Confessions Of A Lonely Heart (And It's Breaking)

These few days were like hell to me. I was so down and sometimes I just couldn't think straight. I can't believe I will be put in the same situation once again in less than 5 months. Something that I have never expected. I kept on telling myself before this, "expect the unexpected, because if you expect the expected, the unexpected will hurt you".But I'm doing the opposite thing. I don't know whether I'm hurting right now or what, but I do know that I'm having this kind of uncomfortable feelings which couldn't be described in just one word. All this while, I have been lying to myself and to others. I know I was having that kind feelings but I was too scared to let it all out because of certain unavoidable reasons. I felt guilty, that's why. I was supposed to stop this whole thing from the very beginning, but I was too lonely to do that. Part of me wanted to have it all by myself so others can never take it away from me, but part of me will never allow myself to do that because I care about others' feelings. I was trapped in my own world. I don't think I was fooled by anybody, though my close peeps said that I was. But, it is just not me to think bad about others, especially to those people whom trusted and I care greatly, and no, I'm not saying that I'm a good guy, hell I'm not.. If they did fool me, I will ask god to never let me know about it, because I know, it will break my heart into million of pieces. The minute when I read the thing, I was totally in shocked! I was stunned and my mind went blank. I didn't know what to think. At that very moment, I realised that all this while I did have that kind of feelings and it was too late for me to do anything. I was not 100% mad at that thing. I was mad at myelf for having that kind of thing inside. I kept on telling myself before this, make it ordinary, make it casual, make it simple...don't feel anything etc. But I was not doing the thing that I was supposed to be doing ...infact I put more thoughts on it. So after that, I decided to talk about it. But once again I wasn't being honest.. I lied about my feelings at that paticular moment because I didn't want to make anything worse. I left home very early because I needed to be alone and I was crying while listening to few songs.. Crying while driving. Can you imagine how dangerous it was? I cried not because of what I have been noticed and told, (partly yes) but I was crying because I'm afraid everything will change, and once again I will lose ppl that I have loved and cared for. I don't want to lose anybody. I wasn't okay. I lied. I had to.. I don't know what to do. Someone said I should not think about it that much. But should I?..or Can I? I just can't. I have been trying to focus on something else. I have been trying to make myself happy, but I failed. Next week I'm going to have a one week break. I hope I will recover, but I don't think I can....

I would like to say sorry for everything. If you're reading this blog, I want to apologize for what I have done and what you're going to know. Yes, you will know sooner or later. I'm terribly sorry. Really am....only god can explain my feelings right now. I'm going through hell.......