20SevenEleven

For You

2008-08-23T11:54:00.001+08:00

Payah untuk aku mulakan tulisan ini. Antara mahu atau tidak. Yes, my intention is to stop blogging for a while but there are so many things I need to get out of my chest. Jika aku luahkan, takut dikatakan melara jiwa. Jika aku simpan, terlalu sakit aku rasa. Maafkan aku sebab terpaksa.

I'm in the lowest level of emotion I could possibly be. I'm down. Yes, I'm sorry I have to admit it. It's not that I can't be happy at all but I'm unstable. That's all I could say. I'm sorry. Aku memang nampak senyum, riang dan girang tapi sebenarnya, hati dan fikiranku berkecamuk. I don't wanna think at all but seakan luka lama berdarah kembali. Luka setahun lepas yang baru pulih, bagaikan ditusuk semula.

A friend of mine told me that I need to have time and space on my own. Maybe he's right but thinking about semua yang dah jadi, buat aku kecewa.

To you,

Hopefully you're reading this because I don't have anymore idea on how to reach you. You didn't reply my smses. Why? You told me you need time. I understand what you're going through. I totally do but why are you keeping quiet from me? It hurts my feelings because I don't know what is going on.You seem to avoid me. I do want to call you, but I'm afraid you won't pick up my call, and that would obviously make my wound deeper.

The last time I saw you, you looked so miserable. It broke my heart, knowing that I can't be a help at all. I waited for you for an hour, yes, you didn't ask me to come but I just wanted to see how you're doing. But I got to see you only less than 5 minutes. Takpelah, asalkan I got to see you.

(Terima kasih pada someone yang sangat sangat baik to let me use the car untuk ke sana biarpun pada awalnya aku membatalkan hasrat aku. Thank you very much.)

Can't you imagine how I'd feel? You are doing exactly the same thing that he did to you before, to me. It's like you're erasing me from your life without me knowing the true reasons. Why? I'm clueless.

It has been days since I heard anything from you. I read your blog everyday, just to know your condition although I'm not sure whether you're feeling better or worse. Yeah, who am I for you to care what I would feel right? You are making me feel like whatever you have told me before
were lies. You make me feel like you were using me just for the sake of trying to forget what you were feeling. I try not to think negatively, but why are you hanging me like this? Is it so hard for you to reply me?

Yes, you are going through hell. I'm sorry for being a burden to you. But don't. Don't do this to me. Someone else did this to me previously and I don't want the same thing to happen again. I believe you would know my feelings right now, because what I'm feeling at the moment is the exact same thing you felt weeks ago. I'm not asking you to talk about "us" because based on what I have read on your blog, it seems to me, there won't be any "us" at all.

I try not to think about "us", although it hurts my feelings when I think about all the things you told me not too long ago. Are you trying to say that all the things you did and told me were nothing? Because you were under the "infulence"? God! If it's true, then please talk to me. Don't ruin what we've had. I know you are different than A. I know..please..

Entahlah, I don't know what I should think. If time that you need, I give it to you but please, don't throw me away just like that...

To the other you,

The person who has been with me all this while, thank you very very much. I know how you feel towards me. But I can't do anything right now. I'm too fragile to even think about anything. I have to make sure I am okay in order for me to decide anything. I hope you understand although I know, you are hurting, just like me. I appreciate all the things you have done to make me feel better. And yes, you are a big help. You made me stronger but...please understand my situation. I'm fighting with my emotions and the demons in me.

I know you need someone to be with you. After years together with the ones you loved, you can't be alone. You want to be loved. You want to have someone by your side all the time. I know. But please, understand my situation. Don't force me to do the unthinkable. I'm begging you. Please..

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

If I have loved someone, I would love the person with all my heart. I'm not a type of person yang senang untuk melafazkan cinta or "I Love You". Sekali dirasa, sekali dilafaz, sukar untukku melupakannya begitu saja. If I have to sacrifice, I would. I would let everyone go.

