Payah untuk aku mulakan tulisan ini. Antara mahu atau tidak. Yes, my intention is to stop blogging for a while but there are so many things I need to get out of my chest. Jika aku luahkan, takut dikatakan melara jiwa. Jika aku simpan, terlalu sakit aku rasa. Maafkan aku sebab terpaksa.
I'm in the lowest level of emotion I could possibly be. I'm down. Yes, I'm sorry I have to admit it. It's not that I can't be happy at all but I'm unstable. That's all I could say. I'm sorry. Aku memang nampak senyum, riang dan girang tapi sebenarnya, hati dan fikiranku berkecamuk. I don't wanna think at all but seakan luka lama berdarah kembali. Luka setahun lepas yang baru pulih, bagaikan ditusuk semula.
A friend of mine told me that I need to have time and space on my own. Maybe he's right but thinking about semua yang dah jadi, buat aku kecewa.
To you,
Hopefully you're reading this because I don't have anymore idea on how to reach you. You didn't reply my smses. Why? You told me you need time. I understand what you're going through. I totally do but why are you keeping quiet from me? It hurts my feelings because I don't know what is going on.You seem to avoid me. I do want to call you, but I'm afraid you won't pick up my call, and that would obviously make my wound deeper.
The last time I saw you, you looked so miserable. It broke my heart, knowing that I can't be a help at all. I waited for you for an hour, yes, you didn't ask me to come but I just wanted to see how you're doing. But I got to see you only less than 5 minutes. Takpelah, asalkan I got to see you.
(Terima kasih pada someone yang sangat sangat baik to let me use the car untuk ke sana biarpun pada awalnya aku membatalkan hasrat aku. Thank you very much.)
Can't you imagine how I'd feel? You are doing exactly the same thing that he did to you before, to me. It's like you're erasing me from your life without me knowing the true reasons. Why? I'm clueless.
It has been days since I heard anything from you. I read your blog everyday, just to know your condition although I'm not sure whether you're feeling better or worse. Yeah, who am I for you to care what I would feel right? You are making me feel like whatever you have told me before
were lies. You make me feel like you were using me just for the sake of trying to forget what you were feeling. I try not to think negatively, but why are you hanging me like this? Is it so hard for you to reply me?
Yes, you are going through hell. I'm sorry for being a burden to you. But don't. Don't do this to me. Someone else did this to me previously and I don't want the same thing to happen again. I believe you would know my feelings right now, because what I'm feeling at the moment is the exact same thing you felt weeks ago. I'm not asking you to talk about "us" because based on what I have read on your blog, it seems to me, there won't be any "us" at all.
I try not to think about "us", although it hurts my feelings when I think about all the things you told me not too long ago. Are you trying to say that all the things you did and told me were nothing? Because you were under the "infulence"? God! If it's true, then please talk to me. Don't ruin what we've had. I know you are different than A. I know..please..
Entahlah, I don't know what I should think. If time that you need, I give it to you but please, don't throw me away just like that...
To the other you,
The person who has been with me all this while, thank you very very much. I know how you feel towards me. But I can't do anything right now. I'm too fragile to even think about anything. I have to make sure I am okay in order for me to decide anything. I hope you understand although I know, you are hurting, just like me. I appreciate all the things you have done to make me feel better. And yes, you are a big help. You made me stronger but...please understand my situation. I'm fighting with my emotions and the demons in me.
I know you need someone to be with you. After years together with the ones you loved, you can't be alone. You want to be loved. You want to have someone by your side all the time. I know. But please, understand my situation. Don't force me to do the unthinkable. I'm begging you. Please..
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
If I have loved someone, I would love the person with all my heart. I'm not a type of person yang senang untuk melafazkan cinta or "I Love You". Sekali dirasa, sekali dilafaz, sukar untukku melupakannya begitu saja. If I have to sacrifice, I would. I would let everyone go.
Sakit sungguh hatiku ini. Sakit sungguh perasaan ku ini. Berat hatiku untuk menulis entri ini. Berat hatiku untuk meletakkannya di sini, kerana aku tahu akan ada hati lain yang terluka. Tapi fahamilah, aku yang lebih terluka.
Aku tahu ramai yang menyayangiku. Terima kasih kepada semua. Tapi mengertilah, hati ini rapuh, hati ini lemah. Fahamilah.
