For You

Payah untuk aku mulakan tulisan ini. Antara mahu atau tidak. Yes, my intention is to stop blogging for a while but there are so many things I need to get out of my chest. Jika aku luahkan, takut dikatakan melara jiwa. Jika aku simpan, terlalu sakit aku rasa. Maafkan aku sebab terpaksa.

I'm in the lowest level of emotion I could possibly be. I'm down. Yes, I'm sorry I have to admit it. It's not that I can't be happy at all but I'm unstable. That's all I could say. I'm sorry. Aku memang nampak senyum, riang dan girang tapi sebenarnya, hati dan fikiranku berkecamuk. I don't wanna think at all but seakan luka lama berdarah kembali. Luka setahun lepas yang baru pulih, bagaikan ditusuk semula.

A friend of mine told me that I need to have time and space on my own. Maybe he's right but thinking about semua yang dah jadi, buat aku kecewa.

To you,

Hopefully you're reading this because I don't have anymore idea on how to reach you. You didn't reply my smses. Why? You told me you need time. I understand what you're going through. I totally do but why are you keeping quiet from me? It hurts my feelings because I don't know what is going on.You seem to avoid me. I do want to call you, but I'm afraid you won't pick up my call, and that would obviously make my wound deeper.

The last time I saw you, you looked so miserable. It broke my heart, knowing that I can't be a help at all. I waited for you for an hour, yes, you didn't ask me to come but I just wanted to see how you're doing. But I got to see you only less than 5 minutes. Takpelah, asalkan I got to see you.

(Terima kasih pada someone yang sangat sangat baik to let me use the car untuk ke sana biarpun pada awalnya aku membatalkan hasrat aku. Thank you very much.)

Can't you imagine how I'd feel? You are doing exactly the same thing that he did to you before, to me. It's like you're erasing me from your life without me knowing the true reasons. Why? I'm clueless.

It has been days since I heard anything from you. I read your blog everyday, just to know your condition although I'm not sure whether you're feeling better or worse. Yeah, who am I for you to care what I would feel right? You are making me feel like whatever you have told me before
were lies. You make me feel like you were using me just for the sake of trying to forget what you were feeling. I try not to think negatively, but why are you hanging me like this? Is it so hard for you to reply me?

Yes, you are going through hell. I'm sorry for being a burden to you. But don't. Don't do this to me. Someone else did this to me previously and I don't want the same thing to happen again. I believe you would know my feelings right now, because what I'm feeling at the moment is the exact same thing you felt weeks ago. I'm not asking you to talk about "us" because based on what I have read on your blog, it seems to me, there won't be any "us" at all.

I try not to think about "us", although it hurts my feelings when I think about all the things you told me not too long ago. Are you trying to say that all the things you did and told me were nothing? Because you were under the "infulence"? God! If it's true, then please talk to me. Don't ruin what we've had. I know you are different than A. I know..please..

Entahlah, I don't know what I should think. If time that you need, I give it to you but please, don't throw me away just like that...

To the other you,

The person who has been with me all this while, thank you very very much. I know how you feel towards me. But I can't do anything right now. I'm too fragile to even think about anything. I have to make sure I am okay in order for me to decide anything. I hope you understand although I know, you are hurting, just like me. I appreciate all the things you have done to make me feel better. And yes, you are a big help. You made me stronger but...please understand my situation. I'm fighting with my emotions and the demons in me.

I know you need someone to be with you. After years together with the ones you loved, you can't be alone. You want to be loved. You want to have someone by your side all the time. I know. But please, understand my situation. Don't force me to do the unthinkable. I'm begging you. Please..

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

If I have loved someone, I would love the person with all my heart. I'm not a type of person yang senang untuk melafazkan cinta or "I Love You". Sekali dirasa, sekali dilafaz, sukar untukku melupakannya begitu saja. If I have to sacrifice, I would. I would let everyone go.

Sakit sungguh hatiku ini. Sakit sungguh perasaan ku ini. Berat hatiku untuk menulis entri ini. Berat hatiku untuk meletakkannya di sini, kerana aku tahu akan ada hati lain yang terluka. Tapi fahamilah, aku yang lebih terluka.

Aku tahu ramai yang menyayangiku. Terima kasih kepada semua. Tapi mengertilah, hati ini rapuh, hati ini lemah. Fahamilah.

Aku perlukan masa untuk bangun semula. Aku perlu masa untuk berdiri semula. I need time..

