questions were so damn bloody annoying. As if I was applying for a minister’s job. 

I mean, come on, do I still need to go through the same process like when I first applied for the sales executive job? His accent was so fucking irritating too. It was kind of funny to listen to him actually. It’s neither British nor American. It’s not even Australian and even far from Singaporean or Malaysian. I just don’t know what to call it. Nah, screw it! Goodbye ME!

So, I applied for another job and thankfully, I got it. As a research executive for a publishing company. I was on “free leave” for almost three weeks, and I started my new job on the 1st of November. The office is quite nice. I mean, there are only around 25 staffs, so it’s not really a big company. 

The fist two days were pretty boring because I had nothing to do. My boss asked me to just read the magazines, and get to know the publication better. The people are nice too. But I haven’t got the chance to get to know them better because they are quite busy with their jobs. Hopefully, the coming weeks are gonna be better. Fingers cross!

I’m turning 20 in 23 days time. Should I be happy, be sad or what? I should just be positive right? Like a friend of mine once told me, it’s a law of attraction. Be positive and you will attract all the positive things to come your way. That sounds really good eh? But kind of fairy tale-ish because nothing is gonna stay good, forever. Right?

I just hope, this time around I will get to celebrate my birthday in a nicer way. Hopefully there will be lots of presents too (which I doubt. Hahaha!). No, I’m not asking for any gifts, but I just hope people would remember my birthday (especially my friends) as I remember theirs. Simple, isn’t it? 

It’s a kind of appreciation if we do remember someone else’s birthday. To me, it means that you do actually, care for the person even as just a normal friends. 

Nothing else for me to write actually. If I were to post my daily activities one by one, it’s gonna take me forever. But that’s not the main point. It’s gonna be seriously boring as I don’t have and don’t do that much of interesting and fun activities. Sad huh? Never mind.

Goodnite y’all!

Alone

I’m getting the same feeling again. I have no idea why. But I just keep feeling it. I have tried my best to not feel anything like this anymore but seem to me, it’s not working.

What am I looking for?

A lover?

Who doesn’t, right? But itu ke yang aku perlukan?

Maybe.

Friends? I have friends. I do want to have more friends. But they are just friends. They come and go.

Sad.

I can’t specifically say what I need. But all I know, I need someone.

Sesorang yang aku boleh luangkan masa bersama.

Seseorang yang boleh aku ceritakan segala-galanya.

Seseorang yang aku dapat jaga.

Seseorang yang aku tahu boleh meluangkan masa untuk aku.

Seseorang yang aku tahu mahu mengambil berat terhadap diriku.

Seseorang yang aku tahu sayang padaku kerana aku cukup penat untuk menyayangi orang lain begitu sahaja. Sigh..

I’m a loner. And I’m lonely. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know how long will I be like this.

Raya Raya Raya

Aidilfitri dah masuk hari ke-8. It has been quite a good raya for me. But in terms of celebration, taklah semeriah macam raya-raya yang lepas. Tahun ni pun shopping raya pun tak banyak sangat because I don’t have anything to buy pun. My baju melayu is still in a good condition. I used my last raya punya. To me, there’s no need for you to waste if the baju melayu is still good. Maybe next raya I will get a new one. 

My first day of raya was pretty much the same as previous years. Went to my uncle’s house and granma’s place. The best thing about raya to me is the food and of course, this is the only time you’ll get to have everyone together. Yelah kan, usually semua org akan busy during the normal days so susah nak jumpa dan bertanya khabar.

The rest of raya days, ada yang I ikut my parents pergi beraya, ada yang duduk rumah saje dan ade jugak I went out with my friends. Like the other day, I went out with one of my friends, Wan. We went for karaoke because he was bored and so was I. We karaoked (is there such word? Haha) for almost 3 hours. From Sogo (the karoke place, Red Box Ria) we jalan kaki to Masjid Jamek LRT Station.

Sambil-sambil tu, melihat-lihat la jugak keadaan bandaraya Kuala Lumpur. I would love to take pictures but my phone camera is not that good, so malas. Sampai dekat situ, ingat plan nak tengok wayang because malas nak balik rumah awal-awal but then after spending almost half an hour time looking for cinema’s phone numbers and show schedule, we cancelled the plan. Instead we jalan kaki again from Masjid Jamek to Puduraya’s area. 

I’m not really familiar with that area and I’ve never actually jalan kaki around that part of the city. Sampai area Puduraya, I was feeling hungry so we tried to find any place to eat, but my appetite was more to real food instead of fast food, so we couldn’t find one.

I joked, maybe we should walk from Puduraya to Bukit Bintang because malas nak naik LRT. Guess what? We did. We walked. It was damn far and tiring but it was something fun because I’ve done that before in my whole life. I think we walked like around 2 km? Crazy huh? Yeah. 

Then we arrived kat Bukit Bintang area and we chose to eat at one of the famous nasi ayam restaurants over there. Actually, I chose to eat there and he just followed me. Thanx =). After we had our dinner, we walked straight ahead to Sg Wang plaza and did some shampoo shopping. After that, sebab dah penat and it was around 9 pm dah masa tu, we decided to just balik. We walked from Sg Wang to STAR LRT Hang Tuah’s Station. 

Yes, it was like a marathon. Damn tiring but like I said, it was fun. I had fun that day. 

Anyway, that was few days ago. For your information, I have actually left marcusevans. Why? Because I have this brilliant plan of furthering my studies. I actually asked for a transfer from the sales department to the marketing and my manager asked to write a resignation letter and wait for the marketing people to call me because he already forwarded my resume to them. 

The problem is now, they did call me like few days ago, but the person yang call I didn’t know the real situation. I guess he wasn’t supposed to know pun kot. Whateverla. I screwed up my “unexpected” phone screen. So basically, I have totally lost my job. How sad right? So I ended up applying jobs using jobstreet. I was very worried because I was unemployed, yet again. 

I applied for a job with Mongoose Publishing, located in Menara Ambank (somewhere around KLCC for those yang nak tahu, the tall building behind Public Bank HQ) and they called me for an interview which I went on Friday, and after a good session of interview, I got the job! 

Alhamdulillah. I didn’t expect to get a job that soon, but prolly it was meant to be. They offered me a good salary and I’m going to start on the 1st November. So I have like 2 weeks of free time to waste now. Yuhu! Oh by the way, my position in the company would be, Research Executive. 

Things are going pretty well for me. Alhamdulillah. Berkat raya maybe. Haha. I have so many other things to write, but at the moment I’m so sleepy. I guess I need to get some sleep first because tomorrow, I would be slightly busy than usual. Why? Raya la! Hehe

I guess it is still not too late for me to wish my readers, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin. Goodnite =)

p/s: I miss you so much Awak. Dunno why. But I do.

New Desktop!

Ramadhan tinggal seminggu je lagi. Not sure whether I'm happy about it or not. Even I don't feel that excited about raya anymore. Don't know why. Maybe there's nothing new about it that I need to look forward to?

My raya will be pretty much the same. By the way, this is going to be my first time raya-ing as a working guy. Haha. Sound big but meh...nothing special bout it. Coz still, I don't have THAT much money to spend also. habe to use my last month salary coz my next salary will only be available in my account after raya. Damn!