Sakit sungguh hatiku ini. Sakit sungguh perasaan ku ini. Berat hatiku untuk menulis entri ini. Berat hatiku untuk meletakkannya di sini, kerana aku tahu akan ada hati lain yang terluka. Tapi fahamilah, aku yang lebih terluka.

Aku tahu ramai yang menyayangiku. Terima kasih kepada semua. Tapi mengertilah, hati ini rapuh, hati ini lemah. Fahamilah.

Aku perlukan masa untuk bangun semula. Aku perlu masa untuk berdiri semula. I need time..

Buat Terakhir Kali

2008-08-20T01:28:00.011+08:00

“Dan ku lakukan semampu aku tuk menyayangimu
Hingga kau merasa jadi pujaan ku
Meski bercinta kadang tak indah
Tapi tuk buktikan kau yg terindah
Dan ku pastikan, I’m The Lucky One
Nikmati cinta lebih dari segalanya"

“Kau yang Merubah Segalanya
Kau sebenarnya yang mencuri hati
Aku yang masih meratapi kehancuran
Cinta lalu yang tak kesampaian

Apakah yang terburu-buru
Cuba melupakan peristiwa lalu
Atau mungkinkah ku terpesona pada
Kejujuran yang engkau berikan”

“Dan Untuk Pertama Kali
Cintaku terbagi
Dan kuingin milikinya

Dan Untuk Pertama Kali
Kusangkali janji
dan bahagia mencintainya”

“Kaulah Segalanya
Yang menyinar hidupku kasih
Hanya satunya yang ku cintai

Sambutlah cintaku
Jangan kau pergi dari sisi
Cintaku padamu
Ikhlas sejati”

“Sesuatu yang tak disangka
Seringkali mendatangi kita
Itukah Suratan dalam kehidupan
Atau hanya satu Kebetulan”

“Yang Kumau
Ada dirimu tapi tak begini keadaannya
Yang Kumau
Selalu denganmu

Jika tuhan mahu begini
Rubahlah semua jadi Yang Kumau
Kerna ku ingin semua berjalan
Seperti Yang Kumau”

“Mungkinkah kan kembali masih sangsi
Tiada Pasti, aku menanti kini”

“What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you’re not there

What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it’s all over
And Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”

“Andai sampainya waktu
Aku harus tinggalkanmu
Akan aku berlalu bila tiba saat itu
Tak guna kau merayu
Tak guna menahanku
Kerana yang berlaku kehendakmu

Air mata bertamu tidak kenal erti jemu
Menemani hatiku tidak mengenal ruang waktu
Mengapa dari dulu tak kau kata kan padaku
Kehadiranku ini menyusahkan”

“Doaku agar kau kan selalu bahagia
Agar kau temui insan tulus menyayangi
Lepaskanlah diriku kerna keredhaanmu
Bukan kerna dendam jua bukan kerna kau terpaksa
Ku tinggalkan memori bersamamu
Ku undur diri bersama Harapan”

“Terlalu singkat hubungan ini
Belum pun sempat Melakar Rindu
Baru semalam mimpi dicipta
Mengapa mendung melanda sukma

Kaulah segalanya madah digubah
Ketika cinta masih di dada
Pudarlah jua kini akhirnya”

“Dan Tak Mungkin untukku
Tuk menggapai cintamu
Walau rasa di hati
Ingin memilikimu

Cinta harus berkorban
Walau harus menunggu selamanya
Ku tau…
Kau bukan untukku”

“Tak ubah berbunga lalang
Rendahnya pandanganmu
Padaku yang amat memerlukan
Kegersangan sekeping hati

Mengharapkan setitis embun
Agar basah rindu ini
Aku yang terbuang
Sejak mula lagi
Puas ku merintih
Puas ku berduka

Ku hanya mampu berserah
Berserta doa harapan
Ubahlah haluan hidup ini

Demi cinta yang menyala
KuRela menggenggam bara api
Demi kasih yang mengharum
Sungguh aku Rela

Biarpun pada pandangan
Seperti bunga yang layu terbuang
Namun kau pasti tahu
Semua kerna
Aku masih lagi setia padamu
Biar ku menangis seumpama pengemis”