Buat Terakhir Kali

“Dan ku lakukan semampu aku tuk menyayangimu
Hingga kau merasa jadi pujaan ku
Meski bercinta kadang tak indah
Tapi tuk buktikan kau yg terindah
Dan ku pastikan, I’m The Lucky One
Nikmati cinta lebih dari segalanya"

“Kau yang Merubah Segalanya
Kau sebenarnya yang mencuri hati
Aku yang masih meratapi kehancuran
Cinta lalu yang tak kesampaian

Apakah yang terburu-buru
Cuba melupakan peristiwa lalu
Atau mungkinkah ku terpesona pada
Kejujuran yang engkau berikan”

“Dan Untuk Pertama Kali
Cintaku terbagi
Dan kuingin milikinya

Dan Untuk Pertama Kali
Kusangkali janji
dan bahagia mencintainya”

“Kaulah Segalanya
Yang menyinar hidupku kasih
Hanya satunya yang ku cintai

Sambutlah cintaku
Jangan kau pergi dari sisi
Cintaku padamu
Ikhlas sejati”

“Sesuatu yang tak disangka
Seringkali mendatangi kita
Itukah Suratan dalam kehidupan
Atau hanya satu Kebetulan”

“Yang Kumau
Ada dirimu tapi tak begini keadaannya
Yang Kumau
Selalu denganmu

Jika tuhan mahu begini
Rubahlah semua jadi Yang Kumau
Kerna ku ingin semua berjalan
Seperti Yang Kumau”

“Mungkinkah kan kembali masih sangsi
Tiada Pasti, aku menanti kini”

“What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you’re not there

What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it’s all over
And Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”

“Andai sampainya waktu
Aku harus tinggalkanmu
Akan aku berlalu bila tiba saat itu
Tak guna kau merayu
Tak guna menahanku
Kerana yang berlaku kehendakmu

Air mata bertamu tidak kenal erti jemu
Menemani hatiku tidak mengenal ruang waktu
Mengapa dari dulu tak kau kata kan padaku
Kehadiranku ini menyusahkan”

“Doaku agar kau kan selalu bahagia
Agar kau temui insan tulus menyayangi
Lepaskanlah diriku kerna keredhaanmu
Bukan kerna dendam jua bukan kerna kau terpaksa
Ku tinggalkan memori bersamamu
Ku undur diri bersama Harapan”

“Terlalu singkat hubungan ini
Belum pun sempat Melakar Rindu
Baru semalam mimpi dicipta
Mengapa mendung melanda sukma

Kaulah segalanya madah digubah
Ketika cinta masih di dada
Pudarlah jua kini akhirnya”

“Dan Tak Mungkin untukku
Tuk menggapai cintamu
Walau rasa di hati
Ingin memilikimu

Cinta harus berkorban
Walau harus menunggu selamanya
Ku tau…
Kau bukan untukku”

“Tak ubah berbunga lalang
Rendahnya pandanganmu
Padaku yang amat memerlukan
Kegersangan sekeping hati

Mengharapkan setitis embun
Agar basah rindu ini
Aku yang terbuang
Sejak mula lagi
Puas ku merintih
Puas ku berduka

Ku hanya mampu berserah
Berserta doa harapan
Ubahlah haluan hidup ini

Demi cinta yang menyala
KuRela menggenggam bara api
Demi kasih yang mengharum
Sungguh aku Rela

Biarpun pada pandangan
Seperti bunga yang layu terbuang
Namun kau pasti tahu
Semua kerna
Aku masih lagi setia padamu
Biar ku menangis seumpama pengemis”

“Tiada erti aku merindu
Jika kau tak ingin bertemu
Apa gunanya bercinta di dalam kepura-puraan

Yang lafaz cinta hanya di bibir
Namun diri tak seringnya hadir
Di saat engkau diperlukan aku hampa

Usah dikelirukan cinta
Yang terkusut jiwa merana
Jangan dengan separuh hati
Diri ini kau cintai

Usahlah renung hanya di mata
Benamkanlah ke dasar hati
Renunganmu telusnya pasti
Berarash ke syurga cinta

Menanti kunjungan hampir pasti
Mengharap titis embun pagi
Dan bagai Menadah Gerimis
Yang masih pulang pergi”

“Aku Berhenti Berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat

Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang, tanpa dendam
Auterima kekalahanku
Aku pulang,tanpa dendam
Kusalutkan kemenanganmu”

“Beratnya rasa hati nak melangkah pergi
Tetapi apakan daya aku terpaksa
Buat kali terakhir inginku mengucapkan
Semoga dirimu berbahagia selalu
Tentang diriku ini
Terserah padaMu Tuhan menentukan...

Tak perlu kau bertanya ke mana ku pergi
Pandailah aku menjaga diriku ini
Sekali kumelangkah oh biarlah ku teruskan
Perjalanan ini walaupun sendirian
Hanya Tuhan yang tahu dukalara hidupku ini
Tak terkata, aduhai sayang...

Selamat tinggal sayangku
Selamat tinggal kasihku
Aku terpaksa pergi dahulu
Kerana Terluka hati ini”

“Ku mengerti Perpisahan ini
Bukan kerana kau membenci
Tapi kasih yang pernah kuberi
Tiada lagi bersama

Seringkala aku terlihatkan mu
Impian nan indah
Bersulam bahagia”

------------------------------------

Berlian Berharga yang dicari
Sekeping kaca dibuang ke tepi

Berlian itulah yang membuat luka
Kaca inilah yang cuba membalutnya
Namun jelas, kaca tak mampu dibandingkan dengan berlian
Keindahan berlian tiada toloknya, kehinaan kaca tiada tandingnya

Kaca ini dah pun jatuh, berderai menjadi serpihan
Tatkala kaca dicampak ke tanah begitu sahaja
Terbuang sudah segala janji
Terhilang sudah segala lafaz
Kaca dibiar sehinanya

Hati ini ibarat di hiris
Jiwa ini ibarat di siat
Jelas sudah segalanya
Nyata sudah hakikatnya

Simpanlah berlian itu dalam hatimu
Moga ianya kan kekal ke akhir hayat
Kaca ini kan terus menjadi kaca
Yang layak digelar sampah
Buat selamanya

------------------------------------

I have never felt this low in my life. Never. Aku ingat hanya A seorang yang telah mampu membuat diriku terhina namun, someone else managed to top that. Congratulations.

Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah,

Ampunkan dosaku. Ampunkan dosa kedua ibu bapaku dan ahli keluargaku. Ampunkan dosa sahabat sahabatku. Ampunkan dosa insan insan yang mengenaliku. Ampunkan dosa dosa insan yang membenciku. Ampunkan dosa insan insan yang telah menganiyaiku. Ampunkan dosa mereka mereka yang mendustaiku.

Diri ini begitu lemah. Diri ini begitu kecil. Ku panjatkan doa, agar kuterus kuat mengharungi hidup. Aku tahu diri ini tak pernah kan lepas daripada dosa. Tak ku layak ke syurgamu, namun tak pula ku ingin ke nerakamu.

Ya Allah,

Tak akan ku simpan rasa benci dalam diri terhadap mereka mereka yang telah mengkhianatiku. Tak akan ku mahu mereka derita. Kau curahlah rahmatmu ke atas diri mereka semua.

Aku hanya mampu tersenyum dalam tangisan tatkala hati ini dihiris senipis nipisnya, jiwa ini di siat sehalus halusnya. Pernah sudah ku rasai keperitannya, namun tak pula aku sangka ku akan rasainya semula. Hebat sungguh petunjukMu. Hebat sungguh kuasaMu. Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah,

Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan
Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan
Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan

Amin ya rabbal alamin

------------------------------------

Kepada insan yang menyayangiku setulus hatimu, maafkan diri ini kerana telah membuat luka dihatimu. Bukan niat menusuk duri. Yang ku perlukan adalah masa. Masa untuk aku berfikir tentang segalanya. Aku menyayangimu seadanya dan sejujurnya. Terima kasih yang tak terhingga. Terima kasih di atas keikhlasanmu. Kaulah semangatku.

Kepada si dia yang terlalu hebat dilanda dugaan, aku panjatkan doa untuk dirimu agar kau mampu mengharungi dugaan itu. Segala yang baik datang dariNya , segala yang buruk adalah dari kita. Terima kasih atas keikhlasanmu yang telah kau nyatakan. Terima kasih atas segala masa yang telah kau korbankan. Terima kasih atas SEGALANYA.

Di sini, ku harapkan agar biar ini menjadi titipan terakhir dariku. Tiada lagi indah. Tiada lagi fantasi. Tiada lagi laraan jiwa . Tiada lagi harapan.

HATI YANG RAPUH

Di hati kulakarkan sebuah impian
Yang aku namakan harapan
Apabila kutentukan arah serta tujuan
Rela kuhadapi cabaran

Jalan ke puncak
itu beronak dan berliku
Menyukarkan pendakianku
Namun tetap kugagahi
Hati yang rapuh ini
Demi hasrat yang suci

Aku sangkakan harapan
Selembut impian
Yang menguliti tidur insan
Kiranya kehidupan tidak sedemikian
Goyah hatiku oleh kenyataan

Tak harus kuturuti kelemahan diri
Tak daya bertahan diuji
Lalu aku mengumpulkan semula kekuatan
Berlandaskan keimanan...

Semoga bertemu lagi di lain lembaran, kiranya takdir mengizinkan.

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

Yang Amat Terluka,

Muhamad Adi Luqman Bin Zakaria
20-08-2008
01:28

Suprises

Surprises.

Some people just love to be surprised and some love to make surprises. My life has been filled with many surprises, pleasant and unpleasant.

I don’t mind surprises. It adds color and excitement to your life. But to be really honest, I don’t really know how to deal with it. Perhaps I can say that I don’t really like surprises. Not that I hate them, but I’m not a big fan of them.

Why?

Simply because I don’t know how to react to them. I’m bad at it. Seriously.

“I’m sorry for the mistake I just done. My reaction was totally unacceptable and I know I was wrong. Forgive me”

I'm no angel, imperfect myself
'Cause baby I am only human

The River of Life

I should not cry just because things are not the way I want it to be.

I should not whine for all the things that have been happening although it bothers me.

I know how it feels when someone that you love lied to you. I know how it feels, after all sacrifices that you have made, the person that you loved betrayed you. I know how hard it is to forget the person that you have cared, loved and trusted.

But..

Things happened for a reason. For that reason, you have to know that no matter how bad your situation is, there will always be another love for you. There are people who will care for you, who will give an unconditional love to you. Be grateful for things that you have been blessed with. Never regret the past, because without the past, you are nothing.

It takes time to heal. It takes time to forget. It takes time to move on.

Life is like a river. We have to go with the flow. At times there are massive floods, huge waterfalls, and raging rapids. Then there are the periods of smooth and peaceful flow. The thing to note is that the flow never stops. It continues until the ocean is reached.

