This Is My Home

I have deleted my third myspace account since 2005. Hopefully, that one will the last one. For the time being, I don't wanna open up any new account. This is my home now. I can say anything I want right here. Nobody can stop me. I can express my feelings without restrictions.

2007 has been a bad year for me. I just hope there won't be a continuation of unfortunate and heartbreaking events. I've had enough. I am tired of being sad, devastated, frustrated over things. I wanna be happy.

I cut my hair recently. Back to my old style. I guess I'm really comfortable this way. Though it might not look that good, I think it's better than my previous long straightened hair.

I'm gonna quit my job soon. I really need to get out of that place. I'm not feeling good doing that job without passion and sincerity. I need a break. A good break. I need to take my mind of certain things. Things which has affected me miserably. I know it will be so hard for me to do it. I need to learn how to get up and walk again.

To you my Friend, I know you told me it would be up to me right now to decide. To decide whether you're worth being my friend or not. I just hope whatever you've said earlier via sms is true. Deep in my heart, I know I can't be mad at you forever. I'm not that kind of person. But I want you to know once again that, I'm hurt. Deeply hurt. If I have the power to disappear, I would.

I guess I have said enough for today.
Goodnight.

p/s: Awk, I'm sorry for putting you in a terrible situation. I am in one right now.It's not my intention to push you away. Neither do I want to make you feel guilty over things. So, please pray for me. Hopefully, I'll be better soon.

Letter To A Friend

Dear friend (and you know who you are),

I hope you will read this and clearly understand what I am going to say. I have never thought this thing would actually happen. I don't know what I should do and think. Knowing you has been one of the best thing for me. I have loved and cared for you. Though our relationship is just as friends,best friends as you told me before, but you are important to me. I have trusted you, and my trust has been as strong as before though I know all the things that you have done, and some of it prolly has affected my feeling in some ways. I don't mind. I forgave you for doing that, but this time around, it's hard for me. You might think I'm being over reacted but if you were be put in my shoes, you would prolly feel the same thing as I feel right now, and maybe you would do the same thing. I've known you inside out. I've always put you ahead of me, coz I want you to be happy. I have always tried to be a good friend to you, to be there for you when you're sad, to listen to all of problems when you need me to,spend my time with you when you want me to and god knows what I have done for you. You brought meanings to my life. You made me believe that best friends does exist. You're not just as ordinary friend to me. I don't have many friends to start with. I know I'm not the most gorgeous person alive, I'm not the most brilliant guy and I'm not the kindest person ever. I have my flaws and I know mostly all of it. That is why, when I started to know someone, someone nice, someone that I can get along with, I'll have the tendency to care for that person and will try not to hurt my own friend in any kind of way. Especially when I have trusted the person.

The thing that you have done truly hurt me. If you said words can't describe how you feel over this, I will say the same thing. Prolly mine is a lot worse that yours. You've had the options not to do it, but you ended up doing it. I, on the other hand, was so stupid to have feelings which I should have not, and to actually believe in you that you won't commit such things. I stood up for you for god sake. I've told you my feelings.

Why didn't you stop me?
Why did you let me to have those feelings?
Why didn't you tell me earlier?
Why?
Am I not worth something for you?
Are my feelings not important to you?
You it would hurt me, but you still did it.
Unintentionally. Right.
What do you expect me to do when I'm in this kind of situation?
"Sorry" is the only word you said you could say right?
So you want me to forgive you.
You even expressed to me your deepest apology.

I don't know. My heart is broken. Into million little pieces like I have said in earlier post. I was so mad at you, until I didn't have any tears to cry. Why I didn't talk to the other person that night when I was with you? Is because I am not your significant other so I don't think I should face the other person. It is you that I have to talk to. And your answers to my questions, god knows how I felt at that time. If I were someone else, I guess you won't be sitting there looking like that. I just had to do it. I don't care whether it was the right thing or not, but definitely better than what you have done, I just had to do it. Never in my life, I felt so betrayed. Never in my life, I felt so ashamed. So stupid. Never.