“Tiada erti aku merindu
Jika kau tak ingin bertemu
Apa gunanya bercinta di dalam kepura-puraan

Yang lafaz cinta hanya di bibir
Namun diri tak seringnya hadir
Di saat engkau diperlukan aku hampa

Usah dikelirukan cinta
Yang terkusut jiwa merana
Jangan dengan separuh hati
Diri ini kau cintai

Usahlah renung hanya di mata
Benamkanlah ke dasar hati
Renunganmu telusnya pasti
Berarash ke syurga cinta

Menanti kunjungan hampir pasti
Mengharap titis embun pagi
Dan bagai Menadah Gerimis
Yang masih pulang pergi”

“Aku Berhenti Berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat

Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang, tanpa dendam
Auterima kekalahanku
Aku pulang,tanpa dendam
Kusalutkan kemenanganmu”

“Beratnya rasa hati nak melangkah pergi
Tetapi apakan daya aku terpaksa
Buat kali terakhir inginku mengucapkan
Semoga dirimu berbahagia selalu
Tentang diriku ini
Terserah padaMu Tuhan menentukan...

Tak perlu kau bertanya ke mana ku pergi
Pandailah aku menjaga diriku ini
Sekali kumelangkah oh biarlah ku teruskan
Perjalanan ini walaupun sendirian
Hanya Tuhan yang tahu dukalara hidupku ini
Tak terkata, aduhai sayang...

Selamat tinggal sayangku
Selamat tinggal kasihku
Aku terpaksa pergi dahulu
Kerana Terluka hati ini”

“Ku mengerti Perpisahan ini
Bukan kerana kau membenci
Tapi kasih yang pernah kuberi
Tiada lagi bersama

Seringkala aku terlihatkan mu
Impian nan indah
Bersulam bahagia”

------------------------------------

Berlian Berharga yang dicari
Sekeping kaca dibuang ke tepi

Berlian itulah yang membuat luka
Kaca inilah yang cuba membalutnya
Namun jelas, kaca tak mampu dibandingkan dengan berlian
Keindahan berlian tiada toloknya, kehinaan kaca tiada tandingnya

Kaca ini dah pun jatuh, berderai menjadi serpihan
Tatkala kaca dicampak ke tanah begitu sahaja
Terbuang sudah segala janji
Terhilang sudah segala lafaz
Kaca dibiar sehinanya

Hati ini ibarat di hiris
Jiwa ini ibarat di siat
Jelas sudah segalanya
Nyata sudah hakikatnya

Simpanlah berlian itu dalam hatimu
Moga ianya kan kekal ke akhir hayat
Kaca ini kan terus menjadi kaca
Yang layak digelar sampah
Buat selamanya

------------------------------------

I have never felt this low in my life. Never. Aku ingat hanya A seorang yang telah mampu membuat diriku terhina namun, someone else managed to top that. Congratulations.

Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah,

Ampunkan dosaku. Ampunkan dosa kedua ibu bapaku dan ahli keluargaku. Ampunkan dosa sahabat sahabatku. Ampunkan dosa insan insan yang mengenaliku. Ampunkan dosa dosa insan yang membenciku. Ampunkan dosa insan insan yang telah menganiyaiku. Ampunkan dosa mereka mereka yang mendustaiku.

Diri ini begitu lemah. Diri ini begitu kecil. Ku panjatkan doa, agar kuterus kuat mengharungi hidup. Aku tahu diri ini tak pernah kan lepas daripada dosa. Tak ku layak ke syurgamu, namun tak pula ku ingin ke nerakamu.

Ya Allah,

Tak akan ku simpan rasa benci dalam diri terhadap mereka mereka yang telah mengkhianatiku. Tak akan ku mahu mereka derita. Kau curahlah rahmatmu ke atas diri mereka semua.