Remember, the river never passes the same point twice, so is life. And is only at that point for the precise moment it is there. It flows immediately to the next point in its journey. It does not normally back track. Those few times it does, it becomes stagnant and brackish. The river does not struggle and strain, it simply flows on until it reaches its destination.

We will encounter obstacles and challenges. Though it will hurt us sometimes, but it won’t last forever. Just remember we will eventually reach the destination. The river will reach the ocean.

Thinking too much may harm you. Take things slowly, one step at a time. Don’t force yourself. Don’t try to run or hide from the problems you have been facing. Face it with grace. There will be a light at the end of every tunnel. It is just the matter how long you want the tunnel to be. It can be as long as the Great Wall of China if you allow it to. It depends on you. It’s your choice. You have to decide for yourself. How you want your life to be. But never push yourself too hard. We have limits. Everyone does.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

If you feel that you are disappointed with the world, please know that those people who loves you, will be twice as disappointed as you are, but not because of the world, but because you are not proving you are stronger than the world. Never let yourself down, because if you do, you will let others down, especially the ones that love you.

Be strong and be wise.

THE ROSE

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to blead

Some say love it
is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid
of dyingthat never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter
snows lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose

Ada Untukmu

Di sana pungguk menanti
Mengharap bulan membalas
Rindu di hati
Di sini aku berdiri
Menunggu penuh dengan kesabaran

Tanpa manis madah
Janji yang puitis
Tuk persembah hanya ketulusan
Sekeping hati suci

Aku....
Berikan kasih
Kalau itu
yang kau mahu dariku

Aku....
Berikan cinta
Untuk membahagiakan
harimu

Aku....
Sayangi dirimu
Biarpun nafas ini sampai
Terhenti...

Akan ku kota janji kita
Mendirikan Taj Mahal cinta
Seteguh kasih Shah Jehan
Kepada Mumtaznya....

Terasa indah
pabila berdua
Semakin tiba saat bahagia
Meraih cinta kita...

Mmm

When I got home last night, my mind was everywhere. I didn’t know what I should do. Obviously my mood was swinging. Everything seemed wrong to me. I didn’t even switch on my computer as I always do because I was feeling sick and extremely tired. I took my bath, and immediately curled up on my bed right after that.

I was having headache and feeling nauseous. I wanted to take some pills to reduce the pain but then, I have swallowed too many panadols for the past week. Never mind. I’m feeling better now.

Erm.

How do you react to something you have actually expected and saw it coming?
You’ll be ready to face it although it will shatter you.

How do you feel when somebody (especially the one that you love) told you that he or she just need to be alone?
Honestly, it makes me feel like my presence is not wanted.

I’ll be lying if I said that I’m not hurt when someone told me that. But, I’m willing TO NOT think about my feelings for a moment because I believe it would just temporary. I wish I have the power to heal but I don’t.

So, I’ll do just like what you wanted. Be alone as long as you need to.

Wait For You

Life is a learning journey.

As I’m becoming older, I know that there will be more responsibilities I have to bear. I know I am strong enough to face everything. It will be just the matter of how am I going to take it. I realized something about me; I’m becoming more sensitive as I’m growing. Maybe itu yang orang semua kata faktor usia.

Part of the reason I think is simply because of my past experience. Life was not really hard on me; it is just that, I went through some low moments in my life. I learned from the mistakes that I have done but sometimes I can’t avoid from doing the same mistakes over and over again. It’s normal isn’t it?

I believe all of us have been in a situation where we will have to choose or decide something that will either make us, or break us. That IS life. Takkan pernah terlepas daripada persoalan yang memerlukan setiap dari kita untuk memilih. Setiap pilihan yang dibuat akan memberi kesan kepada hidup kita.

Choosing is not what I am good at. I have always chosen the wrong thing. Most of the time, I ended up losing the thing that I thought I would have. To make it worst, sometimes I would just lose everything. It makes me feel, that luck is never on my side, especially in love and relationship. But as I’m growing older, I learn to believe in whatever decision that I’m have made and going to make. Believing in myself is the utmost important thing because nobody else will believe in me if I don’t.

I’m taking chances. I’m hoping things would turn out to be better day by day, not only for me but also for the ones that I love. I know that I can’t ask for more than what I have been given and what others can give. I wasn’t taught to be demanding.

I have to be emotionally and mentally strong. I know that is hard of me to do as my strength weakens each and every time my heart is being slowly ripped. But I’m grateful to have met people that actually care for me for who and what I am. I just hope that those people love me truthfully because it would just break me apart of they don’t.

I chose to wait. I will wait for you.I will sacrifice my feelings, if time needs me to. I pray for you to prevail.

“Though I try to resist, being last on your list,
But I’m saving all my love for you..”

I have been tagged

I have been tagged. I’m gonna do it.

1. Story behind your MySpace song?
I don’t have a myspace song.

2. Whats bothering you right now?
Everything.

3. Do you close the door when you pee?
Obviously.

DESCRIBE YOUR:

4. Wallet?
Energie. Bought it like a year ago.

5. Wallpaper on your computer's desktop?
Windows default wallpaper.

6. Background on your cell phone?
Pic from my Perhentian Trip

7. Jewelery worn daily?
I don’t wear any.

8. Where your default picture was taken?
On my bed.

9. Eye color?
Black.

10. Life:
Unexplainable

11. House:
Somewhere in KL.

WHAT ARE YOU?