You said I'm your best friend, but is this how you treat me?
You made me wait, with hope that I would give up.
And your reason for coming out? Gosh! I felt like there was a sharp knife slicing my heart.
That was how you treat you own best friend?
What does it mean to you?
Have I ever annoyed you?
Have I ever betrayed you?
Have I ever made you mad?
Have I?
Tell me.

Sigh. I'm at the losing side again. As usual. I don't really care about it, coz I know my story has always ended up the same. But to face this? I don't know when will I recover.

Do you care for me?
Do you still want me to be your friend?
Do you still want me in your life?
Only you have the answers.
And my answers will be depending on that.
I'll just wait and see.

Thank you for everything.

Yours Sincerely,
Adi Luqman

p/s: It has been more than 2 weeks right? Right?

"Bisakah yang benci disayangi
Bisakah yang dusta dimaafi
Walauku himpunkan sesalku
Bisakah terbuka kalbu"

Starts With Goodbye

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
It's sad but, Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye
...................................

Should I? :(

The Worst Day Of Life

I'm devastated. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm annoyed. I'm depressed. I'm ashamed. I'm angry. I'm mad at myself. I'm everything right now. Every negative feelings you could ever think of.

There's nothing left for me. I've lost. Almost everything. Why is this thing happening to me? I don't have any tears left to cry. I'm numb. I don't know what to think. No words could describe my feelings. My emotions. What did I do, sampai I kena treat macam ni? To be hurt this much?

I'm torn. My heart is broken into million little pieces. I can never mend this broken heart. I have no strength. I'm powerless. I just wanna leave. Runaway.


Torn
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore
Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn.

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor
Youre a little late, Im already torn

Breakaway

I'm at the office now. Trying my very best to concentrate on my job. It's so hard to do something when you don't have any passion for it. I don't know what to do with what I feel. I'm struggling to get rid of this feeling and just go on with I have now. Many other people doesn't have a proper job. I should be grateful to have a job with a good pay although I'm not into it.

Last night I was at my friends place. Lepaking as usual. It was nice to have friends around you. I feel better when I get to talk to someone else. The day before, it was hell. It was a bad Friday. I was so bored. I didn't know what to do. I didn't do where to go. Late that evening, after buying my sis' I decided to just grab the car keys and drove myself to Taman Tasik Permaisuri. Why there? Simply because I thought it would be nice and good for me to enjoy the scenery. I'm bored of shopping malls etc. That's why I chose to go there. I tried contacting few of my friends just to know where they were.Most of them were busy, so I guess it was better for me to just let them do whatever they had to do. After almost an hour there, I decided to get something to eat. So I went to Queen's Park, at Jalan Peel and have myself a lil snack and a hot chocolate with whipped cream and hazelnuts while reading some magazines I bought few days earlier. Then I walked down to Club 21 and bought a shirt there. I just had to because, I was bored. Seriously. I had to buy a shirt because I was bored? Stupid right? Nah. There's no use for me to talk about it because what's done is done.

So back to last night. I was at my friends place. We were planning to watch AF together. We did more than just that. We watched Mr World (ho and celebrated Ijat's birthday. Aishah's son. Well, I wasn't aware of the celebration until yesterday's evening. The celebration was simple. It was nice. It was good to have everyone around. All were there. How do I specifically describe my feelings at that time? I don't know. I just enjoyed what I had. I went with the flow. Huhu. After the celebration was over, we had dinner together. It was pleasant. I thought I wanted to spend the night there, but under few circumstances, I went back home.

