19th

I'm 19 now. Yesterday was my birthday. I was born on the same date, 19 years ago. This year's celebration was definitely better than last year's. Last year, although my friends took me out to for some meals and jalan-jalan, but I ended up celebrating it alone, watching Harry Potter, without company. It was quite sad, and lonely. Yesterday, I spent the whole day out. I spent my day with the people who has given me the chance to actually love and care for them all this while. It was a nice day, although kind of tiring. Being 19 is not really a big deal for me. Age is just a number. The more important thing is how you handle yourself, how you think, how you think of other people, how you create good relationships and bonds with others, how you cope with problems, how you solve those, how you accept your flaws, how you control your behaviour, your manners, how you deal with unwanted situation, how mature is your thinking, how professional is your acting and the list goes on. Those things are far more important than just being 19. I'm happy with what I have been given by god. The one and only. I'm grateful to have my family, my friends, and so many other things. To tell you the truth, I'm in a situation where I'm not supposed to face at this kind of age I guess. Sometimes I think, I matured to early than my age. Sometimes I think I'm more serious than what I'm supposed to be at this age. I just can't avoid of thinking about the future, what lies ahead, the consequences of my doings, the possibilties of something to happened because of my actions and again, the list goes on. I want a happy life. I guess I do own a happy life., but sometimes I feel I am not that happy. I hate that. I have been dealing with this issue for quite sometime. It has tortured me like hell. Seriously. Last night I had the chance to express my feelings to a friend of mine. I was so stressed, I would say. I hate to be controlled, I hate the fact that I feel I am being controlled. I hate to be pushed and the fact that I am being pushed, is pushing my patience to its limit. I don't like my actions to be supervised 24-7. I WANT my own space. I WANT my freedom. Freedom to know anyone that I want to know. Freedom to go anywhere that I think is appropriate for me to go. I WANT to spend my time with my friends. Fyi, I have more that ONE friend. I WANT to enjoy my youth. I WANT to explore the world, and I WANT to explore it on my own but with necessary guidance. How I wish, I could just go somewhere right now. Somewhere far, where I can actually be on my own , enjoy the peace, enjoy the views, enjoy the freedom. Somewhere where I can relax my mind, relax my feelings, and just be all by myself. I don't need to report, what I am doing, don't need to tell others what I'm gonna do, don't need to feel as if I'm being owned by someone. I will tell myself, that I'm am owned by someone, when I think I have found the right person to own me. I don't want anyone else to think, that they own me, and have rights to know EVERY SINGLE thing that's happening in my life, unless, I have given them the AUTHORITY to do so. I will personally, show them that they own me, and they are allowed to know, what they want to know. I have my own heart. I want my privacy. I want my rights. I decide who I want to have relationship with. I decide what I want. There will always be a line. No matter how fine the line is, it is still A LINE. Don't ever cross it...because it will hurt me. It has been quite a year. I hope the year that I am going through right now, is going to be better, because I'm tired of everything, right now. Chow!

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

One of my fav ballads of all time. Originally performed by Sir Elton John. Anyway, I got this video from Perez Hilton (check out the site, it's cool). Watch it here :



She's Leona Lewis. United Kingdom X-Factor's contestant ( click the link for more information about the show) . I really love her perfomance. I think this is the best rendition of the song that I have heard so far. She is good. She reminds me of Mariah Carey. Man, her pipes are brilliant. I love how she improvised the song. Made it more beautiful with better emotions. She delivered it really well. I believe the story that she's trying to tell. She's gonna be big . She will. Enjoy guys! =)

A Day With Baju Melayu, Without Air Cond

A boring weekend for me. Nothing much to talk or write about. Spent my time chatting with friends, sharing stuffs and merepeking. Haha. I enjoyed it anyway. 3 more weeks left before my external exam. Frankly speaking, am not prepared. I guess I have to talk less and act more for these coming few weeks. Anyway, Nabil is gonna come back on the 15th. Miss him very much. We have been talking through MSN only.

Yesterday I went to Miss Mimi's open house at Bukit Antarabangsa. Man, I love that area. Her place is quite okay. Kinda cozy and nyaman. Well, when she was inviting me and my 2 other friends for her open house, she told me to wear baju melayu along with sampin. Well I did, with open heart, but the best part is, I was the ONLY one who was wearing baju melayu yesterday. Wargh! The other guys were wearing casuals only. Damn! That was not the only "best" thing that happened yesterday. My car air-cond got problem. Can you believe that? Hot baju melayu, no air-cond. Perfect! Just perfect! Luckilly, my body was in a good mood to control the sweat,so I didn't sweat like crazy. Thank god. After having my meal, Laila arrived with her baju kurung with lots of beading. She was beautiful, as always. Woops! Haha. Well, it is definately not wrong for me to appreciate god's creation, right? Ngeh3. We had some kuih raya. I enjoyed spending my time with her and I love the food except for the fried bee hoon. Kinda yucky. Both of us agreed to leave the place at 5, and we did. Laila went back to her bother's place somewhere in Bukit Antarabangasa also, while I headed back home. It was a nice day. =)

