I'm Dying!

I feel like quitting.

I don't know. I just feel like it.

Should I follow what I'm feeling right now?
or should I just continue on doing this?

*Deleted*

Sigh. What am I becoming? A hopeless, helpless, whatsover-less person?

In an exact 12 minutes time, a friend of mine will be celebrating his birthday. I will not be able to wish him personally because of certain reasons but I'm going to do it over here.

I'm pretty sure he won't read my blog anymore (duh!) but I just want to wish him A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY and hopefully he is in a wonderful situation/condition with his loved ones. May god bless him always. (If you still do read my blog, thank you very much)

Back to my frustration about what I am becoming right now.

1. I'm freaking lonely (yes,even people in Mars knows that)
2. *deleted*
3. I should not have said those bad words I said earlier on. See what I've become?
4. I keep on writing craps about my crappy life that making me even crappier person.

People are not paying attention to me anymore. Nobody does! (except for my parents but they are just soooo different! and they don't really pay THAT much attention anyways) . People are so abandoning me. Gosh! How should I manage myself? I'm drowning in my own messed up world. I need a lifeguard. I need a hero. I've lost my power so I need another hero to save me. I am falling, drowning (wait, I can't be in both situation at the same time but what the heck!)

Save me! Save me!
I'm dying.

You Made Me Realize

I just read something on one of my sites on the net. What I have read made me realize I am actually nothing. I am not as something as I thought I would be to somebody else. Though all this while I have felt that way, but only now I truly understand my situation. Where I stand.

I'm officially gonna let everything go. I'm meaningless to everyone else. I guess I shouldn't even bother to be so all sensitive about others ever again. I know by doing this, it's gonna hurt me even more because I can't just change my nature of taking care and loving others but I guess this is what I should do.

I don't know what else I can do to find my own happiness. I'm not going to rely on anyone else. Well, that's what I have been doing all this time. God knows how bad I want somebody to be in my life and share everything with , together, but I believe that's not going to happen.

Semua orang yang aku sayang eventually will leave me and I'm talking about people yang tak ade blood connection with me. It's either because of my doings or just their plain mistakes. I just have to accept it as what it is.

My life is empty. My life boring. My life is stressful. My life is meaningless. And I'm lonely.

Could it be any worse?

You have made me realize, my friend. I thank you for that.


p/s : the picture? read between the lines.

Ketulusan Hati

I'm currently having some ideas to write a story. Dapat idea tentang cerita ni when I was listening to Anuar Zain's new song, Ketulusan Hati from his latest album. The song is good.

The story is going to be about love. It's somehow gonna be a sad/tragic love story. Sounds typical huh? I don't know but I kinda like the storyline (duh! it's MY story). It's about 4 people. The description of the story is gonna be like this, " 4 hati, 3 cinta. 2 jiwa yang setia, 1 kisah yang lara".But I don't know how to end the story. I don't want it to be so cliche. Boring nanti.

Putting aside my latest crap at the moment. Well, I'm starting to have doubts about what I am doing for life now. It is not easy. They said of course it ain't easy. Every job is tough in its own way. There is no exception for mine. I don't know what to think. I'm not strong enough to do this. I thought I could but I guess I was wrong.

I don't have a strong character. I've always been the person who will want to somehow, please everyone? No. That's not the right way of describing my characteristic. I just do not want to hurt anyone. But I've always ended up hurting myself and sometimes the others without my intention. To do this kind of job needs a lot of hard work. I mean seriously a lot. I'm not talking about the research things. I'm not talking about the staying until late at nite to get information. I am talking about pushing myself to be someone that I am not comfortable with.

I cried again yesterday. The day before yesterday too.

Ntahlah. I'm just weak. Very weak at the moment. Rasa macam I'm lost. Lost in my own messed up, confusing and lonely world.

Hmm.

