Afraid

I’m afraid.

Afraid that I will lose perhaps, the only chance of my happiness.
Afraid that what I am believing is unreal.
Afraid that all of these are just temporary lies.
Afraid that I will lose something I thought I would own.

I am afraid.

I know the feeling has been there for such a long time. I somehow couldn’t believe it is actually happening. But could it be real?

Or am I just dreaming?

Deep down inside, I wonder whether what I have heard, what I have been told are the truth or just plain lies

I’m not doubting anyone’s heart. I’m not doubting mine either. But I will be lying if I said that I don’t wonder. Things are going so well, it seems unbelievably good. And never have I felt that good before. I’m happy. I honestly am. But, I just want to know that I am being happy for something real. My heart is too fragile to be hurt.

I am afraid.

Happy!

I am so happy

Happy as I can be!

p/s: I never felt this way since the last time I felt this way. (what a sentence!)

Persona

After a short discussion last night, there will be a light change in my plan (my plan?) of buying a car.

My dad wants it to be as our second family car.

So, instead of buying this car

He wants to buy this one!

I’m sad. I want my veevee. But because Myvi tu hanya 1.3 , he doesn’t want. Dia kata tak pick up and etc. I can’t say much. I’ll be sharing the installments with him won’t I? Never mind. But I’m just scared it will take months for me to get the car. That will annoy me. And I don’t like things to irritate me. Nobody does aight?

Imagine, a friend of mine ordered the car like 4 months ago and dia masih lagi tak dapat the car. Oh my god. And he already paid the down payment like 6000 something. 4freaking months? Kalau I dah fengsan.

Okay, nak change the topic now. Putting aside the car thingie, let me tell you now, I’m broke! Like totally. Well adalah baki baki duit dalam bank, tapi tu pun setakat CUKUP MAKAN. Arghhh!! I don’t like this situation! I hate it so very much. Wish I have someone that I can just call and ask dia masukkan duit bila I kering. That’d be so effing nice kan?

Let me tell you why I’m broke or on my way of bankruptsy. Because of my trip to Perhentian Island! Okay, I’m not blaming it on the trip because I was the one yang excited gila nak vacay semua kan? So I’m facing the consequences of my decision. Do you wanna know how much I actually spent for the trip? The total cost of my 3 days trip to heaven?

It’s

RM881!!!

*fengsan!*

That is close to 900 bucks (not USD u doink!)

Maybe to some of you, that amount of money is nothing kan, coz you guys kerja menletop-letop, but to me, like Oh My God!

Tu la encik Adi Luqman ni tak reti nak belanja dengan berhemah! I so need to record all of my expenses again. Keep track of the money yang keluar. Learn how to budget. So kenalah feeling feeling jadi menteri kewangan untuk buat Bajet 2008/2009. Plus, I’m be acquiring a car which I’ll be paying in half. So my monthly commitment will increase. Scary!

Okay, this is what I need to pay every month:
My Astro : 50 bucks
My mom : 150 bucks (so little kan?)
My peesee: 200 bucks ( I have to pay to my dad because I bought this thing using his evil plastic card)
My limosine : 100 bucks
My Maxis : 100 bucks (and it’s increasing due to my phone activities!)

So in total now, I have to pay 600 bucks for everything. So that is like almost half of my nett pay.

As for the car, I have already told my dad, the maximum amount of kertas yang ada signature gabenor bank Negara tu, yang I boleh kasi untuk bayar the installment is only 300 buck. Jadi, after this my monthly commitment would be,

RM 900!!!

*fengsan kali kedua*

Takkooottt!!!!!!

Camne nak shopping dah after this? (selama ni kau shopping sangat ke?)
Camne nak makan best best? (you DO eat like a cow, according to your office colleagues!)
Camne nak tengok wayang hari hari? (eh, hari hari ke aku tengok pun?)
Camne nak jalan jalan buang duit? (doink! Sejelas jelasnya you can’t simply spend your money!)

Hmm, I’m still waiting for my choir payment and god knows when they will bank the money in to my bank account. Mintak all the details bagai nak rak. Sign the contract bagai. Paymentnya? Next year I think!!

Penat lah piker pasal duit. Nak nangis je rasa. Tetiba dah tader mood.

Booboo!!!

BooBoo

Bila hati berkata sayang, fikiran mula merawang
Bila cinta mula ada, hati mula jadi gelora

I never expected things would be this way. Part of me wants to believe it is real, but part of me is saying, could this be true?

Love is so complicated; it makes you stand upside down. Love is so complicated; it makes you go round and around.

Love can ruin lives. Love can be damaging. Love is dangerous. It may create anger, hatred, and you can never see. It changes you.

What’s the huge deal about love anyway? The deal is huge, you can never measure.

Bila hati tak berdetik cinta, jelas sudah perasaan tak mampu dipaksa,Bila cinta dah dinyata, hadapilah hakikat yang bakal diterima

Okay, change topic.