Good Night & Good Luck

My first post, and prolly the last for today. Am concentrating for my audit paper tomorrow morning. Yea rite, concentrate lah sangat! Anyway, nothing much to say about me today. Didn't come out with anything good, wasn't really a productive day. I watched again the Housewives episode, and guess what? I cried for the second time. This time , it was more intense. I can really feel the emotions. I have no idea why , and how, I could cry. I was actually feeling sad, deep down inside, but I am not sure what is the real reason behind it. At this very moment, I'm pretty sure, I am not 100% okay with my life. I feel empty. Emptiness that bothers me. I have everything, yet I still feel something is not right. I am missing something, but I don't know what is the thing that I am missing right now. I could not let myself get distrated by this kind of feeling. I have plenty of other things to think about. I don't wanna think of any problems at the moment.

"Enjoy the beautiful day. We get so few of them"- Mary Alice Young

That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Good night and good luck to..me =) Chow~

Bang : We Can't Prevent What We Can't Predict

Bang! I just watched the latest episode of my favourite tv series, Desperate Housewives. Why do I want to write about it of all sudden? I have my reason. That was by far, the best episode ever! It was THE moment of Desperate Housewives. Maybe I'm a bit exaggerating, but I presonally think that was the best one. I have never felt so touched by any of its episodes. I cried. Seriously. I just did. It's hard for me to cry over a story, unless it's damn good and touches my heart. So basically, what I am trying to say here is, Desperate Housewives is definately a good show. I have been following the series since the debut, and i enjoyed watching it. I love all the actors, the characters, the storyline and of course the twists and turns. Marc Cherry is a great writer. He knows how to make a story a little more interesting and different. The last few episodes of the new season of Desperate Housewives were a bit , plain, but the latest one was the bomb. I just love it. I really do (You prolly know how I love it by now). I always wonder, how can they possibly, kill an annoying character, in a very , very touching way, until we sympathize the person, and do not want him or her to die? How can they do that? I mean, we have already hated the character, but suddenly, we do not want them to be killed. It's ironic, and the worst part is, they managed to make me rain. Haha, if you know what I mean. I can't wait for the next episode. I won't be expecting much, but I hope it will be good too. It can't be good always, nanti terover pulak. I prolly should stop writing now. Now only I realised that I have been writing more than a post lately. Is it good or bad? Nah.Don't care. It's my blog, my territory, and nobody can kacau me. Chow! Nitey!

p/s: The story ended with a bang. "We can't prevent what we can't predict" - Mary Alice Young.

Am NOT Late

Phew. Got back home around 4.30 pm just now. I sat for 2 papers today. Well, if you have read my previous post about me being late, luckilly I was not. I reached coll around 5 minutes before the exam starts. I was not ready for it , seriously. I just did what I can do. For PCPM, there were 4 questions, I had to answer all of them, but I only managed to answer the calculation parts. I didn't answer the theories because I have no idea what to write. Like I said, i wasn't ready for that paper. I didn't read much. I just browsed through the exercises which I have done, and that was it. I didn't even bother to open up the text book. I was not in the mood to study everything. Whatever! I ahd lunch with Laila and Yeen. I ordered plain rice with ayam masak merah (haven't eat it for like more than a month), Yeen ordered fried beehoon and Laila had Kuey Teow Hailam. Basically, we had good time , eating while revising our taxation book. The next paper was , taxation of course. I started answering the questions at 2.15 pm and I finished it off aprroximately, 1 hour 45 minutes later. It was supposed to be a 3 hour paper, but I have no idea how can I conclude the paper that fast. So I decided to head back home early. On my way home, a friend of mine, Afkhar called me and we talked for a while. I like talking to him anyway. It was a short conversation though. Anyway, today, the traffic was good. It was kind of smooth and I reached home earlier than I thought. Afkhar called me again, and we talked for a while more. The line was bad, so I called him back. Aiyo, now I'm hungry la pulak. I want to talk to Saiful first and see how he's doing. I don't know what I'm gonna do later. My friend asked me to go to Sg. Wang and lepak with him, prolly I won't cause it's raining now, and I want to start learning how to save my money. Haha. Gotta go now. Will write later. Tata

Am Late!

