19th

I'm 19 now. Yesterday was my birthday. I was born on the same date, 19 years ago. This year's celebration was definitely better than last year's. Last year, although my friends took me out to for some meals and jalan-jalan, but I ended up celebrating it alone, watching Harry Potter, without company. It was quite sad, and lonely. Yesterday, I spent the whole day out. I spent my day with the people who has given me the chance to actually love and care for them all this while. It was a nice day, although kind of tiring. Being 19 is not really a big deal for me. Age is just a number. The more important thing is how you handle yourself, how you think, how you think of other people, how you create good relationships and bonds with others, how you cope with problems, how you solve those, how you accept your flaws, how you control your behaviour, your manners, how you deal with unwanted situation, how mature is your thinking, how professional is your acting and the list goes on. Those things are far more important than just being 19. I'm happy with what I have been given by god. The one and only. I'm grateful to have my family, my friends, and so many other things. To tell you the truth, I'm in a situation where I'm not supposed to face at this kind of age I guess. Sometimes I think, I matured to early than my age. Sometimes I think I'm more serious than what I'm supposed to be at this age. I just can't avoid of thinking about the future, what lies ahead, the consequences of my doings, the possibilties of something to happened because of my actions and again, the list goes on. I want a happy life. I guess I do own a happy life., but sometimes I feel I am not that happy. I hate that. I have been dealing with this issue for quite sometime. It has tortured me like hell. Seriously. Last night I had the chance to express my feelings to a friend of mine. I was so stressed, I would say. I hate to be controlled, I hate the fact that I feel I am being controlled. I hate to be pushed and the fact that I am being pushed, is pushing my patience to its limit. I don't like my actions to be supervised 24-7. I WANT my own space. I WANT my freedom. Freedom to know anyone that I want to know. Freedom to go anywhere that I think is appropriate for me to go. I WANT to spend my time with my friends. Fyi, I have more that ONE friend. I WANT to enjoy my youth. I WANT to explore the world, and I WANT to explore it on my own but with necessary guidance. How I wish, I could just go somewhere right now. Somewhere far, where I can actually be on my own , enjoy the peace, enjoy the views, enjoy the freedom. Somewhere where I can relax my mind, relax my feelings, and just be all by myself. I don't need to report, what I am doing, don't need to tell others what I'm gonna do, don't need to feel as if I'm being owned by someone. I will tell myself, that I'm am owned by someone, when I think I have found the right person to own me. I don't want anyone else to think, that they own me, and have rights to know EVERY SINGLE thing that's happening in my life, unless, I have given them the AUTHORITY to do so. I will personally, show them that they own me, and they are allowed to know, what they want to know. I have my own heart. I want my privacy. I want my rights. I decide who I want to have relationship with. I decide what I want. There will always be a line. No matter how fine the line is, it is still A LINE. Don't ever cross it...because it will hurt me. It has been quite a year. I hope the year that I am going through right now, is going to be better, because I'm tired of everything, right now. Chow!