Ketulusan Hati

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa

Cintaku hanya indah
Hanya bahagia
Untuk selamanya

Apa yang kurasakan ini
Persembahan untuk dirimu
Kau dengarkan kasihku

Mencintaimu tak mengenal waktu
Tak mengenal puitis
Hanya tulusnya hati
Mencintaimu tak mengenal ragu
Keyakinan hatiku
Hanya untuk dirimu
Selalu

Cintaku tak berdusta
Tak mengenal ingkar
Tak kenal nestapa

Tak ada seribu janji
Hanya bahagia untuk selamanya

Ramadhan Datang Lagi

Ramadhan datang lagi. This time around, I don't know how to actually cope with it. This is going to be my first time ever, fasting while working. My working hours have been changed. I'm gonna start working at 10 am and will be finishing at 6 pm from Sunday to Thursday. I just can't imagine how the crowd is gonna be. Goodness.

Hmm.It has been a year. I don't know how to actually explain my feelings. Thinking about what happened last year, makes me really sad. Lots of memories. Too many. Too much.

They are still fresh on my mind.Sigh.How can I get rid of all the memories?
I never thought things would be this way. I never thought things would ended this way. Only god knows how bad I want it to change.

If I could have controlled myself better, I guess things would be different. But, maybe it is meant to be this way.

"Ku mengharap kan Ramadhan kali ini penuh makna,
Agar dapat ku lalui dengan sempurna,
Selangkah demi selangkah,
Setahun sudah pun berlalu,
Masa yang pantas berlalu,
Hingga tak terasa ku berada,
Di bulan Ramadhan semula"

I hope I could pull through. With or without anyone. This is the path I have chosen. This is what I have to face. No matter how weak I am, I have to deal with it. :(

I miss you my friend. I hope you are okay over there. Happy Ramadhan to you. May god bless you always.

To all my readers, Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan Al Mubarak. Selamat berpuasa. Semoga segala amalan di bulan ini diterima olehNYA.

End

Aku

Hati ini masih diselimuti sepi
Makin hari makin ku merasai
Tak daya untukku menanggung sedih
Walau ku cuba melupakan
Namun hati tak bisa merelakan

Entah mengapa semua kembali
Setelah diriku sedih berlalu
Seakan memori mencengkam jiwa
Mengizin diri terus berduka

Aku sunyi dan aku sendiri
Tiada tempat untuk ku tangisi
Mengapa diriku begini
Tiada sinar ku jumpa biarpun kucuba
Aku merindui dia
Sangat aku rindukan dia
Hancur hatiku mengenang peristiwa
Saat aku terpaksa merela
Bila jiwaku tak mampu menahan
Segala perbuatan yang dilakukan

Dia dan kamu ada di hatiku
Ku cuba melepaskan semua
Puas ku lakukan
Namun ku tetap gagal
Aku tak tahu berapa lama
Aku tak tahu sampai bila
Aku dapat menahan semua ini

Ku kuatkan diri
Ku tabahkan hati
Mereka berkata lupakan saja
Mereka berkata jangan difikirkan lagi
Tapi bukankah mereka tahu?
Soal ini soal hati?
Mudahkah untuk mereka jika mereka merasakan apa yang aku rasai?

Ku lewati jalan jalan dulu
Yang aku tinggalkan kian hilang
Ku lewati hari hari yang lalu
Tak mampu untuk ku menghalang
Airmata ini jatuh ke pipi
Di mana harus ku cari ketenangan?
Di mana harus ku simpankan kenangan?

Kini semua telah berubah
Sekelip mata aku hilang segala
Inikah hidupku yang harus kutempuh
Ku tak tahu bagaimana
Ku bayangkan kesusahan mereka yang lebih derita dariku
Namun tak bisa untuk memujuk
Hatiku yang kecewa kerana ini lah deritaku

Ku simpulkan senyum
ku hilaikan tawa
Biar mereka rasa aku gembira
Biar mereka rasa aku bahagia
Tapi aku saja yang tahu
Mana gembira yang aku mahu
Mana bahagia yang aku ada

Aku memberi sayangku
Pada diri yang bukan untukku
Aku cuba membenci
Tapi kian ku mengingati
Hanya tuhan yang tahu
Betapa hati ini sangat mendambakan
Segala yang indah menjadi kenyataan
Hanya tuhan saja yang tahu
Betapa aku sayangkan dia
dan aku juga sayangi kamu

Kembalikan senyumku yang benar diriku
Kembalilah bahagiaku yang benar milikku
Aku perlu kamu..