As for today, nothing excites me.I do not have the drive to go to work. Like I said before. I'm on the verge of breaking down. Sometimes I feel like i don't want to talk to anyone else, expecially my friends. But I'm afraid that would make everything worse. My emotions are unstable. My mood is behaving like mad. I don't know why. I'm not feeling good. I don't feel content with my life. I'm suffering from an unknown disease. Maybe people would think it's "mengade-ngade" disease but I'm am feeling it. So I guess, I know better. Maybe those people doesn't know my situation. I know. Probably, my problem is not as big as other's. But it still does affect my everyday life. My emotions to be exact.

When will I get better?
When can I have my life back?
Or, maybe this is my life.
But I don't want to have this kind of life.
I don't wanna feel anything like this anymore. Not as much as this.

Today a friend of mine visited my blog. He sent me a message after that( I supposed). He apologised if he happened to be one of those people which I felt has been pushing me away. He also said that he is sorry if he ever hurt me. Thinking what to say in reply, I just wrote things that would probably explain my feelings right now. What else can I say? Nothing much. I just wanna thank him for being concern. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe I should be wilder? As what one of my friends suggested yesterday. He was kidding though. But I'm considering it. I don't know. Wilder as in more aggresive. I shouldn't be as naive as before. Right?
I'm breaking away. I can do that. Hopefully.

Selagi Bertahan

"Seringkali
Ku diuji dilukai
Masih lagi
Ku bertahan hingga kini
Betahan demi
Cinta pada yang ku sayangi
Sekalipun pahit

Selagi
Ku mampu bertahan
Selagi itulah jua
Tidak sekali aku tunduk mengalah
Di mana pun berdiri
Akan ku tetap genggami
Begitulah sayang
Selebihnya

Biarpun sungguh perit
Menanggung beban yang menghimpit
Ku tetap gagahi"

I decided to listen to the song when I was on my way back home just now. I don't know why I chose to listen to the song, but I just felt like it. It has been one of my favorite ballads of all time. The melody is simple but the touching. That's what I like about it. The lyrics? Straight to the heart.

Things were hard for me lately. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to and really cry my heart out.I have one actually but probably he would understand why am I saying this. There are times when I feel like I'm being pushed away by people. People that I care about. I want to know the real situation, but I'm afraid that it is just me, taking those things too seriously.

Am i being too good to others? Am I being too kind? Why am I always being treated like this? As if I am not there, and my presence is insignificant. I don't need all the attention in the world, but I just want people to pay attention to my needs. I am not a dictator. I have never been one. In fact, I am the follower. I sometimes tend to push aside my needs, the things that I want to do, for someone else. Not because I want to show them that I am a good friend, or to make an impression that I am kind or something like that, but it is because I care. I care for my friends. Doesn't matter whether they think I am good or bad, but I just want them to know that I care. But I never thought that being good to others will bring harm to me. How ironic is that?

I went for a party today. A small get together thingie. Honestly, I thought it was just a waste of time. The event was all over the place. It was kind of messy. The food sucks. The goodie bag? Not gonna talk about it. The people was okay. I didn't know any of them except for one, who brought me in to the place where the party was held. He paid for my entrance fee. Thank you. Luckily it was cheap, so I guess I can talk shit about it. But I don't feel like it. It was their very first event, so I guess, they are all forgiven. Thank you for the evening. Though I thought I should have done something else like spending my time with someone else at somewhere else or whatsoever.

When I saw those people, I see, nothing. I'm not being judgmental but it's kind of hard for me to trust people nowadays. I love knowing new people. New friends. In fact for the past 2 years, I have met many of them. Maybe because of few unfortunate and unwanted events, leaving me all traumatic to get connected to others. I am tired of my life to be honest. I am becoming a whiner. Well, I whine to certain people only and I whine on my blog.Guess it's not wrong after all to whine. Probably I have been whining about the same freaking stuff, and my readers might want to tell me to get a life or something, but I am trying to get a life here, for your information. I am trying my very best.

My point of posting this entry is just to express how I feel about being pushed away by people. Being neglected. Being whatsoever else. Hopefully, I will be able to handle this.

I can make it through the rain.
And I hope I will "bertahan".
Selagi bertahan.