My dad suggested that I should by a car and he said he would share the monthly payment with me. Very interesting kan? I got all excited after knowing that he actually WANTS to share the installments! How can you resist that?

I have been wanting to own a car for quite sometime, but it is just that, I’m afraid of the commitment. You know, I have to apply loans etc, it’s quite a huge thing kan? I’m not even 21 yet. But someone (someone ke?) told me that it’s actually good for me to be committed to something. Menjadikan I lebih bertanggungjawab. It’s very true.

So, I have made up my mind, I will just go for it. I hope everything will turn out be good. What car I will be buying?

This one!


I love this car. I want it in black.

But everything is still on the initial stage. Wish me luck!

p/s: miss my booboo.

Annoyed

I’m annoyed. I know I am. Why?
Because of few things.

Sarcasm
It’s useful when it is needed. You may apply it when it is necessary but definitely not all the time. It will be such an annoyance if you do not know when is the appropriate time for you to be all sarcastic to someone else. You have to remember one thing; people may not like you because of your attitude. Yes, you can say, “what you see is what you get, if you do not like me, then be it, I won’t give a damn!” but who on earth will actually care for you if you don’t know how to behave? You are not that great to humiliate others. Certain people can consider your sarcasm as something funny, but if your sarcasm is getting boring and sickening, maybe you should just lay low and shut the eff up. It’s better that way.

Jealousy
Okay, I have this friend of mine. I can consider him as a good friend because he has helped me a lot. We have been friends for many years. I respect him as my friend. But one thing about him that I realized, I don’t know how to say this but he macam akan, jealous kot whenever I have something “more” than him. Entahlah, it’s becoming more obvious. If I buy something new, tak lama lepas tu he will definitely get something for him too. It’s going to be either the same thing that I bought or something better. I don’t know why. It’s annoying. Kalau sekali dua takpe, but this is like almost everytime. What the fuck? Susah lah. Nak tunjuk dia banyak duit ke? Please. Simpan jelah duit tu. Lepas tu kalau dia dapat beli benda tu dengan harga yang lebih murah, he will definitely tell me he got it for a cheaper price. For what? To make me jealous? Tolonglah. I don’t give a damn!

Boring jugak weekend ni. Didn’t do much.

Miss my sayang.

Wah, my sayang? Merepek je! Hahaha.

No, no, just kidding.

I just got back from Jalan TAR. It has been really long since I last went there. It’s getting crowded and packed with people. I have to go there once again early next month to get my baju melayu cloth. I know what I want and I will just grab it later. Senang.

Okay, dah maghrib. I’m off to the loo. Byebye

Dua

How do you react to something unexpected?

You will either be surprised and shocked or you will not feel a thing because you are too numb to have feelings.

I couldn’t describe how I am feeling. I couldn’t put them into appropriate words. I have no idea how to express what is on my mind.

I don’t like the idea of dealing with this kind of thing. Once I have made up my mind about something, it’s pretty hard for me to change it. Well, I guess I can never change it.

Anyway, I just got back from Perhentian. It was an amazing trip. The resort was good, the food was wonderful, the people were nice, the weather was fantastic, and the scenery/location was absolutely gorgeous.

I will post the pictures soon. Right now, I’m dealing with some unwanted thingies. Life is funny. It can be seriously funny. 2 people at the same time? I have never predicted that. Wow.

Two?

What should I do?

Menyesal

Semula ku tak yakin
Kau lakukan ini padaku
Meski dihati merasa
Kau berubah saat kau mengenal dia

Bila cinta tak lagi untukku
Bila hati tak lagi padaku
Mengapa harus dia yang merebut dirimu

Bila aku tak baik untukmu
Dan bila dia bahagia dirimu
Aku kan pergi meski hati tak akan rela

Terkadang ku menyesal
Mengapa ku kenalkan dia padamu

Menyesal, Ressa Herlambang

Typical Malay Drama?

I just finished writing my first ever script. Well, it is actually a story that I translated into a script because I don’t really like writing stories like novel etc because I tend to lose interest halfway.

“Sofia, Julia, Zarif dan Zarith are four individuals living in the city. Zarif and Zarith are brothers while Sofia and Julia are best friends.

One is still in love,
One is waiting for love,
One is hoping for love, and
One needs love.

In this unpredictable tale of love, they will be linked in a conflict that will transform all of their lives forever. Is all fair in love and war?

Only god knows..”

“Sofia, Julia, Zarif dan Zarith adalah empat individu yang berbeza. Zarif dan Zarith adalah pasangan adik beradik manakala Sofia dan Julia adalah kawan baik.

Seorang masih mencintai,
Seorang tetap menanti cinta,
Seorang pula mengharapkan cinta, dan
Seorang lagi perlukan cinta.

Dalam sebuah kisah yang tidak dijangkakan, mereka akan disatukan di dalam satu konflik yang bakal mengubah hidup mereka buat selamanya. Bilakah penderitaan akan berakhir dan bilakah bahagia akan menjelma kembali?