Am getting ready for my coll. I don't know whether I will be able to answer the papers today. Especially costing. I'm just gonna do what I can do. The rest I'll leave to god. Better get going now. Haven't taken my breakfast yet. Was busy siaping myself. Thought of having the cereals but am not sure whether I have the time. The paper starts at 9 o'clock but I'm still here, at home. Hope I'll reach there on time. Gotta go. Wish me luck!

Demi Waktu

Aku Yang Tak Pernah Bisa
Lupakan Dirinya
Yang Kini Hadir
Di Antara Kita
Namun Ku Juga Takkan Bisa
Menepis Bayangmu
Yang Selama Ini Temani
Hidupku

Maafkan Aku Menduakan Cintamu
Berat Rasa Hatiku
Tinggalkan Dirinya
Dan Demi Waktu
Yang Bergilir Di Sampingmu
Maafkanlah Diriku
Sepenuh Hatimu

Seandainya Bila
Ku Bisa Memilih

Kalau Saja Waktu Itu
Ku Tak Jumpa Dirinya
Mungkin Semua Takkan
Seperti Ini

Dirimu Dan Dirinya Kini
Ada Di Hatiku
Membawa Aku Dalam
Kehancuran

Maafkan Aku Menduakan Cintamu
Berat Rasa Hatiku
Tinggalkan Dirinya
Dan Demi Waktu
Yang Bergilir Di Sampingmu
Maafkanlah Diriku
Sepenuh Hatimu

Seandainya Bila
Ku Bisa Memilih 

Ungu
05/06

Exam Mode

Just woke up. Feeling so restless and hopeless. Knowing that I have to study for my papers tomorrow is just so..tiring. What's going on with my brain? Tomorrow's gonna be quite a big day with 2 big papers. PCPM (Planning, Control, and Perfomance Management - a costing paper) and also Preaparing Taxation Computation. Those are killer papers. Infact, everything is. I don't know which one I'm gonna start first, but I like taxation better than costing. Maybe because it's more interesting, and less annoying. Yeah, costing annoys me, but ironically, I got the highest for costing paper last semester's external exam. Weird huh? Pure luck I guess, I didn't expect it, but I know I will get good marks, because I felt good after answering the questions, but I certainly didn't expect to get the highest. Anyway, back to present day. I have to plan today's schedule. I didn't tell my parents than I'm gonna sit for my final exams tomorrow, just because I don't want them to somehow, put restrictions on my freedom. When I think about it again , I have to tell my mom, at least, because I can't be staying at home for the entire day today. I told her I have class. Hehe. But I'm feeling lazy to go out just to make it seems like I'm going out for classes. So, maybe I'm gonna tell her that I don't have class today, because all the lecturers are busy with UiTM's exam papers and they asked all the CAT students to study on their own for the upcoming exams. Can I do that? I'm not lying. I'm just not going to tell the whole truth. *wink* So, first thing I'm gonna do after this is to hit the shower. Get something to fill up my fuel tank after that. Then, study. Taxation first. Then costing. Hrmm..okay. Better get going now. Time flies!! Time is money, not gold anymore. Money, money, money!

p/s: 15 + x = 36, so x = ? more days to go.... :D

Sampai Mati

I really like this song. It's by Kris Dayanti. Famous Indonesian singer. I love her voice, she is just cool. Why do I like this song anyway? because of the lyrics of course. It's a beautiful song. I love the melody. It is just so...menyentuh. You prolly thing I'm jiwang. I don't think I am *in denial*. It's just that, I'm a sucker for this kind of song. Love ballads. Hehe. Anyway, I want to share this particular song. Read through the lyrics. It's sad. Wish I could get the video on youtube and paste it here, but I can't find it. Sad...huhu.Enjoy.

Sampai Mati

Biarkanlah Aku Mencintaimu

Walaupun Dirimu Bukan Lagi Milikku

Biarkanlah Aku Menyayangimu

Sampai Mati

Biarkanlah Aku Kini Sendiri

Dulu Memang Aku Yang Tinggalkan Dirimu

Biarkanlah Aku Menangis Lagi

Sampai Mati

Andai Diriku

Bisa Menahan Egoku

Mungkin Tak Akan Berakhir Begini

Kini Tak Bisa Ku Meraihmu

'tuk Menemaniku

'tuk Mencintaiku

Biarkan Semua Aku Jalani

Karena Semua Kesalahan Diriku

Biarkanlah Aku Kini Sendiri

Sampai Mati

Biarkan Aku Mencintai Dirimu

Meski Kau Bukan Milikku

Biarkanlah Aku Mencintaimu

Sampai Mati..