Aku perlukan masa untuk bangun semula. Aku perlu masa untuk berdiri semula. I need time..
I'm in the lowest level of emotion I could possibly be. I'm down. Yes, I'm sorry I have to admit it. It's not that I can't be happy at all but I'm unstable. That's all I could say. I'm sorry. Aku memang nampak senyum, riang dan girang tapi sebenarnya, hati dan fikiranku berkecamuk. I don't wanna think at all but seakan luka lama berdarah kembali. Luka setahun lepas yang baru pulih, bagaikan ditusuk semula.
A friend of mine told me that I need to have time and space on my own. Maybe he's right but thinking about semua yang dah jadi, buat aku kecewa.
To you,
Hopefully you're reading this because I don't have anymore idea on how to reach you. You didn't reply my smses. Why? You told me you need time. I understand what you're going through. I totally do but why are you keeping quiet from me? It hurts my feelings because I don't know what is going on.You seem to avoid me. I do want to call you, but I'm afraid you won't pick up my call, and that would obviously make my wound deeper.
The last time I saw you, you looked so miserable. It broke my heart, knowing that I can't be a help at all. I waited for you for an hour, yes, you didn't ask me to come but I just wanted to see how you're doing. But I got to see you only less than 5 minutes. Takpelah, asalkan I got to see you.
(Terima kasih pada someone yang sangat sangat baik to let me use the car untuk ke sana biarpun pada awalnya aku membatalkan hasrat aku. Thank you very much.)
Can't you imagine how I'd feel? You are doing exactly the same thing that he did to you before, to me. It's like you're erasing me from your life without me knowing the true reasons. Why? I'm clueless.
It has been days since I heard anything from you. I read your blog everyday, just to know your condition although I'm not sure whether you're feeling better or worse. Yeah, who am I for you to care what I would feel right? You are making me feel like whatever you have told me before
were lies. You make me feel like you were using me just for the sake of trying to forget what you were feeling. I try not to think negatively, but why are you hanging me like this? Is it so hard for you to reply me?
Yes, you are going through hell. I'm sorry for being a burden to you. But don't. Don't do this to me. Someone else did this to me previously and I don't want the same thing to happen again. I believe you would know my feelings right now, because what I'm feeling at the moment is the exact same thing you felt weeks ago. I'm not asking you to talk about "us" because based on what I have read on your blog, it seems to me, there won't be any "us" at all.
I try not to think about "us", although it hurts my feelings when I think about all the things you told me not too long ago. Are you trying to say that all the things you did and told me were nothing? Because you were under the "infulence"? God! If it's true, then please talk to me. Don't ruin what we've had. I know you are different than A. I know..please..
Entahlah, I don't know what I should think. If time that you need, I give it to you but please, don't throw me away just like that...
To the other you,
The person who has been with me all this while, thank you very very much. I know how you feel towards me. But I can't do anything right now. I'm too fragile to even think about anything. I have to make sure I am okay in order for me to decide anything. I hope you understand although I know, you are hurting, just like me. I appreciate all the things you have done to make me feel better. And yes, you are a big help. You made me stronger but...please understand my situation. I'm fighting with my emotions and the demons in me.
I know you need someone to be with you. After years together with the ones you loved, you can't be alone. You want to be loved. You want to have someone by your side all the time. I know. But please, understand my situation. Don't force me to do the unthinkable. I'm begging you. Please..
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
If I have loved someone, I would love the person with all my heart. I'm not a type of person yang senang untuk melafazkan cinta or "I Love You". Sekali dirasa, sekali dilafaz, sukar untukku melupakannya begitu saja. If I have to sacrifice, I would. I would let everyone go.
Sakit sungguh hatiku ini. Sakit sungguh perasaan ku ini. Berat hatiku untuk menulis entri ini. Berat hatiku untuk meletakkannya di sini, kerana aku tahu akan ada hati lain yang terluka. Tapi fahamilah, aku yang lebih terluka.
Aku tahu ramai yang menyayangiku. Terima kasih kepada semua. Tapi mengertilah, hati ini rapuh, hati ini lemah. Fahamilah.
Aku perlukan masa untuk bangun semula. Aku perlu masa untuk berdiri semula. I need time..
