20SevenEleven: Down Memory Lane

Strolling down the pathways of my life, it reminds me of all the memories I have left and will be leaving. I’m a grown up now. I have been through many obstacles in life, suffered and survived. But those obstacles are just little introductions of the major ones to come and to be faced by no other person than me.

Strolling back down the pathways I have taken, I have never realized until this very moment, how different I have been. I am not the old person I used to be. Many things I said I would never do, I have done. People that I swore I would never hurt, I have already hurt. I know that change is something I can never avoid. Without realizing it, I am changing.

I don’t know what future lies for me. Nobody does except for Allah the Almighty. Only he knows what he has already planned and decided for me. All I know, I have not been that devoted to him. My mistakes.

As I stroll back down the memory lane of my life, how happy I am to know that I have met many people whose spirit and life have given tremendous influence to me. How happy I am to know that I am still having few of them in my life, to share the joy and happiness, to have shoulders to cry on and to enjoy every single day in peace and harmony.

Life takes funny turns at time
In just merely 4 days, 2007 will be over, for good. Another year will pass by me. A year filled with sadness, joy, love, betrayal, lies, mistakes and emptiness. My life took so many funny turns. Funny turns that weren’t even funny anymore. I once said, life is so cruel just because I was in a very stressful situation. I was devastated, frustrated and I shall say, dumb.
But the truth is, life is not being cruel to me, or to anyone else. Life is just, unpredictable. “The future none can see and the road we leave behind, ahead lies mystery”.

Life is a learning process. You grow older, you’d become wiser. That’s what I believe in. And yes, I believe I am wiser than before. I am wiser today than yesterday. Sounds pathetic but I do believe in it.

Whatever significant events or thing that has happened to me for the last one year, they shall remain in my heart as memories that I will never forget. I still miss the one that I have lost. The waves of the anger and frustrations have swiped away the love that I have kept inside but the tracks are still fresh as ever.

I’m crying as I’m moving on. I’m crying as I’m thinking of all the things I should have and should not have done. I’m crying as I’m thinking of all the bad things that I have committed. I’m crying as I’m thinking about all the hearts that I have hurt. How terrible I was as a person. God, forgive me.

No fear I have in me, for what’s coming in the future. No fear I have in me, though I know I’m growing older. There no options given. It is a fact, proven. I just hope I could get through the sunny days and the rainy days, without being burned or drenched in water.

I wish I could be better.
I wish my life would be better.
I wish to have more friends.
I wish to be happy.
I wish I could share the happiness.
I wish, and still wish, and will be wishing.

Someone is leaving me. I don’t know how to cope with it, but I’ll be as strong as I can.

God, please give me strength so I can prevail.
Let me climb the stairs of love to have a glimpse of your heaven. Let me climb the stairs of love to feel the sincerity of others. Let me climb the stairs of love to be what I want to be. Let me, and please…let me.

Amin.