12. Doing this weekend?
Haven’t decided.

13. Wearing?
My blue t-shirt and khakis.

14.Wanting?
Everything to be better.

15. Where are you?
Office

16. Listening to?
I’m The Lucky One - Anuar Zain

17. Have you ever hugged or kissed anyone lately?
Yes.

18. What do you smell like?
Bulgari Omnia

19. Eating?
I have no appetite.

20. Besides your bed, what is your favorite things?
My Ipod.

21. Do you believe in a soul mate?
Of course.

22.Do you sleep naked?
No.

23. Do you remember your dreams?
Yes. Some of em.

24. Do you believe dreams come true?
Yup. If you believe in it.

25. Do you believe in miracles?
I do.

26. Do you burn easily in the sun?
Yes.

27. Do you speak another language other than English?
Malay.

28. What's something you wish you could understand better?
Myself and my life.

29. What did you do last weekend?
Hang-out with my peeps.

30. Who do you miss?
Few people. B the most.

31. Have you ever been in a car crash?
Yes. Minor ones.

32. Orange or apple juice?
Apple

33. Who were the last people you went somewhere with?
Erm. Do I need to tell?

34. What was the last text message you received?
InsyaAllah from Ain.

35. Last text message you sent?
To Ain.

36. Last time you ate a home grown tomato?
I don’t eat tomato.

37. What is the closest thing to you that is blue?
My t-shirt.

38. What was the last thing you ate?
Rice.

40. Whose house did you go to last night?
No one.

41. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

Darling Ngasri.

42. Do you like someone right now?
Yes.

43. What do you wear more, slacks, jeans, or sweatpants?
Jeans

44. What is the last movie you watched?
Susuk. Great movie.

45. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Seed.

46. Coach or NFL game tickets?
Coach as in the COACH?

47. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
Because I love that person.

48. Do you believe that you can change someone?
It depends.

49. Do you want someone you can't have?
Yes. Everyone does.

50. Do you blame them, when you can't have them?
No. If it’s meant to be.

p/s : Thanks homo:graphy

I'm The Lucky One

I'm The Lucky One

Ku persembahkan satu citaku
Setulus hati hanyalah untukmu
Dan ku lakukan semampu aku
'Tuk menyayangimu
Hingga kau merasa jadi pujaanku

Meski bercinta kadang tak indah
Tapi 'tuk buktikan kau yang terindah
Dan ku pastikan
I'm the lucky one
Nikmati cinta
Lebih dari segalanya

Jiwaku dulu yang tak tersentuh
Kini terasa sejak bersamamu
Berikan hangat hingga ku tak mampu
'Tuk jauh darimu
Kerna kau yang bisa buatku bahagia

Caramu membuatku tak berdaya
Mata hatiku pun ikut terjaga
Kau ubah hidupku ini
Jadi sempurna

This song means so much to me. Tak pernah terlintas lagu ni mampu buat aku menangis.Yes. I am the lucky one. I have been blessed with everything. Everything I have wished for. But…

My life has been taking many funny turns. I never thought it could be this way. I’m crying as I’m writing this. Many hearts have been broken. I don’t want anything to end. Tapi kalau itu jalan terbaik, aku terpaksa terima. Rasa yang ada di hatiku, tak mampu untuk ku dustai. Aku memilih apa yang ia nyatakan.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hanya itu yang ku mampu..

“Sesuatu yang tak disangka,
Seringkali mendatangi kita,
Itukah suratan dalam kehidupan
Atau sekadar, satu kebetulan”

U. B..

Not Okay

I hate doing something stupid. Well, who does right?

It is such a waste of time for me to do something totally stupid and dumb. (again..duh!)

I’m talking about my work. Gosh, why are they so stupid? Can’t they have proper system to track down everything so it would be in order and I don’t have to do all these shit and wasting my energy? I’m fucking annoyed with everyone who is involved. I don’t mind calling up the people but to call them up more than one time, is just plain dumb. I can’t take it no more.

I’m going out later.

I’m NOT in a good mood today. Seriously I am not.

Everything would just not be okay at this moment. (read: EVERYTHING!)

.

I have always wanted to do something huge for myself. Something extraordinary. Something different than anyone else. I just wanna be different and distinctive.

Truthfully speaking, when I was younger, I was seriously an attention seeker. I will purposely create something out of nothing so that the spotlight will be on me. Just me and no one else. I was competitive back than in school. I want people to like me. I want to adore me. I want people to get attracted to me. I lied; I made stories up, just to make people to listen to me so that I can fit in.

I was stupid and naïve. I seriously was.

Mistakes by mistakes I committed, I gain a friend, and I lose 10 of them. All because of my stupidity.

As I grew older, I realized that we can never satisfy everyone. I have to admit, I still want people to like me, but not to the extend of lying, or making something up anymore. I am not the stupid boy I used to be. Now, I prefer to keep out of anyone else’s business and mind my own. I don’t want to simply interfere in others affairs and be a hero to solve the problems or such that. No, I’m not going to do any of that.