Kris Dayanti

2006

Zero Four Eleven..Hrmm

So many things to do , but so little time I have. I don't know whether I should put it that way, seriously . I have an exam to be taken next week. It's gonna be a big exam, because it's my internals, the questions are being prepared my my college (the lecturers), and it's my final exam for this semester. I supposed to be a very important exam, but it's not as important as my externals which will be held in December. I have been spending a lot of my time, not studying or concentrating on my studies. Honestly, I have so many chapters to be covered in a small period of time. I haven't done any revisions at all, especially for my audit paper. I don't know what is actually happening to me. I just don't have any semangat. I would rather spending my time lepaking, than staying at home, studying and do revisions. God, now only I realised that I have been actually wasting my time, and ironically, I am not that kind of person, to be honest, and I hate it. I hate wasting my time doing nothing. When I go out, I'll make sure that I will do something that is, beneficial. Well, not all the time, because sometimes, I do like just boraking with my friends, sitting in a cafe, window shopping and etc. I will get bored of that eventually, because when it's becoming too long and meleret , I will start cursing myself for wasting the time that I have. I do enjoy spending time and long conversations with friends yang I jarang-jarang jumpa. I am a kind of person who loves to have a good , meaningful conversation. Whether it's about life, relationships, problems, or fun things, I don't mind, as long as it is good, and I'll gain some new knowledge and experience. I don't like to crap. That is just not me. But it depends on my mood. When my gila-gila button has been turned on, I can crap and make jokes, but I will know when to stop. What I am trying to here is that, I don't like to just sit and do nothing but somehow, that is what I have been doing lately. I should stop that. I know I have to. Sigh. I really need to study. God, help me!!!

Anyway, today was a good and a bad day for me. I'm not gonna talk about the good thing, but I can say, I had a good night, I was feeling very comfortable and I enjoyed it very much. The bad thing happened was, earlier on today. Sigh. I don't think I really want to write it here, because I believe in, "let bygones be bygones". Haha. Can I? For sure I can. It's my blog and I can do anything I want. *Wink*

p/s: 23 days to go...:)

It's Amazing How Time Flies...

"It's amazing how fast time flies". Got that from a friend's blog. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. I can't believe how far I have gone. It's gonna be a year soon and my birthday is coming, 25 more days to be exact. I'm gonna be 19. I'm getting older, older than before. I'm not scared of it, because, that is life. You'll be getting older, and mature , to learn about life, the challenges, the people and to face the future. My course is ending soon, in a month time. I'll be free, for 3 months, at least. I have yet to construct an actual plan for my break but most probably, I'll be looking for a job. To support myself, to learn how to stand on my own, to experience the real world, to face new challenges, to learn new things, and to ern my own money, of course. To be honest, I don't know whether I can actually do all that. I have never in my life, done, a real job. Working office hours, or shifts or anything got to do with that, but if I don't make a move, and try, how am I supposed to gain knowledge and the most important thing, to acquire experience? I have to do that. I know I can. I have to trust myself, to have faith because nobody else will. I want to explore the world. The reality. I wanna go out there, and mark my territory!..Okay, that sounds over the top. Anyway, where was I?..Oo. The working thingie. Yeah. I'm gonna get a job. Then, I'm gonna earn some money, spend it, keep it, save it, and I wish I could further my study. I do want to. If I can, I want to fulfill my dreams. To study abroad. To feel what is like to live alone, far from home, far from heaven. I heard from friends, saying, at first you will be so excited knowing that you'll be studying overseas, you will still be for the first few months, and it will slowly be turned into hell later on. Heck. I know I will be suffering. Missing home, friends, etc. But that what makes man, a man. You live , you learn , you suffer, you fall down, you rise again, all by yourself. That's what I believe in, so far. What will I be? I always wonder. Am I gonna be an extraordinary successful person? or just an ordinary people living in an ordinary world? Am I gonna be remembered for what I have done, contributed or just gonna be forgotten like anyone else? I'm not sure which I want to be. But, I know what kind of life I want to have and to lead. I want a simple life. Simple, but diff and extraordinary. Should I say it that way? I want to be happy, that's for sure. I wanna die peacefully, that's my wish. I hope god has good plans for me. I really do. I don't know where will I be next year. What's gonna happen to me. Who's gonna be my new friends. Who's gonna leave my existing circle of friends. I'll be waiting, I'll be wondering. And I will be putting some more effort,will try my very best to make sure , next year, will be a better year for me. Can I say goodbye to 2006 earlier than everyone else? Hrmm....I guess not, because the best day, and also can be the worst day of the year haven't left its mark in my heart, this year. I guess I should wait for the day to come. I wanna see whether it will bring happiness, or it's gonna be as normal as any other days. I hope not. Insya' Allah. Ameen.