Hanya tuhan yang tahu…”

A friend of mine told me that I have been watching too much tv. HahaMaybe this story is like a typical malay drama. But somehow, I feel that this story is quite different.

I’m so glad that I actually managed to finish the story off. Cerita ni dah ada dalam kepala otak I since last year, baru sekarang berjaya ditulis dalam masa seminggu. Amazing huh? Gila actually. Hahaha.

I don’t know what to do with it. See la how. :P

Penatnya!

I am so freaking tired. I’m having a major terrible headache (maybe a lil exaggerating).

Last night concert went really well. I’m so lega to know that everything has ended. After a month of hardwork, it all paid off. I had so much fun with the choir. It really helped me though I have to bare all the mental and physical stress (whoa!).

We are given a week off. So I don’t have to go for any practices this week. I thank god for that. Last night, we were asked to sign a contract given by the choir manager. The contract contains all the details about the payment. I can’t reveal how much I’m gonna get but as a probation member, I’m going to get slightly less than the permanents. Sucks but that is how it works. To think about it again, it is kinda unfair because we (the probation members) worked as hard as the others but well, that is life. Whatever.

I’m not sure what would be the actual amount of payment I will be getting but the amount stated on the paper was pretty impressive (is it?). Maybe I will get around 200-300 less than the actual amount. I’m quite happy with it.

But I am still considering whether I nak teruskan atau tidak join this choir. I have to be really committed to it. There will be more concerts in the future and obviously I have to come for all of the rehearsals if I were to continue joining the team and be picked for the concerts.

I feel like sleeping right now. I just wish I could lie down on my bed and just…zzzz. I can hardly open my eyes. My head feels heavy and feels like it gonna blow anytime soon.

If I have the time, and if I tak lupa, I will try to upload few pics from last night. Just to share with you guys, my loyal (loyal keh?) readers. Thank you guys.

I’m gonna makan few more ubat. I just makan 2 biji panadol. It’s definitely not working. I need something stronger! Stronger!

Chow.

EMPAT

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And
when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your
roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should
ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not
excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is
just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love
itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both
an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that
grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen
from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
"Love is the beauty of the soul."

--St. Augustine

Cinta dan kehidupan memang tak dapat dipisahkan. Dalam kehidupan ada cinta dan dalam cinta ada kehidupan. Cinta adalah penawar dan cinta juga mampu meracuni diri seseorang.

How do you define love or cinta?

How do you know you are in love?

Orang kata, pabila hati berdebar saat memikirkan seseorang, itu tanda dalam hati ada cinta.
Orang kata, pabila badan menjadi lemah saat memandang seseorang, itu tanda dalam hati ada cinta.

Betul ke?

Atau it is merely infatuation?

I’m not sure whether I have been in love or not. I’m 21. Mungkin terlalu awal untuk I berbicara soal cinta. Tapi yang pasti, I pernah menyayangi. Adakah I pernah mencintai? Sayang dan cinta sangat dekat antara satu dengan yang lain but there is one very fine line that separates both of them. It’s very hard to be explained, or maybe there are no words could explain the true meaning or sayang dan cinta.

When you meet someone yang you suka, you feel that you are slowly falling in ‘love’ with the person. You would do anything to make the person happy. You would change yourself just to give good impression to the person you are trying to attract. You would want to be with the person all the time. Anything about the person gives you the power to breathe, to live. But when something bad happens, the world turns dark. You would be disappointed. You would want to hurt yourself because you are being hurt by the person you thought you are in ‘love’ with. Everything seems wrong to you. The world turns upside down. Frustrations, angers, are your new ‘best friends’. At that moment of time, you will regret for falling in ‘love’ with that person. Anything about the person would no longer be good to you. You wish you could fall out of ‘love’ but falling out of ‘love’ is harder than it seems.

But are you sure, you are in ‘love’?

Why am I bringing this love matter up?

You might say, this is the most ‘boring’ blog you have ever read online. It’s okay. I won’t mind.

But this is where I could express my feelings.

Recent events have taught me a lot. I kerap kali mengingatkan diri I sendiri supaya tidak melakukan kesilapan yang sama berulang kali. So far, I managed to control myself. I hope I could. I feel a lot better now after burying few of my feelings. Burying? Yes. It sounds stupid and illogical but that is the truth.

I’m currently in a very weird situation. I’m not sure what I should do. Hopefully, semuanya akan berakhir. One twisted story.

I am in the midst of writing a story. The story I have been keeping for quite sometime. I hope I could finish it up by next week. It’s more like script. Tajuk ceita ini masih lagi belum ada, but draft title maybe ‘EMPAT’ but I’m not sure.

“Mengisahkan tentang 4 jiwa, Sofia, Julia, Zarif dan Zarith. Tentang pergolakan cinta, kehidupan, pengorbanan dan kasih sayang. 4 jiwa yang berasingan, disatukan dalam satu konflik, konflik yang mencipta sengsara dan kebencian. Komplikasi hati yang amat membingungkan. Bagaimana akhirnya? Only god knows.”