Anyway, I'm gonna start my raya leave on the 12th and supposedly by office will be reopened on the 16th but I have decided to take unpaid leave for about three days. Why unpaid leave? This is due to the fact that I'm still under probation and I'm not allowed to utilize my annual leave even though I'm entitled for 4 days! Whatever! 

So basically, I'll be on leave for about 9 days. 9 freaking days you guys!! That's huge okay. Yay! But I don't know what I'll be doing. My first day of raya will be at my nenek house and few of other relatives houses. The 2nd day? No idea. The rest of the free days? Blank! Well, tengoklah macam mana nanti. Just wait and see.

Last saturday, I kena this bad food poisoning. Diarrhea to be specific. Coz I didn't vomit or anything like that. It was baaadd. But I still puasa coz I don't want to waste it just because of this stupid thing.  And I was weak. 

Yesterday, I had to see the doc coz the diarrhea masih lagi berlaku and the doc gave me some pills to be taken (which I don't really take) and she gave me two days of sick leave. Heaven I tell you! But it was kind of funny. The doc can't stop talking. She kept on talking talking and talking. I tak dapat cerita banyak pun about what I was having. I wanted to laugh coz I couldn't understand anything that she said. Thank you anyway. =)

Today, I woke up around 11 something. I slept late last night coz I was busy renovating my desktop. I reformated my computer and I changed the interface. Nak feeling feeling guna Mac. Thanx to Saleh coz he taught me few things. Thanx man! Wanna see how my desktop look like now? Here you go..

 

Cantik tak? Hehe. Knowing me, I'm still not satisfied. Muhahaha! Will work hard to make it better. Yelah, tak dapat pakai Mac computer, dapat dia punya interface pun jadi laa...huhu. And oh, by the way, I'm also using a new web browser. No longer internet explorer or mozilla firefox, but it's the fabulous, SAFARI by Apple. Damn nice. Like it so much! =)

Later this evening, I'll be buka puasa-ing with my colleague at my new favourite shopping mall, The Pavilion! Hope it will be a good buka puasa session.

I guess that's all la kot for this time. I'll update soon (if I have the pictures) my makan-makan session punya story. See ya!

I'm Dying!

I feel like quitting.

I don't know. I just feel like it.

Should I follow what I'm feeling right now?
or should I just continue on doing this?

*Deleted*

Sigh. What am I becoming? A hopeless, helpless, whatsover-less person?

In an exact 12 minutes time, a friend of mine will be celebrating his birthday. I will not be able to wish him personally because of certain reasons but I'm going to do it over here.

I'm pretty sure he won't read my blog anymore (duh!) but I just want to wish him A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY and hopefully he is in a wonderful situation/condition with his loved ones. May god bless him always. (If you still do read my blog, thank you very much)

Back to my frustration about what I am becoming right now.

1. I'm freaking lonely (yes,even people in Mars knows that)
2. *deleted*
3. I should not have said those bad words I said earlier on. See what I've become?
4. I keep on writing craps about my crappy life that making me even crappier person.

People are not paying attention to me anymore. Nobody does! (except for my parents but they are just soooo different! and they don't really pay THAT much attention anyways) . People are so abandoning me. Gosh! How should I manage myself? I'm drowning in my own messed up world. I need a lifeguard. I need a hero. I've lost my power so I need another hero to save me. I am falling, drowning (wait, I can't be in both situation at the same time but what the heck!)

Save me! Save me!
I'm dying.

You Made Me Realize

I just read something on one of my sites on the net. What I have read made me realize I am actually nothing. I am not as something as I thought I would be to somebody else. Though all this while I have felt that way, but only now I truly understand my situation. Where I stand.

I'm officially gonna let everything go. I'm meaningless to everyone else. I guess I shouldn't even bother to be so all sensitive about others ever again. I know by doing this, it's gonna hurt me even more because I can't just change my nature of taking care and loving others but I guess this is what I should do.

I don't know what else I can do to find my own happiness. I'm not going to rely on anyone else. Well, that's what I have been doing all this time. God knows how bad I want somebody to be in my life and share everything with , together, but I believe that's not going to happen.

Semua orang yang aku sayang eventually will leave me and I'm talking about people yang tak ade blood connection with me. It's either because of my doings or just their plain mistakes. I just have to accept it as what it is.

My life is empty. My life boring. My life is stressful. My life is meaningless. And I'm lonely.

Could it be any worse?

You have made me realize, my friend. I thank you for that.


p/s : the picture? read between the lines.

Ketulusan Hati

I'm currently having some ideas to write a story. Dapat idea tentang cerita ni when I was listening to Anuar Zain's new song, Ketulusan Hati from his latest album. The song is good.

The story is going to be about love. It's somehow gonna be a sad/tragic love story. Sounds typical huh? I don't know but I kinda like the storyline (duh! it's MY story). It's about 4 people. The description of the story is gonna be like this, " 4 hati, 3 cinta. 2 jiwa yang setia, 1 kisah yang lara".But I don't know how to end the story. I don't want it to be so cliche. Boring nanti.

Putting aside my latest crap at the moment. Well, I'm starting to have doubts about what I am doing for life now. It is not easy. They said of course it ain't easy. Every job is tough in its own way. There is no exception for mine. I don't know what to think. I'm not strong enough to do this. I thought I could but I guess I was wrong.

I don't have a strong character. I've always been the person who will want to somehow, please everyone? No. That's not the right way of describing my characteristic. I just do not want to hurt anyone. But I've always ended up hurting myself and sometimes the others without my intention. To do this kind of job needs a lot of hard work. I mean seriously a lot. I'm not talking about the research things. I'm not talking about the staying until late at nite to get information. I am talking about pushing myself to be someone that I am not comfortable with.

I cried again yesterday. The day before yesterday too.

Ntahlah. I'm just weak. Very weak at the moment. Rasa macam I'm lost. Lost in my own messed up, confusing and lonely world.

Hmm.

Ketulusan Hati

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa

Cintaku hanya indah
Hanya bahagia
Untuk selamanya

Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau dengarkan kasihku

Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis
Hanya tulusnya hati
Mencintaimu tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku
Hanya untuk dirimu
Selalu

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa

Tak ada seribu janji
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya

Ramadhan Datang Lagi

Ramadhan datang lagi. This time around, I don't know how to actually cope with it. This is going to be my first time ever, fasting while working. My working hours have been changed. I'm gonna start working at 10 am and will be finishing at 6 pm from Sunday to Thursday. I just can't imagine how the crowd is gonna be. Goodness.

Hmm.It has been a year. I don't know how to actually explain my feelings. Thinking about what happened last year, makes me really sad. Lots of memories. Too many. Too much.

They are still fresh on my mind.Sigh.How can I get rid of all the memories?
I never thought things would be this way. I never thought things would ended this way. Only god knows how bad I want it to change.

If I could have controlled myself better, I guess things would be different. But, maybe it is meant to be this way.

"Ku mengharap kan Ramadhan kali ini penuh makna,
Agar dapat ku lalui dengan sempurna,
Selangkah demi selangkah,
Setahun sudah pun berlalu,
Masa yang pantas berlalu,
Hingga tak terasa ku berada,
Di bulan Ramadhan semula"

I hope I could pull through. With or without anyone. This is the path I have chosen. This is what I have to face. No matter how weak I am, I have to deal with it. :(

I miss you my friend. I hope you are okay over there. Happy Ramadhan to you. May god bless you always.