Right now, I prefer to just be quiet, and speak whenever I am needed to. I’m teaching myself to do things adequately, rather than aiming for perfection because nothing is perfect in this world and no matter how hard you try, nothing will be. People that I have now in my life as my friends are perhaps the best I have ever had. They brought tears and joy. They colored me well. They helped me to be a better person in ways they have never realized. I know that they will not stay forever in my life but their presence will be remembered.

Being the only child in the family for almost 16 years taught me a lot of things. I wish that I have few more siblings so that the expectations on me won’t be so high, but I guess that would be just a wish. People might think that, being the only child, I would get anything that I want and my parents would give me the fullest attention, but unfortunately, that is just merely a tale. I’m not saying I was not treated well. In fact, I love my life and I am grateful to have such wonderful parents. But as a normal human being, deep inside my heart, there are things I wish I could have and change about my life, but it’s too personal for me to write it here.

Loving is what I have taught myself to do; Forgiving is the ultimate thing I have always told myself to practice, and Learning is what I am going to keep on doing till the last day of my life.

I may not live long in this world to see every single person in my life achieve their dreams, but as long as I live, I want to see myself achieve the dreams I have been dreaming and will help my loved ones to achieve theirs.

Will I ever be the person I have always wanted to be?

I wanna be remembered for the deeds that I have done.
I wanna be remembered for my legacy.

Maybe I’m wishing too hard.

To you my dear, if you are reading this, trust me, this is just another phase in your life. You are hurt and you are down on the ground. I promise, I will try my very best to help you to stand up on your feet back again and be the person you are used to be. But promise me, you will never give up and never look back.

“Barang yang lepas, janganlah dikenang,
Kalau dikenang, meracunlah diri”

To you my friend, if you ever read this, you seem to not care about the past. I adore you for being strong but remember what goes around comes around. You are young, and the road is still long for you. But I will respect you for who you are.

FFM21

It’s awards time once again!

This year, Festival Filem Malaysia or better known as FFM will enter its 21st year and the awards ceremony will be held in Putrajaya on 9th august 2008. 103 films were qualified to compete in FFM21.

I’m not really into local film industry but I do support local filmmakers who have been making good and intelligent movies (read: intelligent!). This particular award is not as prestigious as the Oscars or even Golden Globe but kira bolehlah!

The final nominations have been announced and to be honest, I’m kind of bored with the nominees. But well, our industry is so small, so that’s why banyak nama yang sama sahaja tercalon tiap tiap tahun.

Here is the list of nominees:

ANUGERAH PERDANA

Pengarah Filem Terbaik:
1. Hatta Azad Khan – Wayang (tak tengok lagi)
2. Shuhaimi Baba - 1957 Hati Malaya (tolonglah jangan dia menang!)
3. Ahmad Idham – Congkak (what the eff?)
4. Mamat Khalid – KMBM (nak dia menang)
5. Osman Ali - Anak Halal (ada can menang)

Pelakon Lelaki Terbaik:
1. Afdlin Shauki – Sepi (ada can menang)
2. Adlin Aman Ramlie – Susuk (nak dia menang)
3. Rosyam Nor – KMBM (bukan dah bosan ke?)
4. Eman Manan – Wayang (tak tengok lagi)
5. Farid Kamil - Anak Halal (takpe, lain tahun!)

Pelakon Wanita Terbaik:
1. Maya Karin - Anak Halal (nak dia menang)
2. Erra Fazira – Anak (tolonglah jangan dia menang!)
3. Fazura – Kayangan (tak tengok lagi)
4. Nasha Aziz – Otai (tak tengok jugak)
5. Vanidah Imran – Akhirat (citer ape ni?)

Lakon Layar Terbaik:
1. Wayang - Hatta Azad Khan (tak tengok lagi)
2. KMBM - Mamat Khalid (ada can menang)
3. Sepi - Ara & Mira Mustaffa (nak dia menang)
4. Anak Halal - Osman Ali (ada can menang)
5. Cuci - Hans Isaac (takpelah, lain tahun eh?)

Cerita Asal Terbaik:
1. Wayang - Hatta Azad Khan (tak tengok lah!)
2. KMBM - Mamat Khalid (nak dia menang)
3. Sepi - Ara & Mira Mustaffa (ada can menang)
4. Anak Halal - Osman Ali (ada can menang)
5. Pensil - M.Subash (pun ada can menang)

Sinematografi Terbaik:
1. Evolusi KL Drift - Raja Mukhriz Raja Ahmad Kamarudin (tamo, tamo!)
2. Sepi - Mohd Nor Kassim (cantik sangat..nak dia menang!)
3. Susuk - Daven Raghaven (ada can menang)
4. Kayangan - Raja Mukhriz (cantik ke?)
5. Anak Halal - Khalid Zakaria (takpelah, biase je)

Penyunting Terbaik:
1. 1957 Hati Malaya - Nik Haslinda Nik Hussain / Kamarudin Abu
2. Wayang - Hafiz Kamaruzaman
3. Congkak - Ahmad Mustadha
4. KMBM - Raja Affandi Raja Jamaludin
5. Sepi - Johan Bahar