Lelaki Ini

Kasih
Kenanganku
Ingatkah saat-saat dulu

Kasih
Apakah dirimu
Merasakan semua itu

Ke mana pun langkahku pergi
Ku masih melihat bayanganmu cintaku
Dan kemana pun arah anginku berlari
Hati ini masih kau miliki

Lelaki ini yang selalu mencintamu
Selalu, tanpa ragu
Lelaki ini yang selalu memuja
Hanya dirimu
Yang bertakhta dalam sanubariku
Sanubari ku

Aku yang mencintakan mu
Hanya dirimu…

Karena cintaku, tak berbatas waktu
Karena cintaku, tak mengenal jenuh hatimu
Hatimu…

Anuar Zain
2007

Cry

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,

Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

Save Me

10.15 am
I woke up. A lil bit later than usual. Took my bath, ironed my shirt and got ready.

10.30 am
Ate my breakfast. Sausages and eggs. It was okay. Thanx mom..

10.50 am
Off to the office.

11.00 am
Got in the train. Something was not right with my Ipod so didn't get to listen to it. Damn!

11.20 am
Arrived at the office. Printed out my research. Started pitching and bitching.

5.00 pm
Went for lunch. Pack some food and ate in the office. Nasi ayam and some kueh.

6.00 pm
Started pitching and bitching again.

8.30 pm
Walked out from the office and went straight home. Home sweet home.


Hmm. Thats roughly my daily routine. Boring isn't it? Kinda. Pretty much the same except for Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Because Thursday is like my Friday and you know the rest.

I don't know how long I can enjoy all these. But I am still enjoying it. Can't wait for my first pay. It's not gonna be much though because I didn't get to bring any deals so far. But it's better than nothing. Enough for me to survive for another month.

My life is empty. That the only thing I could say at this time. I might look extremely happy but the truth is, I'm not. This job is not my passion. But it is the experience that I need. To actually built up more my confidence level by to feel comfortable talking with total strangers. I'm starting to fit in. Starting to have better pitches. Starting to take control of the calls that I made.

The work is pretty okay actually. The environment is quite pleasant. But of course, the tension is always there. I'm getting used to it.

But like I said, I don't know how long I can't stand doing things that I do right now. I don't have anybody to give me strength (put aside my parents please, there are different). Sometimes, I took time off from my work, went outside of the office, to an open staircase, and enjoy the view of the city at night. Sometimes I cried. Just because, I am not happy with my life.Pathetic.

Thinking about everything that I have been through made me even sadder. How? What should I do? I'm comforting myself right now. That's the only thing that I could do. But for how long? Entahlah.

People say it is easy to live alone. No, it's not, when you are thirsty for love. Dying to be loved. And to be cared. Sounds desperate? Maybe. But no.

My friend is in trouble right now. He is sad and having a very rough time in his life. I only want the best for him. Will do anything to make him feel better. Hopefully, he will.

You can count on me.

Have to sleep now. Another day is waiting for me.Goodnite.


p/s : Somebody save me...

I miss you.Love..

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind,
It'll fool ya every time

Yes.Love is beautiful.It's addictive but comes unexpectedly.Everyone wants to be in love.Everyone wants to feel love.To love and being loved.The joy of love is unexplainable.Only those who knows love,can appreciate love.

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

And yes.Love hurts.Love makes you blind.You can be a huge mess because of it.You will say that life is unfair,because of it.Because you are hurt by it it.By being in love.That's when you'll say, you never be in love again.You'll never want to trust love again.

You can stop yourself from finding love.But you can't stop love from finding you.You can lie to the world that you don't feel love.But you can never lie to yourself.

Now I was once a fool, it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

When you are hurt remember that it's not the end of the world. Cry as much as you want. Cry you heart out to let everything go.Don't cry for the one that hurt you, but cry just for yourself.Life goes on. Be strong and move on.It's gonna be hard.Seriously hard but, yes, you can and you will but be wise.

There will be love for you.When you feel like you're in the dark, trust me, there is light at the end of the road.But it's up to you, how long your "road of darkness" is gonna be. You may not know, there might be another love that you just don't see.Open your eyes.


I need you.
I miss you.
I want you.
I long for you.

Love...