To all my readers, Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan Al Mubarak. Selamat berpuasa. Semoga segala amalan di bulan ini diterima olehNYA.

End

Aku

Hati ini masih diselimuti sepi
Makin hari makin ku merasai
Tak daya untukku menanggung sedih
Walau ku cuba melupakan
Namun hati tak bisa merelakan

Entah mengapa semua kembali
Setelah diriku sedih berlalu
Seakan memori mencengkam jiwa
Mengizin diri terus berduka

Aku sunyi dan aku sendiri
Tiada tempat untuk ku tangisi
Mengapa diriku begini
Tiada sinar ku jumpa biarpun kucuba
Aku merindui dia
Sangat aku rindukan dia
Hancur hatiku mengenang peristiwa
Saat aku terpaksa merela
Bila jiwaku tak mampu menahan
Segala perbuatan yang dilakukan

Dia dan kamu ada di hatiku
Ku cuba melepaskan semua
Puas ku lakukan
Namun ku tetap gagal
Aku tak tahu berapa lama
Aku tak tahu sampai bila
Aku dapat menahan semua ini

Ku kuatkan diri
Ku tabahkan hati
Mereka berkata lupakan saja
Mereka berkata jangan difikirkan lagi
Tapi bukankah mereka tahu?
Soal ini soal hati?
Mudahkah untuk mereka jika mereka merasakan apa yang aku rasai?

Ku lewati jalan jalan dulu
Yang aku tinggalkan kian hilang
Ku lewati hari hari yang lalu
Tak mampu untuk ku menghalang
Airmata ini jatuh ke pipi
Di mana harus ku cari ketenangan?
Di mana harus ku simpankan kenangan?

Kini semua telah berubah
Sekelip mata aku hilang segala
Inikah hidupku yang harus kutempuh
Ku tak tahu bagaimana
Ku bayangkan kesusahan mereka yang lebih derita dariku
Namun tak bisa untuk memujuk
Hatiku yang kecewa kerana ini lah deritaku

Ku simpulkan senyum
ku hilaikan tawa
Biar mereka rasa aku gembira
Biar mereka rasa aku bahagia
Tapi aku saja yang tahu
Mana gembira yang aku mahu
Mana bahagia yang aku ada

Aku memberi sayangku
Pada diri yang bukan untukku
Aku cuba membenci
Tapi kian ku mengingati
Hanya tuhan yang tahu
Betapa hati ini sangat mendambakan
Segala yang indah menjadi kenyataan
Hanya tuhan saja yang tahu
Betapa aku sayangkan dia
dan aku juga sayangi kamu

Kembalikan senyumku yang benar diriku
Kembalilah bahagiaku yang benar milikku
Aku perlu kamu..

Lelaki Ini

Kasih
Kenanganku
Ingatkah saat-saat dulu

Kasih
Apakah dirimu
Merasakan semua itu

Ke mana pun langkahku pergi
Ku masih melihat bayanganmu cintaku
Dan kemana pun arah anginku berlari
Hati ini masih kau miliki

Lelaki ini yang selalu mencintamu
Selalu, tanpa ragu
Lelaki ini yang selalu memuja
Hanya dirimu
Yang bertakhta dalam sanubariku
Sanubari ku

Aku yang mencintakan mu
Hanya dirimu…

Karena cintaku, tak berbatas waktu
Karena cintaku, tak mengenal jenuh hatimu
Hatimu…

Anuar Zain
2007

Cry

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,

Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

Save Me

10.15 am
I woke up. A lil bit later than usual. Took my bath, ironed my shirt and got ready.

10.30 am
Ate my breakfast. Sausages and eggs. It was okay. Thanx mom..

10.50 am
Off to the office.

11.00 am
Got in the train. Something was not right with my Ipod so didn't get to listen to it. Damn!

11.20 am
Arrived at the office. Printed out my research. Started pitching and bitching.

5.00 pm
Went for lunch. Pack some food and ate in the office. Nasi ayam and some kueh.

6.00 pm
Started pitching and bitching again.

8.30 pm
Walked out from the office and went straight home. Home sweet home.


Hmm. Thats roughly my daily routine. Boring isn't it? Kinda. Pretty much the same except for Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Because Thursday is like my Friday and you know the rest.

I don't know how long I can enjoy all these. But I am still enjoying it. Can't wait for my first pay. It's not gonna be much though because I didn't get to bring any deals so far. But it's better than nothing. Enough for me to survive for another month.

My life is empty. That the only thing I could say at this time. I might look extremely happy but the truth is, I'm not. This job is not my passion. But it is the experience that I need. To actually built up more my confidence level by to feel comfortable talking with total strangers. I'm starting to fit in. Starting to have better pitches. Starting to take control of the calls that I made.

The work is pretty okay actually. The environment is quite pleasant. But of course, the tension is always there. I'm getting used to it.

But like I said, I don't know how long I can't stand doing things that I do right now. I don't have anybody to give me strength (put aside my parents please, there are different). Sometimes, I took time off from my work, went outside of the office, to an open staircase, and enjoy the view of the city at night. Sometimes I cried. Just because, I am not happy with my life.Pathetic.

Thinking about everything that I have been through made me even sadder. How? What should I do? I'm comforting myself right now. That's the only thing that I could do. But for how long? Entahlah.

People say it is easy to live alone. No, it's not, when you are thirsty for love. Dying to be loved. And to be cared. Sounds desperate? Maybe. But no.

My friend is in trouble right now. He is sad and having a very rough time in his life. I only want the best for him. Will do anything to make him feel better. Hopefully, he will.

You can count on me.

Have to sleep now. Another day is waiting for me.Goodnite.


p/s : Somebody save me...

I miss you.Love..

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind,
It'll fool ya every time

Yes.Love is beautiful.It's addictive but comes unexpectedly.Everyone wants to be in love.Everyone wants to feel love.To love and being loved.The joy of love is unexplainable.Only those who knows love,can appreciate love.

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

And yes.Love hurts.Love makes you blind.You can be a huge mess because of it.You will say that life is unfair,because of it.Because you are hurt by it it.By being in love.That's when you'll say, you never be in love again.You'll never want to trust love again.

You can stop yourself from finding love.But you can't stop love from finding you.You can lie to the world that you don't feel love.But you can never lie to yourself.

Now I was once a fool, it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

When you are hurt remember that it's not the end of the world. Cry as much as you want. Cry you heart out to let everything go.Don't cry for the one that hurt you, but cry just for yourself.Life goes on. Be strong and move on.It's gonna be hard.Seriously hard but, yes, you can and you will but be wise.

There will be love for you.When you feel like you're in the dark, trust me, there is light at the end of the road.But it's up to you, how long your "road of darkness" is gonna be. You may not know, there might be another love that you just don't see.Open your eyes.


I need you.
I miss you.
I want you.
I long for you.

Love...