Skor Muzik Asal Terbaik:
1. Wayang - Hafiz Askiak
2. KMBM - Ahmad Badaruddin
3. Susuk - Hardesh Singh
4. Anak Halal - Nurzaidi Abdul Rahman
5. 1957 Hati Malaya - Sharon Paul

Filem Animasi Terbaik:
1. Family Portrait - The One Academy
2. Upin & Ipin - Les! Copaque Prod.Sdn Bhd
3. World War - University of Hertfordshire
4. Nene Breshke - Wan Muhammad Tamlikha
5. Apocalypse - The One Academy

Filem Dokumentari Terbaik:
1. Making The Cut - Reel Network Sdn Bhd
2. The Woodsmiths - Reel Network Sdn Bhd
3. The Perak Man - Eurofine / FINAS
4. Kami Yang Disyaki - UiTM
5. Restoring Merdeka - Leong Hon Yuen

Filem Pendek Terbaik:
1. Hasrat - Martias Entertainment
2. Tiffin - Chor Ai Lene
3. Eyefinger - Marge Bong
4. Burp - ASWARA
5. Kopitiam Kurang Manis – UiTM

Filem Digital Terbaik:
1. Yantra
2. Malaysia's Sweet Heart
3. Wirasiswi
4. Ganavin / Vanthaanda Herd
5. Jarum Halus

Filem Terbaik
(Akan dimaklumkan pada malam anugerah)

ANUGERAH CIPTA

Pelakon Pembantu Lelaki Terbaik:
1. Zul Huzaimy - Wayang
2. Farid Kamil - KMBM
3. Adlin Aman Ramlie - 1957 Hati Malaya
4. Eizlan Yusof - Impak Maksima
5. Fauzi Nawawi - Anak Halal

Pelakon Pembantu Wanita Terbaik:
1. Nabila Huda - Akhirat
2. Nanu Baharuddin - 1957 Hati Malaya
3. Azizah Mahzan - Anak
4. Ruminah Sidek - Pensil
5. Dynaz – Kayangan

Penataan Seni Terbaik:
1. 1957 Hati Malaya - Aida Fitri Buyong / Kamarul Nizam Abd Rahman
2. KMBM - Nazrul Ashraff
3. Susuk - Kek Ting Lam
4. Johnny Bikin Filem - Dr. Anuar Nor Arai
5. Anak Halal - Irwanmazwan Ibrahim

Penataan Bunyi Terbaik:
1. Congkak - Brian Ng
2. KMBM - Azman Abu Hassan
3. Susuk - Add Audio
4. Evolusi KL Drift - Daud Sulaiman
5. Anak Halal - Azman Abu Hassan

Pelakon Kanak-Kanak Terbaik:
1. Erynne Erynna - Congkak
2. Amrul Hisham - Anak
3. Mohd Asrah Akis - Wayang
4. Mohd Asrah Afif - Wayang
5. Erin Malek – Congkak

Pengarah Harapan Terbaik:
1. Hans Isaac - Cuci
2. M.Subash - Pensil
3. Mohd Latif Zami - Dunia Baru The Movie
4. Syamsul Yusof - Evolusi KL Drift
5. Barney Lee – Anak

Pelakon Harapan Lelaki:
1. M.Subash - Pensil
2. Moh. Kamarulzaman Taib - 1957 Hati Malaya
3. Wan Kenari Ibrahim - Wayang
4. Zaefaul Nadzarine Nordin - 1957 Hati Malaya
5. Syamsul Yusof - Evolusi KL Drift

Pelakon Harapan Wanita:
1. Julia Ziegler - Kayangan
2. Lisa Surihani - I'm Not Single
3. Mas Muharni - Wayang
4. Avaa Vanja - KMBM
5. Diana Rafar – Susuk (nak dia menang!)

Pereka Kostum / Busana:
1. 1957 Hati Malaya - Dee Hasnan / Ezrah Rahim
2. Johnny Bikin Filem - Ayu Haswida
3. Susuk - Mohd Zaini Abdul Rahman
4. Anak Halal - Mohamad Zaini Abdul Rahman
5. KMBM - Nasirah Ramlan

Poster Terbaik:
1. Cuci
2. Susuk
3. Anak Halal
4. Evolusi KL Drift
5. Pensil

Lagu Tema Asal Terbaik:
(Akan dimaklumkan pada malam anugerah)

ANUGERAH KHAS JURI
(5 Anugerah dari tersebut atau yang sesuai mengikut tema festival)

Kenapa tak umum calon filem terbaik? Apa apa tah! Kalau Oscars awal awal lagi dah umum! Motif? Hehu!

Good luck to all the nominees may the best man wins!

Anyway, today I’m planning to do something with my hair. I’m going to either trim it or cut it off. But, I don’t want my hair to be short, I like it long but when it’s long, it will be messy and I have to iron it everyday in order to make it look slightly better (read: slightly). Ironing your hair can cause damage. Sad huh?

Why do I like my hair to be long? So that I can cover my forehead. I just hope I’m not experiencing “receding hairlines disease”. No, not now!

Wiken

I’m still sick. My throat is so dry (the only term that I know), it changes my voice. My voice becomes deeper, and lower. HA HA HA (evil laugh).