Aku hanya mampu tersenyum dalam tangisan tatkala hati ini dihiris senipis nipisnya, jiwa ini di siat sehalus halusnya. Pernah sudah ku rasai keperitannya, namun tak pula aku sangka ku akan rasainya semula. Hebat sungguh petunjukMu. Hebat sungguh kuasaMu. Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah,

Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan
Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan
Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan

Amin ya rabbal alamin

------------------------------------

Kepada insan yang menyayangiku setulus hatimu, maafkan diri ini kerana telah membuat luka dihatimu. Bukan niat menusuk duri. Yang ku perlukan adalah masa. Masa untuk aku berfikir tentang segalanya. Aku menyayangimu seadanya dan sejujurnya. Terima kasih yang tak terhingga. Terima kasih di atas keikhlasanmu. Kaulah semangatku.

Kepada si dia yang terlalu hebat dilanda dugaan, aku panjatkan doa untuk dirimu agar kau mampu mengharungi dugaan itu. Segala yang baik datang dariNya , segala yang buruk adalah dari kita. Terima kasih atas keikhlasanmu yang telah kau nyatakan. Terima kasih atas segala masa yang telah kau korbankan. Terima kasih atas SEGALANYA.

Di sini, ku harapkan agar biar ini menjadi titipan terakhir dariku. Tiada lagi indah. Tiada lagi fantasi. Tiada lagi laraan jiwa . Tiada lagi harapan.

HATI YANG RAPUH

Di hati kulakarkan sebuah impian
Yang aku namakan harapan
Apabila kutentukan arah serta tujuan
Rela kuhadapi cabaran

Jalan ke puncak
itu beronak dan berliku
Menyukarkan pendakianku
Namun tetap kugagahi
Hati yang rapuh ini
Demi hasrat yang suci

Aku sangkakan harapan
Selembut impian
Yang menguliti tidur insan
Kiranya kehidupan tidak sedemikian
Goyah hatiku oleh kenyataan

Tak harus kuturuti kelemahan diri
Tak daya bertahan diuji
Lalu aku mengumpulkan semula kekuatan
Berlandaskan keimanan...

Semoga bertemu lagi di lain lembaran, kiranya takdir mengizinkan.

Assalamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

Yang Amat Terluka,

Muhamad Adi Luqman Bin Zakaria
20-08-2008
01:28

Suprises

2008-08-17T02:05:00.002+08:00

Surprises.

Some people just love to be surprised and some love to make surprises. My life has been filled with many surprises, pleasant and unpleasant.

I don’t mind surprises. It adds color and excitement to your life. But to be really honest, I don’t really know how to deal with it. Perhaps I can say that I don’t really like surprises. Not that I hate them, but I’m not a big fan of them.

Why?

Simply because I don’t know how to react to them. I’m bad at it. Seriously.

“I’m sorry for the mistake I just done. My reaction was totally unacceptable and I know I was wrong. Forgive me”

I'm no angel, imperfect myself
'Cause baby I am only human

The River of Life

2008-08-14T11:13:00.006+08:00

I should not cry just because things are not the way I want it to be.

I should not whine for all the things that have been happening although it bothers me.

I know how it feels when someone that you love lied to you. I know how it feels, after all sacrifices that you have made, the person that you loved betrayed you. I know how hard it is to forget the person that you have cared, loved and trusted.

But..

Things happened for a reason. For that reason, you have to know that no matter how bad your situation is, there will always be another love for you. There are people who will care for you, who will give an unconditional love to you. Be grateful for things that you have been blessed with. Never regret the past, because without the past, you are nothing.

It takes time to heal. It takes time to forget. It takes time to move on.

Life is like a river. We have to go with the flow. At times there are massive floods, huge waterfalls, and raging rapids. Then there are the periods of smooth and peaceful flow. The thing to note is that the flow never stops. It continues until the ocean is reached.

Remember, the river never passes the same point twice, so is life. And is only at that point for the precise moment it is there. It flows immediately to the next point in its journey. It does not normally back track. Those few times it does, it becomes stagnant and brackish. The river does not struggle and strain, it simply flows on until it reaches its destination.

We will encounter obstacles and challenges. Though it will hurt us sometimes, but it won’t last forever. Just remember we will eventually reach the destination. The river will reach the ocean.