Sorrows

"Mana silapnya arah yang aku jejaki
Yang ku temu hanya pintu sepi
Dalam keriuhan ku rasakan kekosongan
Jiwaku dahaga kasih sayang

Masih tak bertemu yang kucari dulu
Hati masih berlagu
Dalam langkah perjalanan terkeliru
Hilangnya arah tuju"

That is exactly how I am feeling at the moment. There are so many things on my mind now. So many memories that I just can't forget. Good and bad. I don't know how I am going to overcome this feeling. Seems to me that I have not moved on they way I want it to be. I'm weak. Just weak.

But I just miss those people yang pernah ada dalam hidup aku sebelum ni. Really. So many mistakes I have done but I know I can't turn back the time. I'm missing them. Badly.

Wish I could...
Wish I would..
I miss you.. :(

Perlu Kamu

Saat ini
Ku cerita
Isi hati segala rahsia
Aku rindu
Aku perlu
Hati kamu terukir namaku

Aku tahu
Aku rindu
Aku perlu mengenali kamu
Biar masa bercerita
Kau takkan hilang aku sayang

Ku sadari saat manis ni kan pergi
Biar aku ngerti
Kerna aku mahu kamu
Ku ulangi kau yakini hati ini
Kerna aku cinta kamu
Hari hari aku
Kan menjadi hari kamu
Kerna syarat hidup
Disayangi…

Biar nyata
Aku setia
Janji cinta tentunya berbeda
Maafkan lah salah kita
Biar benci
Ku tetap di sisi

Aku perlu
Aku rindu

Roller Coaster

Life is a like roller coaster ride. Full with ups and downs. The difference is, you can choose to not ride the roller coaster like the ones in any amusement/theme park, but the life's roller coaster, you're bound to ride it no matter what happens.

You can never expect what will happen next. All you know, in just a second, many things can and will happen.Without you anticipating anything. Life is not a bed full of roses. I bet everyone with good sense of mind knows it.

I'm still searching. Searching for something that can truly makes me happy. Sometimes I am jealous of other people. They seems to have a better life than mine. I'm not being ungrateful with what I already have. I'm just being unsatisfied with my situation. Unsatisfied with myself. With people around me.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but everything just seem so wrong all this while. "Friends come and go", someone said to me. I know it's true but can't they actually stay, for real, for once? I have been searching and searching but still, I haven't found any.

Life is just hard now. I really need someone to support me. I'm not afraid to admit that I do and really want to be pampered. To be loved. To be cared. By someone. Sounds so desperate eh? But I don't think I am THAT desperate. I'm just expressing what I really feel. I'm just telling what I really want.

I was wrong. Really wrong. I was blinded by own feelings before this. I wished for something, impossible. I threw away a pearl while trying my very best to own a little black stone. Now the stone is gone, and I have also lost the pearl. Lessons learned.

Sigh..

Manners And Expectations

It's all about manners. You need to know how to have manners in life. But it will all be depending on how well you know someone. Expectations. What about it? Sometimes, when we got to know someone, and we think that we can get along very well with that person, we tend to expect something good to come out of him. A good relationship. A good friendship.

Everyone has their own ways of thinking, reacting and receiving. God created us with different kinds of attitude. Some can be very sensitive, some can just be seriously insensitive. There are some who will try to satisfy everyone by just accepting all the goods and the bads and there are some who will never feel satisfied with everything.

Relationship. What is relationship anyway? What does it mean? Well, to me, it means a bond created between 2 person or more. In any kind of relationship, the most important thing is to understand. Each and every single one of us, like I said earlier, has different kinds of attitude. We need to learn how to understand the other person in order for us to have a good relationship.

If you want that person in your life, because you think that the person is worth being your friend, then you'll have to learn to understand him or her. Then you'll need to adapt yourself. You might have your own ways of thinking, but sometimes, it is better for you to just accept and adapt.

Toleration is the word. Never think you are great enough. You can never be right every single time. If you are wrong, or you think you have done something wrong, please admit it. Admitting your faults doesn't mean you'll be poorer, instead you'd be richer. It means, you're able to accept your flaws and learn from your mistakes. Isn't that good?

I have always been the one who will try to adapt and understand.
I have always been the one who will try to satisfy everybody.

But I have realised that it is a mistake. While trying my best to satisfy others needs,I'll be hurting myself. In the end, I'll be on the losing side. Others will just don't care. It comes down to the word expectations. Maybe I have expected too much. Maybe it was wrong for me to expect for anything good. A good friendship. Well, I won't expect anything, anymore. I'll let it be. If they think I'm worth something, they will come to me. I'm tired of trying to be a good friend for someone else. Maybe I'm not good enough after all.

In life, you need to know how to live alone, because you can never be with everyone or anyone, forever. That's what I'm learning although I'm dying.

I'm tired of being nice to others. That's all.

Blue

It has been a week since I officially started working.It has been quite tough for me to fit in and get comfortable with the job requirement. But one thing for sure, the working environment is nice.Very nice indeed.

I have made some few new friends.I can get along with them.They are nice people. A bunch of happening people.It's good for me.Exactly what I need at the moment.

As for now, I'm not gonna say that I'm entirely okay with my situation and my. I'm still not feeling satisfied with what I have. I'm not happy although I am glad that I have finally found a job, something that I could focus on.

But this is totally another thing. It's my personal life. Well, I don't know how to say it. It is just that, sometimes I do feel lonely. In a sense that, I don't have anyone that I could actually share my day with. I'm not looking for a serious relationship. What I mean is, I need someone close. Someone that I can share everything with. Someone that I can talk to, someone that loves me.

Am I asking for something impossible?

Is it too much for me to ask?

Feeling blue...hmm.

marcusevans

Yesterday, I have been officially hired after 3 4 days of sales training. I am happy. Very happy indeed. After months of doing nothing other than bankrupt-ing myself, now I have something better to do. Something real and something promising. I have no experience in selling, or anything like that. But obviously I am gonna take this golden opportunity to learn, and gain experience.

I wanna improve myself. I know I can do it. So, my working days would be from Sunday till Thursday every single week. And my working hour would be from 11.30 am till 8.30 pm. Whys is that so? That is because I am in the Middle East division, so we will have to follow their working hours. The middle east countries I mean. For those who don't know what MarcusEvans is, you guys might be wondering what will I be doing. For more information regarding MarcusEvans, you guys can go here:

Anyway, my post is Junior Sales Executive. I will be promoting and selling events provided and organized by MarcusEvans to all the big and rich companies in the middle east. Well, I have to pitch to the higher level managers, like the CEOs, CIOs, COOs, etc etc, you get the picture right. Bottom line, I will have to sell the events to the decision makers. So I can't be sounding like a normal sales person, instead I have to mirror them, I mean the higher level maagers. I have to speak like them. It's kinda hard though but of course I will have to work hard.

Today is my off day. Tonight there will be a party organized by my office at Maison. Probably I will be going. It depends, I don't know yet. I guess that's all folks. See ya soon!