I’m having flu too. This is the most annoying part (read: most annoying). I couldn’t stand it. I went to the pharmacy the other day, and bought myself the ubat. Still taking it and hopefully the ubat is working or else I have to drive all the way to Setapak Jaya (my so called family doctor since the day I was born) to get the medicine.

Okay, enough about my sickness. It’s not gonna end and I don’t like to whine although that is exactly what I am doing right now. Okay, full stop.

I have seen 3 movies for the past one week. Yes, three and that’s a record for me. Thanks to my friends (grammar anyone?).

Susuk
A very good Malay thriller. I love the movie so very much and I don’t mind watching it again if anyone else wants to ajak me to watch the movie. (read: ajak me to watch the movie – read between the lines). Hehu. Just kidding. Yes, if anyone interested to watch the movie, and wants me to accompany them (yes, I’ll pay if you don’t want to belanja me), I don’t mind watching it again (no, I’m not paid to promote the movie). The movie is not a typical local thriller. It’s so brilliantly done, with good acting by fabulous cast. Ida was fantastic, Diana was surprisingly good, Sofia was sexually seductive, and Adlin was awesome (part of it because his voice was digitally enhanced). It’s not your normal “ahhhh I’m scared” movie. In fact, it is not a horror movie. Don’t expect Jangan Pandang Belakang thingie in this movie. Even though Jangan Pandang Belakang was good, but I believe Susuk is far better than JPB, in terms of, hmm…everything I guess. The storyline is good, the plot is strong, the art direction is superb (again, I’m NOT paid to cakap-cakap baik about the movie). This is by far the best Malay movie I have seen this year (so Sepi dah jadi no 2..hehu). I’m Not Single? No, I don’t think I’m gonna watch it. So, my advice, go and watch this movie. It is worth your money. You get pening somehow, but that’s the best part of the movie.

Note: Susuk opens on 7th august 2008

The Dark Knight
Okay, now I can use the line, “it’s merely just hype with no substance”. Haha, no, that’s exaggerating. No doubt that the movie is excellent, but I somehow I feel that something is missing somewhere. Macam takde the real WOW factor in the movie. The movie is good because of the Joker. Heath Ledger brought the character alive and he was amazing. For me the movie is just like other Hollywood action movies. Boom here, blast there, you know that kind of thing. I won’t watch the movie for the second time. Period.

Sex and the City
Ah, to be honest, I have never seen the series on TV so I don’t really know the characters. The movie was funny, but that was it. It was as cliché as it can be. It’s a typical feel good movie. I have something to say actually, Sarah Jessica Parker (SJP) looked so old and hideous. I despise most of her outfit in the movie. Mekap SJP tebal macam lahanat. Like OMG! Cyntia Nixon was like OMG! Uglynye! The things that I like were Charlotte’s black dress (she wore during Carrie’s wedding – the tak jadi one), the royal blue Manolo’s heels, and..urm….tu je kot. The rest macam plain boring.

Okay, now tukar topic.

My gaji just masuk last Saturday. Thank god! I gave my mom like almost half of my gaji because I bought my baju melayu cloth dengan guna duit dia dulu, and I bought her cloth too, and my hutang for LRT ticket. Ya, ya, ya..I owed my mom money, so what? Hehu.

So on Saturday, I went to Tesco Ampang and shopped a little. Bought some biscuits and other stuffs. Habis dlm RM 65 gak. Then yesterday, I went to Ikea, and bought curtain rod for my room and accessories die. Habis dalam 50 bucks lagi. Adoi pening, duit keluar macam air. Hehu. Salah sendiri kan? Okay. Enough! I won’t spend on unnecessary things anymore.

I dah pening.. ahh tidak!

Uncertainty

How do I describe the feeling?

Uncertainty.

Never had I expected it coming. I was so content living in my own fantasy world without realizing it, although I tried to keep it as real as it can be. I was flying in the air of my own imagination until the day when the arrow of hatred pierced through my heart. The day when I woke up, fell down, and hurt again.

Something so sudden, but yet anticipated. Yes. I was so eager. Eager to have the love I have been hoping for. Eager to swim in the ocean of happiness. Eager to climb the mountain of joy. But have I ever considered that I might be entering my own fantasy world once again?

No.

This complication of mind and heart is making me suffer. I don’t want to know what the ending of the tale is and how it would be. Yes, nobody wants to be hurt. I don’t want to be hurt, again.

River of tears is flowing down. It’s unstoppable.

Ku yakin ini kisah ku nanti,
Namun ku terima kira ia musnah,
Kerna hati ini tak terbagi,
Jauh sekali ia terbelah

Tidak lagiku kuperlu waktu
Tapi kamu, itu ku tahu,
Akhir jelas dalam hatimu,
Di sini aku sedia menunggu.

Kasih ini tak mudah kuberi,
Mungkin suka kerap kubagi,
Namun sayang tidak kucari,
Kerna ia kan datang sendiri.

Aku lelah mengejar bayang,
Pasti ku akan terdampar jatuh,
Kiranya rasa itu hilang,
Akan ku buang kenangan, jauh jauh.

Hug me if you need to
Kiss me if you want to,

Love me if you do,
but love me with your heart…