The Wrong Way

I don’t know why I’m feeling so miserable. I don’t like what I’m feeling and I feel like smacking or punching something.

I’m a kind of person yang tak suka melayan ego I. I akan kawal ego I sebaik mana I mampu sebab I don’t like my keegoan to control me. Sebab kalau ego tu terlalu tinggi dalam diri seseorang, terutamanya lelaki, it will ruin yourself.

You would always think that you won’t commit anything wrong, and you’ll be selfish, you’ll be arrogant and full of pride and you’d never admit that you are wrong. I don’t want to be any of that. I’m not saying I am a good person, or I’m perfect (coz nobody is) but I just don’t wanna be seen as someone yang ada semua tu sebab I benci mereka-meraka yang ada semua tu.

How would you react if you rasa diri you telah somehow diperbodohkan? Especially oleh orang yang you rasa you’re comfortable with. Someone that you trust. How’d you feel? Imagine that. You ikhlas untuk mengenali, mendekati dan mempercayai, tapi ended up you tahu yang you macam dipermainkan.

That is when ego I telah diusik. Dan I paling tak suka bila orang mengusik ego I. Provoke it. Because I tak suka my feeling at that time dan I tak suka dengan the situation. It makes me feel stupid, low and desperate.

I have few principles in life, dan one of it is, I don’t mind if you want to lie to me, or want to hide anything from me. I wouldn’t mind at all. It’s up to you to do that. You can do as many times as you like. You nak tipu pasal benda kecil ke, atau besar ke, apa ke, terpulang. BUT, jangan sampai SEKALI KALI I dapat tahu the truth, because ONCE I know the real thing, the real truth, and I tahu yang you were hiding or lying it to me all this while,(lebih lebih lagi kalau my trust dekat you dah kuat, dan I mula untuk berasa selasa dengan you) memang dalam sekelip mata la perasaan I boleh berubah.

I’m over reacting. YES! I’m entitled to. Because, I ikhlas melakukan sesuatu. Susah sangat ke untuk jujur dengan I? All the good things yang I dah buat, tak sikit pun I mintak balasan, CUMA I nak kejujuran. That’s all. You don’t have to tell me EVERYTHING, but please don’t act like you know nothing.

Sudahlah I have put up with all the act and I sendiri terpaksa mengawal keadaan, sampai terpaksa untuk menjadi pretender hanya semata-mata tidak mahu sebarang masalah timbul, ini yang I dapat? Rasa diperbodohkan. Ish. Only god knows how I’m feeling. I feel so dumb.

Why? Am I not good enough for you? Or am I being too good to you? Me being good, scares the hell out of you?

I have never once tried to ruin what you have, because I know I am not that kind of person. Mungkin pernah terlintas dalam fikiran I untuk just jadi super bitch, but I tahu mana tempat I dan I don’t want to lose anyone anymore. Cukup lah I pernah kehilangan someone yang I sayang, I don’t want the same thing to happen again.

Sigh, dah tawar hati untuk percaya kat siapa siapa lagi. Penat dah get involve dalam semua ini. Saying goodbye is the last thing I would do, but if my heart is constantly being hurt, being ripped off by the people that I love and care, I don’t know if I’d have any other choice or not.

I’m not asking much, but please, don’t ever do this kind of thing to me again. Keeping the truth as a secret so that others could be happy is hard enough for me. I’m tired playing these games. I feel unappreciated, as a person, as a friend.

I’m so sleepy. And so frustrated, so disappointed.

You’re slowly coming out of you shell. Wish I could just throw you back to the sea but I can’t. I’ve known you for some time and I have always waited for you to show me your true self. You did, but in a wrong way. Just, the wrong way.