Tangga Cinta

TANGGA TANGGA KE PINTU BAHAGIA

Mana silapnya arah yang aku jejaki
Yang ku temu hanya pintu sepi
Dalam keriuhan ku rasakan kekosongan
Jiwaku dahaga kasih sayang

Masih tak bertemu yang kucari dulu
Hati masih berlabuh
Dalam langkah perjalanan terkeliru
Hilangnya arah tuju

Sungguh lama terpisah pandangan
Sejak detik akhir pertemuan
Jauh meninggalkan dirimu dan diriku
Terpisah bersama waktu

Sejauh mana sekalipun aku berlari
Ingatan padamu menghantui
Aku tak mengerti dan tidak ku mampu lagi
Menahan gelora hati ini

Ingin ku kembali ke jalan yang dulu
Aku rindu padamu
Moga dibukakan semua pintu-pintu
Untuk ku bersamamu

Ingin aku mendaki semula
Tangga-tangga ke pintu bahagia
Mencari cahaya cinta yang sebenarnya
Antara aku dan dia

I really love this song. One of my fav songs by Alleycats. THE Alleycats. =)

5 In The Morning

I do not know how to start my entry this time around. But I just want to express that I am feeling a lot better these few days. Why? I give you a list.

1. I have moved on. I don't wanna be sad about the thing again. Life goes on. There is no use for me to think about the problem again. Let bygones be bygones. I just wish him the very best.
2. I have found a job. At MarcusEvans. I passed the interview sessions. I am going to start the 3 days sales training on the 6th of August 2007. I will have to sit for an induction test. Only if I pass the test, I will be given the permanent job. Hopefully I will succeed. I'll do my best.
3. I have found a new friend. He is such a nice person and friend. I hope my relationship with him will be a good one. God willing.

I wish, everything will be better for me. I wanna start a new life. I wanna be a better person. I'm stronger and tougher. Life is not a bed of roses. I have to get through it. I have learned so many things for the past few months. It has been very stormy. But I made it through. I know I can do the same in the future.

"I can make it through the rain,
I can stand up once again
On my own, and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I can make it through the rain"

InsyaAllah.. =)

Demi Waktu

This is hard for me. I realised that I have have made so many mistakes. I have hurt so many hearts. Aku tatau apa lagi yang aku nak buat. I can't turn back the time. I am paying the price. If it's not meant to be for anything, then I guess I just have to leave. I am chasing after rainbows. And nobody else would do that thing. Coz you can never touch the rainbow.

I'm young and I'm a fool. So I am a foolish young man. How great. Here I go again. Talking crap about myself. Aku bukan cerita untuk mintak simpati. Aku bukan cerita nak buat orang kesian kat aku. But this is what I am going through. Aku sakitkan hati orang lain, so I guess I deserved to be hurt also.

Life is a karma. What goes around comes around. What goes up must come down. But the thing is, I have never been on top so I'm wondering, patut ke aku guna ayat tu untuk diri aku. Never mind.It's not important. You get what I mean. Earlier this evening, I receive an email from a dear friend of mine. I was really touched by his email. I wish I could be there with him.

I'm loving someone who can never love me back though I have someone who loves me. I have always cared for someone who doesn't even care about me though someone else is waiting for me. It has always been like that. Why? Never can I have the answer. You might say, "then just go for the one who loves you". True.Tapi memang cakap lebih senang daripada menjadikan sesuatu itu kenyataan. If you dig deep, you'll know why it is not easy. I don't know whether I will be online for this coming few days. Tengoklah camne.

I have always adored this song. But I never thought I will BE the song. Life is so unpredictable. Somebody used to tell me that life takes funny turns at times. And I guess it's true. He was right. He used to like this song too. Mmm. I am losing everyone now. Gosh. I'm tearing apart.

DEMI WAKTU

Aku yang tak pernah bisa lupakan dirinya
Yang kini hadir diantara kita
Namun ku juga takkan bisa menepis bayangmu
Yang slama ini temani hidupku

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya
Dan demi waktu yang bergilir di sampingmu
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu
Seandainya bila ku bisa memilih

Kalau saja waktu itu ku tak jumpa dirinya
Mungkin semua tak kan seperti ini
Dirimu dan dirinya kini ada di hatiku
Membawa aku dalam kehancuran

A Plain One

I just got back from Low Yat Plaza. Quite tired at the moment. My dad asked me to bring his customer's CPU to one of his usual kedai there. Yesterday he told me to go early in the morning. I felt so malas. So I just kept quite while he was telling me everything with hopes that I don't have to go today. But then you know la me kan, I slept late last night. Around 3 something.

I woke up at 12 noon. Then my mom told me the kedai is ready for the CPU thingie. I was like, ahhh, malasnye nak pegi. But then I still HAVE to go. It's an order from his majesty. Haha. But I took my very own sweet time to get ready. Aku gerak dalam kol 3 lebih tadi. Sampai sana terus gi kedai tu and then cakap apa yang patut, the guy asked to walk around first coz it might take sometime for them to fix the CPU.

Dia cakap 30 minit. So I walked around the mall, packed with people. MAsuk kedai magazine, belek2 sekejap then beli CLEO. Yes, CLEO. Tak salah kan? Aku nak beli men's magazine rasa cam bosan je. Coz memang men's magazine sangat bosan yer. Like NEWMAN tu. Ape2 tah. Pastu tgk mag pompuan plak, sama je bosan. PAstu I wonder, atder ke magazine yang bebetul best? A mix of men's and women's magazine. Like seriously good one. Tader? Rase cam nak publish plak.

Imagine a magazine, yang dia punya style adalah gabungan, VOGUE + SEVENTEEN + GQ + CLEO + LIME ? Macam best je aku rasa. Very classy tapi sangat hip and happening. Rasanya best kot. Anyway, cover CLEO for this month adalah Mandy Moore. At first I thought she was Tata "old-hag" Young ( Sorry Tata fans!). Nasib baik bukan dia coz I just hate Tata.

I bought the mag sebab ada certain articles yang agak menarik jugak untuk dibaca. Biaselah boring2 kat rumah. Lepas dah siap, I headed home terus. Malas nak singgah mana2. So here I am. Writing this thing.

Anyway, dia cakap dia nak turun KL today. Because esok dia ada job interview. Good to know that. But I did something unnecessary tadi. Dia cakap kat aku yang dia nak turun. Dia tak sure kawan dia ada kat umah ke tak. Sebab dia tumpang umah kawan dia, iaitu kawan aku gak. So aku msg la kawan aku tanya keje kol bape. Lepas kawan aku jawab, kawan aku tanya nape. Pastu dia call aku. Dan aku pun tercakap kat dia yang budak tu nak turun.

Patutnya aku takyah cakap. Budak tu pun cakap dia lupa nak kasitau aku jangan kasitau kawan die tu.Nak buat surprise la kot. Adoi. Aku rase bersalah sangat. I should have not asked and said anything. Jadi penyibuk sangat. Tapi aku tanya pun atas niat nak tahu dan nak tolong. Tapi tersasar sket.