Thinking too much may harm you. Take things slowly, one step at a time. Don’t force yourself. Don’t try to run or hide from the problems you have been facing. Face it with grace. There will be a light at the end of every tunnel. It is just the matter how long you want the tunnel to be. It can be as long as the Great Wall of China if you allow it to. It depends on you. It’s your choice. You have to decide for yourself. How you want your life to be. But never push yourself too hard. We have limits. Everyone does.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

If you feel that you are disappointed with the world, please know that those people who loves you, will be twice as disappointed as you are, but not because of the world, but because you are not proving you are stronger than the world. Never let yourself down, because if you do, you will let others down, especially the ones that love you.

Be strong and be wise.

THE ROSE
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to blead

Some say love it
is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid
of dyingthat never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter
snows lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose

Ada Untukmu

2008-08-13T15:47:00.002+08:00

Di sana pungguk menanti
Mengharap bulan membalas
Rindu di hati
Di sini aku berdiri
Menunggu penuh dengan kesabaran

Tanpa manis madah
Janji yang puitis
Tuk persembah hanya ketulusan
Sekeping hati suci

Aku....
Berikan kasih
Kalau itu
yang kau mahu dariku

Aku....
Berikan cinta
Untuk membahagiakan
harimu

Aku....
Sayangi dirimu
Biarpun nafas ini sampai
Terhenti...

Akan ku kota janji kita
Mendirikan Taj Mahal cinta
Seteguh kasih Shah Jehan
Kepada Mumtaznya....

Terasa indah
pabila berdua
Semakin tiba saat bahagia
Meraih cinta kita...

Mmm

2008-08-13T10:13:00.002+08:00

When I got home last night, my mind was everywhere. I didn’t know what I should do. Obviously my mood was swinging. Everything seemed wrong to me. I didn’t even switch on my computer as I always do because I was feeling sick and extremely tired. I took my bath, and immediately curled up on my bed right after that.

I was having headache and feeling nauseous. I wanted to take some pills to reduce the pain but then, I have swallowed too many panadols for the past week. Never mind. I’m feeling better now.

Erm.

How do you react to something you have actually expected and saw it coming?
You’ll be ready to face it although it will shatter you.

How do you feel when somebody (especially the one that you love) told you that he or she just need to be alone?
Honestly, it makes me feel like my presence is not wanted.

I’ll be lying if I said that I’m not hurt when someone told me that. But, I’m willing TO NOT think about my feelings for a moment because I believe it would just temporary. I wish I have the power to heal but I don’t.

So, I’ll do just like what you wanted. Be alone as long as you need to.

Wait For You

2008-08-12T15:11:00.004+08:00

Life is a learning journey.

As I’m becoming older, I know that there will be more responsibilities I have to bear. I know I am strong enough to face everything. It will be just the matter of how am I going to take it. I realized something about me; I’m becoming more sensitive as I’m growing. Maybe itu yang orang semua kata faktor usia.

Part of the reason I think is simply because of my past experience. Life was not really hard on me; it is just that, I went through some low moments in my life. I learned from the mistakes that I have done but sometimes I can’t avoid from doing the same mistakes over and over again. It’s normal isn’t it?

I believe all of us have been in a situation where we will have to choose or decide something that will either make us, or break us. That IS life. Takkan pernah terlepas daripada persoalan yang memerlukan setiap dari kita untuk memilih. Setiap pilihan yang dibuat akan memberi kesan kepada hidup kita.

Choosing is not what I am good at. I have always chosen the wrong thing. Most of the time, I ended up losing the thing that I thought I would have. To make it worst, sometimes I would just lose everything. It makes me feel, that luck is never on my side, especially in love and relationship. But as I’m growing older, I learn to believe in whatever decision that I’m have made and going to make. Believing in myself is the utmost important thing because nobody else will believe in me if I don’t.

I’m taking chances. I’m hoping things would turn out to be better day by day, not only for me but also for the ones that I love. I know that I can’t ask for more than what I have been given and what others can give. I wasn’t taught to be demanding.

