I Need A Miracle

I’m not sure what I am feeling. As usual, I’m confused. Seriously I am.

I think I am the most confused human being in the whole wide world. I’m not ashamed for being who I am right now. It’s something that I can’t avoid. It’s my inner feeling and it has always been there for years. Not that I am happy with it, but I can’t do much about it. Maybe some people might say that I can get rid of it but they might not feel all the things that I am feeling. So, they don’t really know how the feelings are. If they were to be in my shoes, can they handle it? I doubt so.

There’re no words could describe my true feelings at the moment. After such a long time I have been flying under the radar, taking some time off the world, I felt so different. It was like I just committed a huge sin. But I didn’t do anything bad at all. Maybe small tiny little lies that I said just for the sake of not creating any problems. But I believe, lies are still lies. They are still wrong in every way. There’s not such thing as white lie, kan?

I’m not judging anyone. I don’t want to judge anyone. I want to be equal to everyone that I know. Whether they are normal or not, they deserve to be treated equally. But, here’s the thing, am I making the right decision to be involve with them? Ada ke yes or no answer for my question? I don’t know. It all comes back to my first statement. I don’t judge people. Who am I to judge them?

But sometimes I feel that I don’t fit in their world. It’s too much of a fantasy to me. So unreal, so fake and so full of hypocrites. Well, in any world, there are still hypocrites everywhere. Do they really know what they are doing? What world they are living in? Is it going to be forever? Is they are going to be happy doing the things that they have been doing?

I need to ask myself too. Is it worth a lifetime? God gave us only one chance to live. Only one.

My mind is spinning. I want to be the person that I wish I could be but I still have people that I love. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Their feelings are important. It would haunt me sometimes. But, sigh..I’m so confused.

Which I’d rather do?

Hurting their feelings so that I could have what I want to have? OR
Hurting my feelings so that they could be happy?

But either way, it will still be the same.

Do I need to live in suffer for the rest of my life?

Sometimes I wish I’m not here, in this world. Sometimes I wish I don’t have to be this deep and emotional. Sometimes I wish I could just be free.

So many things are stopping me to break free.

I’m still in this room. In this white empty room. Doors are everywhere. But which should I choose? I’m stuck in this room. I need a miracle.

Miracle.