Unwell

Time is running out. No, I’m not dying.

Call me paranoid or anything, but I always have the tendency to imagine what the future would be. Usually it won’t be a nice picture for me. I always imagine it to be sad, empty and full of misery. Why? Because that is what I’m afraid of.

I know it a very negative thing to do and I should avoid it and just of think something positive or just don’t think of it at all. But hey, it’s me. It’s not that I don’t wanna be positive but sometimes, well most of the times before this, when I think of something positive, it usually turn the other way round. And obviously it will crush my heart. Break it into million little pieces and I would face a tough time mending it, alone.

I don’t know why I am like this. I’m trying my best to hide my feelings, to control everything so that I will be just okay when everything is gone. I know I’m not alone in this world. I have family, I have friends and etc. But deep down inside, I don’t feel the joy of sharing days, happiness and care with others. It’s merely on the surface, nothing deep and meaningful.

I need meanings in my life. Everything that I do, I want it to be meaningful, to me, and to others. Call me deep or whatever, but that’s just me. To me life is a celebration. We would want to celebrate the days with the person we care the most. I guess to those who knows how it feels to have someone they love, would understand what I mean by this.

I have been blessed with a great family, a good father, a wonderful mother and an amazing little sister. My family isn’t big. It’s very small. We do have relatives but we are not close to each other. Maybe it’s due to the fact that we seldom meet each other. We only gather when there are any special occasions which I’ve always skipped. It’s not because I don’t like to socialize with them, but I just don’t feel any connection. They would always treat my family differently so that’s why I don’t really enjoy being with them.

Well, enough about my family.

I’m slightly down today. Like I said, I’m trying my best to control myself. To not think, or do something which I’m not supposed to do. It’s very hard. I’m keeping it normal. As normal as it can be. But part me of me want it to be different, but I’m running out of time. What should I do?

If ever the day comes, when I just shut myself off from anyone and EVERYONE, that means I’ve reached my peak.

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

“All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I dont know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

Im talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow Ive lost my mind

I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away”