I have to be emotionally and mentally strong. I know that is hard of me to do as my strength weakens each and every time my heart is being slowly ripped. But I’m grateful to have met people that actually care for me for who and what I am. I just hope that those people love me truthfully because it would just break me apart of they don’t.

I chose to wait. I will wait for you.I will sacrifice my feelings, if time needs me to. I pray for you to prevail.

“Though I try to resist, being last on your list,
But I’m saving all my love for you..”

I have been tagged

2008-08-11T17:45:00.002+08:00

I have been tagged. I’m gonna do it.

1. Story behind your MySpace song?
I don’t have a myspace song.

2. Whats bothering you right now?
Everything.

3. Do you close the door when you pee?
Obviously.

DESCRIBE YOUR:

4. Wallet?
Energie. Bought it like a year ago.

5. Wallpaper on your computer's desktop?
Windows default wallpaper.

6. Background on your cell phone?
Pic from my Perhentian Trip

7. Jewelery worn daily?
I don’t wear any.

8. Where your default picture was taken?
On my bed.

9. Eye color?
Black.

10. Life:
Unexplainable

11. House:
Somewhere in KL.

WHAT ARE YOU?

12. Doing this weekend?
Haven’t decided.

13. Wearing?
My blue t-shirt and khakis.

14.Wanting?
Everything to be better.

15. Where are you?
Office

16. Listening to?
I’m The Lucky One - Anuar Zain

17. Have you ever hugged or kissed anyone lately?
Yes.

18. What do you smell like?
Bulgari Omnia

19. Eating?
I have no appetite.

20. Besides your bed, what is your favorite things?
My Ipod.

21. Do you believe in a soul mate?
Of course.

22.Do you sleep naked?
No.

23. Do you remember your dreams?
Yes. Some of em.

24. Do you believe dreams come true?
Yup. If you believe in it.

25. Do you believe in miracles?
I do.

26. Do you burn easily in the sun?
Yes.

27. Do you speak another language other than English?
Malay.

28. What's something you wish you could understand better?
Myself and my life.

29. What did you do last weekend?
Hang-out with my peeps.

30. Who do you miss?
Few people. B the most.

31. Have you ever been in a car crash?
Yes. Minor ones.

32. Orange or apple juice?
Apple

33. Who were the last people you went somewhere with?
Erm. Do I need to tell?

34. What was the last text message you received?
InsyaAllah from Ain.

35. Last text message you sent?
To Ain.

36. Last time you ate a home grown tomato?
I don’t eat tomato.

37. What is the closest thing to you that is blue?
My t-shirt.

38. What was the last thing you ate?
Rice.

40. Whose house did you go to last night?
No one.

41. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

Darling Ngasri.

42. Do you like someone right now?
Yes.

43. What do you wear more, slacks, jeans, or sweatpants?
Jeans

44. What is the last movie you watched?
Susuk. Great movie.

45. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Seed.

46. Coach or NFL game tickets?
Coach as in the COACH?

47. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
Because I love that person.

48. Do you believe that you can change someone?
It depends.

49. Do you want someone you can't have?
Yes. Everyone does.

50. Do you blame them, when you can't have them?
No. If it’s meant to be.

p/s : Thanks homo:graphy

I'm The Lucky One

2008-08-10T21:39:00.003+08:00

I'm The Lucky One

Ku persembahkan satu citaku
Setulus hati hanyalah untukmu
Dan ku lakukan semampu aku
'Tuk menyayangimu
Hingga kau merasa jadi pujaanku

Meski bercinta kadang tak indah
Tapi 'tuk buktikan kau yang terindah
Dan ku pastikan
I'm the lucky one
Nikmati cinta
Lebih dari segalanya

Jiwaku dulu yang tak tersentuh
Kini terasa sejak bersamamu
Berikan hangat hingga ku tak mampu
'Tuk jauh darimu
Kerna kau yang bisa buatku bahagia

Caramu membuatku tak berdaya
Mata hatiku pun ikut terjaga
Kau ubah hidupku ini
Jadi sempurna

This song means so much to me. Tak pernah terlintas lagu ni mampu buat aku menangis.Yes. I am the lucky one. I have been blessed with everything. Everything I have wished for. But…

My life has been taking many funny turns. I never thought it could be this way. I’m crying as I’m writing this. Many hearts have been broken. I don’t want anything to end. Tapi kalau itu jalan terbaik, aku terpaksa terima. Rasa yang ada di hatiku, tak mampu untuk ku dustai. Aku memilih apa yang ia nyatakan.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hanya itu yang ku mampu..