Ni aku pun tatau dia jadi turun ke tak. Dia tak kasitau pe pe pun. Mm. Tapelah. Harap dia okay jek. Walaupun terasa macam nak sangat jumpa dia, tapi tapelah. Tak naklah jadi penyibuk sangat. Kalau dapat jumpa, dapatla. Kalau tak, nak wat cane kan. Dah la. dah penat plak rase. Nak rest je jap gi. That's all folks. Chow

Another Saturday

Bangun pagi ni memang aku rasa bosan macam biasa je la. Phone skang ni sealu je off. So bangun2 first thing yang kena buat adalah check phone. Check for any messages. None. Huhu. Never mind. Pastu terus layan tenet jap. Tengok2 apa yang patut. Baca gossip sana sini. Pastu kuar gi depan tengok my parents tengah breakfast. Kol 11 tu breakfast. Join la skali. Ada sosej segala. Makan ngan telur goreng and baked beans along with fresh orange juice. Besh2! Pastu sakat adik aku jap. Cam biasa. Bosan tader keje, sakat la budak kecik tu. Arini tader plan pe pe pun sebenarnya melainkan daripada jemputan makan-makan kat rumah Audrey, choir conductor untuk VI tahun nih.

So nanti dalam kol 5.30 baru aku kuar g LRT Cheras sebab Audrey cakap akan amik aku kat situ. Yela, aku weekend2 nih mana de transport. Skang ni aku tengah tatau nak buat pe. Tadi tengok Ugly Betty. Layan la mende tu jap. Memang best. Aku ade je koleksi for the first season. gigih tau download kat torrent masa tengah tayang kat US masa tu. Anyway, aku dah rasa lapar balik ni tapi tatau nak makan pe. Of course la mak aku tak masak, coz dorang dah kuar gi mane tah aku pun tatau. Huhu. So now aku kena pikir, nak makan ke tak. Kalau nak makan aku kena masak. Masak tu yang lemah sket. Bukan aku tatau masak, tapi nak masak untuk sorang, malasnye. Now aku nak gi tengok cenel apa yang aku leh layan kat Astro tu. I'm damn bored. Chow!

Revamped, Renewed, Restarted

Semalam aku pergi tengok Harry Potter ngan Bro Ajami kat Times Square. Well, he invited me to watch a movie 2 hari lepas. memula, dia ingat nak ajak tengok Die Hard 4.0. I was okay at first but then teringat yang HP kuar this week, so why not tengok HP. Huhu. Lagipun I think HP is slightly better than DH4.0 kot? Huhu. So dia yang book and purchased the tickets online. Memula dia kata dia dapat kat Sunway Pyramid. I was like, whoa? Jauhnya. Camne aku nak pergi ek? Then he said dia dapat beli kat Times Square punya. Thank god. Hehe. At first I wanted to watch HP with my other friends, tapi tak nak plak la kacau dorang. Lagipun ada orang lain dah ajak aku tengok, so accept je la kan. The movie punya show was at 1.45 pm. Aku sepatutnya sampai pukul 1.00 pm sebab nak lunch segala. Aku yang cakap nak lunch. Tapi, biasalah, memandangkan aku kalau bersiap memang amik masa, terlewat la sikit smalam.

Aku sampai 20 minit lewat. Boleh? Kabut la gak sebab aku tak suke buat orang tunggu aku. Aku tunggu orang takpe. Berjam-jam aku penah tunggu orang before this. Tapelah. Janji orang tak tunggu aku. Tapi semalam tak leh elak plak. Sampai2 je aku call Bro Ajami. Kat Borders katanya. So aku masuklah Borders Level 1. Cari punya cari aku tak nampak plak batang hidung dia. Pelik. Pastu I received a call from him cakap dia kat pintu masuk. dia nampak aku dok menonong je masuk. Haha. Serious aku tak nampak dia. Rupa-rupanya dia dok kat entrace belakang tengah baca magazine CinemaOnline. Ahaks. So dah jumpe, salam segala, boraklah jap sementara tunggu movie tu nak start. Pastu gerak beli popcorn. I'm not a big fan of popcorns tapi aku makan je. Tapi memang jarang la aku beli popcorn bile nak tengok movie. Ntah, macam malas je nak mengunyah sambil tgk movie tu. Nak concentrate je. So pas masuk hall, kitaorang cari la our seats. Not bad la seat yang dia pilih. Very the center gituh. Ahaks. So sementara nak start movie tuh, borak lagik. lama gak borak. Cam 15 minit. Meletop kan iklan kat GSC? Aku rasa dah lama gile dok beborak, tak start2 gak movie nye. Seb baik borak best. Citer tu was great. I mean to me la. I don't know about others. Sebab aku baca early reviews dari orang lain, kata bosan la, tak best la, tu la, ni la.

Memula cam tawar hati gak nak gi tengok. But then biasala, lain orang lain opinion kan. As for me, aku memang tak baper nak ingat jalan citer dari buku. Sebab aku baca buku tu pun like last year. So dah ingat2 lupa. I guess it was a good thing. memang aku dah belajar dari francais HP nih. Jangan expect too much. Memang takkan puas la kalau kita nak movie ni jadi cam buku. Harusla kan. Buku tebal nak mampos, takkan nak buat movie tu 4-5 jam kot supaya leh masuk segala details. Huhu. cara penceritaan memang agak cepat la. Tapi aku tak kisah. Janji aku enjoy citer tuh. Imelda Staunton and Helena Bonham Carter stole the show man! Walaupun watak Bellatrix Lestrange tu kejap jer, tapi memang she berjaya hidupkan the character. Imelda as Umbridgre was super-fabulous. Aku benci watak tuh. Hahaha. Memang kejam da sangat "Ahkak Pink". Everything was pink. Dari baju ke bilik dia. Pink segala! Imelda is a great actress. Last skali aku tengok movie dia was "Nanny McPhee". Walaupun watak dia sampingan jer, but she was good.

So, how do I rate HP this time around? Between Goblet Of Fire or Order Of The Phoenix, aku tak tau nak pilih yang mana actually. Perhaps aku kena tengok balik GOF baru aku leh nak compare kot. But OOTP was fantastic. Maybe awal2 agak bosan sket, but towards the end aku dah leh feel dah. Special effects die memang best. Aku suke part battle at the end tu. Between Dumbledore and Lord Voldertmort (Bro tak tau sangat pasal Voldermort itu, jadi dia sebut orang ini..wakakaka. Don't shoot me! Not guilty!) Haha. The three main characters are all grown up. Fifth year la katakan. Harry was hot. Hermoine was double-hot. Like the hair. Ron? Errr...no comment. But or me, the hottest of them all is Luna Lovegood. I was so attracted to her character and the one who played the character. She was so, mysteriously attractive. Ala-ala pompuan saiko sket tapi saiko yang good one la. Her facial expressions were priceless. The way she potrayed her character, tatau la nak explain camner, but was very very good. Everytime kalau dia on screen, aku akan tengok kat dia walaupun Daniel I-am-gonna-smack-the-perfect-flawless-face Radcliffe was next to her.

Luna Lovegood

Daniel was smoking hot, but Evanna Lynch aka Luna Lovegood was hotter. Woo. The platinum blonde hair. Gosh. Huhu. The rest of the characters, were all okay. Aku suke Ministry Of Magic. Memang cantik. Cam shopping mall plak aku tengok. Aku patut nak rate the movie, lupa plak. So aku rate, mmm, 4 out 5 stars. Transformers yang aku tengok last 2 weeks, aku kasi 4 1/2. Tapi aku malas nak review Transformers. So tu jela kot aku leh review pasal HP. Aku ni bukan terer nak cakap pasal filmmaking. So aku takkan nak merepek meraban cakap pasal plot ke, ape ke. so lepas tengok movie tu, Bro nak lepak minum and makan. Lapar katanya. So lepak kat Starbucks. Dia pun nak online kat situ sambil bergossip sakan. So dah beli makan minum segala, lepak la kan. Kuarla segala gossip2 PnC. Meletop! Nama pun PnC kan so takleh la aku nak citer kat sini. Lepak lebih kurang 2 jam pastu, balik.