“Sesuatu yang tak disangka,
Seringkali mendatangi kita,
Itukah suratan dalam kehidupan
Atau sekadar, satu kebetulan”

U. B..

Not Okay

2008-08-07T10:45:00.001+08:00

I hate doing something stupid. Well, who does right?

It is such a waste of time for me to do something totally stupid and dumb. (again..duh!)

I’m talking about my work. Gosh, why are they so stupid? Can’t they have proper system to track down everything so it would be in order and I don’t have to do all these shit and wasting my energy? I’m fucking annoyed with everyone who is involved. I don’t mind calling up the people but to call them up more than one time, is just plain dumb. I can’t take it no more.

I’m going out later.

I’m NOT in a good mood today. Seriously I am not.

Everything would just not be okay at this moment. (read: EVERYTHING!)

.

2008-08-05T16:12:00.000+08:00

I have always wanted to do something huge for myself. Something extraordinary. Something different than anyone else. I just wanna be different and distinctive.

Truthfully speaking, when I was younger, I was seriously an attention seeker. I will purposely create something out of nothing so that the spotlight will be on me. Just me and no one else. I was competitive back than in school. I want people to like me. I want to adore me. I want people to get attracted to me. I lied; I made stories up, just to make people to listen to me so that I can fit in.

I was stupid and naïve. I seriously was.

Mistakes by mistakes I committed, I gain a friend, and I lose 10 of them. All because of my stupidity.

As I grew older, I realized that we can never satisfy everyone. I have to admit, I still want people to like me, but not to the extend of lying, or making something up anymore. I am not the stupid boy I used to be. Now, I prefer to keep out of anyone else’s business and mind my own. I don’t want to simply interfere in others affairs and be a hero to solve the problems or such that. No, I’m not going to do any of that.

Right now, I prefer to just be quiet, and speak whenever I am needed to. I’m teaching myself to do things adequately, rather than aiming for perfection because nothing is perfect in this world and no matter how hard you try, nothing will be. People that I have now in my life as my friends are perhaps the best I have ever had. They brought tears and joy. They colored me well. They helped me to be a better person in ways they have never realized. I know that they will not stay forever in my life but their presence will be remembered.

Being the only child in the family for almost 16 years taught me a lot of things. I wish that I have few more siblings so that the expectations on me won’t be so high, but I guess that would be just a wish. People might think that, being the only child, I would get anything that I want and my parents would give me the fullest attention, but unfortunately, that is just merely a tale. I’m not saying I was not treated well. In fact, I love my life and I am grateful to have such wonderful parents. But as a normal human being, deep inside my heart, there are things I wish I could have and change about my life, but it’s too personal for me to write it here.

Loving is what I have taught myself to do; Forgiving is the ultimate thing I have always told myself to practice, and Learning is what I am going to keep on doing till the last day of my life.

I may not live long in this world to see every single person in my life achieve their dreams, but as long as I live, I want to see myself achieve the dreams I have been dreaming and will help my loved ones to achieve theirs.

Will I ever be the person I have always wanted to be?

I wanna be remembered for the deeds that I have done.
I wanna be remembered for my legacy.

Maybe I’m wishing too hard.

To you my dear, if you are reading this, trust me, this is just another phase in your life. You are hurt and you are down on the ground. I promise, I will try my very best to help you to stand up on your feet back again and be the person you are used to be. But promise me, you will never give up and never look back.

“Barang yang lepas, janganlah dikenang,
Kalau dikenang, meracunlah diri”

To you my friend, if you ever read this, you seem to not care about the past. I adore you for being strong but remember what goes around comes around. You are young, and the road is still long for you. But I will respect you for who you are.