Tu jela activity aku semalam. Sampai umah biaselah, merehatkan diri, layan tenet, tengok sape online. Aku pun dah naik bosan dah asik layan tenet jer. Tapi tapelah. As long as aku ade activity nak buat, I can help myself to not think about bende2 yang tak patut. Smalam dia ade mesej gak. Okayla aku rasa. Aku pun dah macam tak larat la nak think about it too much. Dia pun busy kan. Kalau dia reply pendek2 tu maknenya, malas nak sms la. So aku pun malas nak continue. Nanti nampak cam aku paksa2 plak. Huhu. Tapelah, nak buat camne. I have just to accept whatever it is yang dia bleh bagi at the moment. I will try not to expect more than that. Sebab aku tau it will not benefit me. Lagi buat aku stress adalah. PAsal dia nih, aku pun tatau nak buat conclusion apa. Aku still tak puas hati lagi. Selagi aku tak puas hati aku takkan putus asa.

Aku bukan tak puas hati sebab we are not together, adalah mende lain yang aku tak puas. Selagi aku tak dapat tau apa yang aku nak tau, I will never give up. Coz I believe, kalau aku dapat apa yang aku nak, I will understand everything better and aku leh bantu diri aku sendiri. Aku jarang sayang2 orang neh, so bile aku sayang, aku sayang btol2. Tapi aku tak nak buat orang tu rasa tak selesa. So aku akan cuba sayang secara yang terbaik. Tapi, selalunya, bile aku sayang orang, orang tu tatau camne nak hargai aku balik. Aku bukan nak orang tu junjung aku ke ape, but I just want that person to appreciate me. That's all. Mmm, hopefully dia okay kat sana, Aku memang rindu dia. Tapi situasi buat aku terpaksa menahan everything. What can I do..mmm. Tu jela yang aku leh tulis ari ni. Anyway perasan tak aku nye posting agak lain? Well, this is how I'm going to write after this. That's why la title post aku kali ini camtu. So, that's all folks. Gudday!

p/s : Arini tak sms dia lagi. Mmm...

Goodbye My Friend

I just came back from KL Sentral. I went there to meet my friend for the last time before he goes back to Australia, to continue his studies there. I was supposed to meet him yesterday but then I was not really okay, so I rescheduled the meeting to today. I reached there at around 5.40 pm. I walked to the departure area, because he was there waiting for me. We decided to have drinks and some snacks at Strudels®. We had iced teas, brownies with vanilla ice cream and turkey sandwich. It was nice. We talked and walked around the place for a while after eating. After almost a couple of hours hanging around, he had to leave. I sent him to KLIA Express entrance. We hugged each other. At that particular of time, I realized that I'm actually going to miss him. My very good friend. Although honestly, we don't really have so much things in common, but I do appreciate and love him as my friend. We have been friends for almost 5 years. He has been very nice to me. His family too. I'll pray only the best for him. Hopefully he'll do better this time. Good luck to you my dearest friend. Thanks for everything. Goodbye :(

Me? I'm going to be here. Finding myself. Hoping something good will happen to me. On my way back home just now, I was kinda sad. Thinking about all the things that has happened for the past few month and especially, for the past few weeks. I cried, yet again, while driving. I don't know how many times I have cried for the past few months. Maybe I have became more sensitive than before. I don't know. Sigh. I'm pathetic right? Well, that's me.

GOODBYE MY FRIEND

Oh we never know where life will take us
I know it's just a ride on the wheel
And we never know when death will shake us
And we wonder how it will feel

So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
It's okay now
Goodbye my friend

I've seen a lot things that make me crazy
And I guess I held on to you
We could've run away and left well maybe
But it wasn't time and we both knew

So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the love you gave me through all the years
Will take away these tears
I'm okay now
Goodbye my friend

Life's so fragile and love's so pure
We can't hold on but we try
We watch how quickly it disappears
And we never know why

But I'm okay now
Goodbye my friend
You can go now
Goodbye my friend

p/s : I haven't heard from the person for almost 2 days. No reply. Nothing. Gosh. I miss you :(.

Tika

Tika aku sendirian
Tika rindu menyapaku
Tika gelisah menyisir diriku

Kau nafasku yang ku hela..Cinta
Kau jiwa dan inspirasiku..Kasih
Demi tuhan engkau kucintai

Aku rindu sentuhanmu
Aku perlu bicaramu
Aku dahagakan belaian kasihmu
Andai engkau tahu isi hati
Peritnya cinta yang suci
Oh kasihku
Aku cinta kamu...

Lafaz kamamu terindah..Kata
Kau ilham segala asmara..Dewa
Hati luka yang kurelai

Aku rindu sentuhanmu
Aku perlu bicaramu
Aku dahagakan belaian kasihmu
Andai engkau tahu isi hati
Peritnya cinta yang suci
Oh kasihku
Aku cinta kamu...

That is basically how I feel at the moment. I am not lying. How I wish I don't have to go this whole thing.How I wish I could express my feelings without any hesitations. How I wish I could just show my love?
Only if the person knows how strong my love and how deep it is. The more I try to not think about it, the stronger it will be.

I miss you.

Dear Diary

Dear diary,

I woke up this morning feeling all, blue. I checked my phone for any messages but there were none. Disappointed. But I quickly pushed away the feelings so that I won't be in a bad mood for the entire day. I didn'r receive any messages from H yesterday. I did speak to him the night before. It was the same thing actually. He eventually sent me a message somewhere after midnight asking me whether I was sleeping or not. So I replied him and did ask him how was his day? He said he had a bad day. he told me his problems. I was quite worried. So, i was just trying to be good friend who listens, so after asking someone for advice, I decided to call him. It was very good to hear him. We spoke for about 12 minutes. I felt so relieved that I got to speak to him. After the conversation, I just sent him a message saying that I was glad to hear from him and hopefully everything will turn out better for him for the next day. But I didn't hear anything from him yesterday. I did send him an "afternoon" message and I sent another message asking how was everything, 10 hours later. Still, no reply. I didn't message again. I'm taking it positively. Maybe he was busy or didn't want to talk about it. I chatted with my friend. My friend asked me whether did I message H or not? I said I did. I asked him back, did H message him? He answered yes. Just a while ago. A goodnite message and few other messages, I think. Mmm. I didn't know what to feel. Probably I shouldn't feel anything bad, right? But it's easy to just say. So, I chose to just call it a day. I sent him one final message. A simple goodnight message without hoping for him to reply. Hopefully he is doing okay. Maybe it's a good thing after all.

As for today, I'm not going to send him anymore messages. Hopefully I can avoid myself from sending any message to him. I wanna enjoy my activity today. A small get together with my friends. Few of them are a leaving again soon. So I should take the chance to spend time with them.

Dear god, I know it's wrong for me to have this feeling.
Forgive me. But I miss him..

Seribu Tahun

Rela ku menunggumu
Seribu tahun lama lagi
Tapi benarkah hidup
Aku kan selama ini
Biar berputar utara selatan
Ku tak putus harapan
sedia setia

Rela ku mengejarmu
Seribu batu jauh lagi
Tapi benarkah kaki
Ku kan tahan sepanjang jalan ini
Biar membisu burung bersiulan
Tenanglah gelombang lautan
Ku masih setia

Adakah engkau yakin ini cinta
Adakah engkau pasti ini tuk selama-lamanya

Rela ku menunggumu
Seribu tahun lama lagi
Tapi bernarkah hidup
Aku kan selama ini
Biar berputar utara selatan
Ku tak putus harapan
sedia setia

Jangan putus harapan
Sedia setia...

Imran Ajmain
Dengan Secara Kebetulan

To Be Or Not To Be

Here I go again, writing sad stuff about my life. My life has always been like this. Maybe not always, that is just an exaggeration.But I am lying if I say that I am okay. I'm am going through a very complicated phase of my life.

I don't know how sad I am at the moment. Very sad I would say. My life, I guess is going to be slightly different after this. I have made up my mind. I have to look for a job. I need to occupy myself with things so that I won't be able to think about unnecessary stuffs that would make my emotions go unstable. Few of my friends are leaving. They are going to continue their studies. New semester, new things. One of them are going to finish of his study, all the best for him. Hopefully he'll do good during is presentation. Others? They are going to be busy with their work. I can't stop 'em. It's their life and I hope for the best.

I'm just gonna be here. As usual.

Friends come and go. Some will just disappear and some will leave a mark in your heart that can never be erased by anyone or anything. I would prefer them to just disappear so that I don't have to think about them again. And so that i don't have to miss them. But that is not how things work. You can't just simply choose. It will just happen without you realising it. How terrible.

It is happening to me now. I'm sad. Sad as hell. The thought of I am going to miss my friends is unbearable.

I have to let go.That is the best thing for me. Hopefully I can.

"I hope I can let you go..
I hope I can throw my feelings away..
I hope that I don't have to think of you
I hope that I don't have to miss you
Ever again.

But I know I can never do that in just a day
Maybe a week? A month? A year?
I will never know
Nobody knows
Wish you'd understand
How deep it is
How true it is
The things I have for you
The things I would give to you

Letting go
Is what I need to do
Though I'm dying to hear you
Though I'm dying to see you
I know that i can never
Never do what I want to
Hope you'll stay the same
Because that what makes you, you..
I Love You."

By Adi Luqman

Took My Heart Away

I don't know where I am. I don't know what I feel. I'm lost in my own world. So many things has been going on. My heart is broken. My soul is ill. But it's recovering. These past few days has been somewhat heaven and hell for me. Aku hilang sesuatu yang pernah aku sayang. Rasanya amat memedihkan. Tapi takdir penentu segala. I just have to accept how it is. But I gain something else. Something I have never expected before. I'm not sure. I'm not sure how can I handle all this. I'm not strong to face it. Aku tak pasti apa yang aku rasakan .Makin aku cuba untuk melupakan, makin ia datang mengganggu. Tidak pernah aku luahkan apa yang aku rasa.Tidak pernah aku nyatakan hasrat hatiku. Tapi aku lakukan juga. Though I have already expected the words I have just heard , I'm glad to know that I actually did it. Deep down inside, it hurts me. I have never felt so sure about something like this, till I have the courage to say it. Wish I could I have you, coz I really want you, but I know I can't. I'm starting to miss you.

God knows how I feel.

It's All Over

" I bet you are happy to see me and **** like this. Allah as my witness, I will never forgive you for what you've done. Not in this lifetime. This hatred I have for you is death bound "

I got this message from someone. It's all over. Thank you for everything. Goodbye my friend.

Buat Sekian Kali

Kusemai benih persabahatan
Kupupuk dengan kasih dan sayang
Kusiram dengan harapan
Namun ia layu, mati
Tanpa ku sangka
Tanpa ku duga

Tegar kau menghina
Tegar kau mencerca
Aku mengakui
Pernah aku berharap
Kau dan dia tidak kan lama
Tapi tidak ku simpan perasaan itu
Ku doa kau terus bahagia
Di samping dia yang kau cinta

Ku buang perasaan di hati
Demi melihat kau gembira
Ku letak diriku di tepi
Agar kita tak sengketa
Ku korbankan segala
Agar dirimu terus selesa

Kini ku harap
Agar kau kan terus bahagia
Jauh di sudut hatiku
Ku ingin kau sedar
Ku ingin kau berubah
Biarpun keyakinan ku kian punah
Namun ku percaya
Kan ada cahaya menjelma
Menerangi hatimu yang kian gelita

Ku lepaskan sayang
Ku harapkannya hilang
Sampai disini takdir menentukan
Ku mohon maaf atas segala perbuatan
Ku halal juga segala pemberian
Takkan ku mahu kau derita
Takkan ku mahu kau melara
Cuma secebis harapan ku pinta
Agar diriku tak kau lupa

Cukup disini kutinggalkan kasih
Cukup disini kuhapuskan sedih
Ku mohon agar ku terus mampu
Mengharungi hidup yang kian berliku
Selamat tinggal kawan
Selamat tinggal teman
Tiada lagi ku berairmata
Kerna semuanya tidak bermakna
Ku undur diri
Dan akan ku pergi
Dari hidupmu
Buat sekian kali..

The Greatest Pain

Found this online.

"The greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored.To lose the person you love so much to another who doesn't care at all ..The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be forgotten. The great pain is when it seems like the only person who cares about you, is you.Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishing" - Anonymous

How true?

Untitled

Ku mengerti akhirnya di sini
Kau terus berdiam diri
Namun aku fahami
Tak guna ku ingati
Tak guna ku kesali
Semua sudah terjadi
Dan ia kian berlalu pergi

Biarpun banyak terbuku di hati
Aku biarkan, aku menanti
Moga satu masa kan tiba
Untuk ku luahkan segala
Kubiar kau gembira
Kubiar kau bersuka
Tak ku doa
Tak juga ku pinta
Untuk dirimu tanggu derita
Bukan niat tuk menyimpan dendam
Tiada niat mengharap kau tenggelam
Namun hati masih terluka
Mengenang dirimu yang kian menjauh
Dari diriku yang kian merapuh

Tidak kuduga ini kan terjadi
Tidak kusangka kan berubah begini
Dirinya kau kecewa
Diriku kau melupa
Mungkin inilah kehidupan
Yang sering kuperdengarkan
Kan ku titip satu persatu
Menjadi pengajaran buat diriku
Agar tidak tersilap langkah
Untuk jalan dihadapanku

Mungkinkan berakhir sebuah persahabatan
Yang kupupuk dan kujaga dgn harapan
Kutinggalkan memori denganmu
Kutanam bersama sayang di kalbu
Kerna dirimu sudah bertemu
Teman yang lebih sempurna buatmu
Yang mampu memahamimu
Dan lebih dapat menyayangimu
Moga dapat kulepaskan
Moga dapat kurelakan
Agar ku mampu meneruskan
Kehidupan untuk diriku

"You're my best friend and I'll be your best friend as long as you need me to" - My Best Friend

Guess you've decided to throw that away.