FFM21

2008-08-05T11:23:00.002+08:00

It’s awards time once again!

This year, Festival Filem Malaysia or better known as FFM will enter its 21st year and the awards ceremony will be held in Putrajaya on 9th august 2008. 103 films were qualified to compete in FFM21.

I’m not really into local film industry but I do support local filmmakers who have been making good and intelligent movies (read: intelligent!). This particular award is not as prestigious as the Oscars or even Golden Globe but kira bolehlah!

The final nominations have been announced and to be honest, I’m kind of bored with the nominees. But well, our industry is so small, so that’s why banyak nama yang sama sahaja tercalon tiap tiap tahun.

Here is the list of nominees:

ANUGERAH PERDANA

Pengarah Filem Terbaik:
1. Hatta Azad Khan – Wayang (tak tengok lagi)
2. Shuhaimi Baba - 1957 Hati Malaya (tolonglah jangan dia menang!)
3. Ahmad Idham – Congkak (what the eff?)
4. Mamat Khalid – KMBM (nak dia menang)
5. Osman Ali - Anak Halal (ada can menang)

Pelakon Lelaki Terbaik:
1. Afdlin Shauki – Sepi (ada can menang)
2. Adlin Aman Ramlie – Susuk (nak dia menang)
3. Rosyam Nor – KMBM (bukan dah bosan ke?)
4. Eman Manan – Wayang (tak tengok lagi)
5. Farid Kamil - Anak Halal (takpe, lain tahun!)

Pelakon Wanita Terbaik:
1. Maya Karin - Anak Halal (nak dia menang)
2. Erra Fazira – Anak (tolonglah jangan dia menang!)
3. Fazura – Kayangan (tak tengok lagi)
4. Nasha Aziz – Otai (tak tengok jugak)
5. Vanidah Imran – Akhirat (citer ape ni?)

Lakon Layar Terbaik:
1. Wayang - Hatta Azad Khan (tak tengok lagi)
2. KMBM - Mamat Khalid (ada can menang)
3. Sepi - Ara & Mira Mustaffa (nak dia menang)
4. Anak Halal - Osman Ali (ada can menang)
5. Cuci - Hans Isaac (takpelah, lain tahun eh?)

Cerita Asal Terbaik:
1. Wayang - Hatta Azad Khan (tak tengok lah!)
2. KMBM - Mamat Khalid (nak dia menang)
3. Sepi - Ara & Mira Mustaffa (ada can menang)
4. Anak Halal - Osman Ali (ada can menang)
5. Pensil - M.Subash (pun ada can menang)

Sinematografi Terbaik:
1. Evolusi KL Drift - Raja Mukhriz Raja Ahmad Kamarudin (tamo, tamo!)
2. Sepi - Mohd Nor Kassim (cantik sangat..nak dia menang!)
3. Susuk - Daven Raghaven (ada can menang)
4. Kayangan - Raja Mukhriz (cantik ke?)
5. Anak Halal - Khalid Zakaria (takpelah, biase je)

Penyunting Terbaik:
1. 1957 Hati Malaya - Nik Haslinda Nik Hussain / Kamarudin Abu
2. Wayang - Hafiz Kamaruzaman
3. Congkak - Ahmad Mustadha
4. KMBM - Raja Affandi Raja Jamaludin
5. Sepi - Johan Bahar

Skor Muzik Asal Terbaik:
1. Wayang - Hafiz Askiak
2. KMBM - Ahmad Badaruddin
3. Susuk - Hardesh Singh
4. Anak Halal - Nurzaidi Abdul Rahman
5. 1957 Hati Malaya - Sharon Paul

Filem Animasi Terbaik:
1. Family Portrait - The One Academy
2. Upin & Ipin - Les! Copaque Prod.Sdn Bhd
3. World War - University of Hertfordshire
4. Nene Breshke - Wan Muhammad Tamlikha
5. Apocalypse - The One Academy

Filem Dokumentari Terbaik:
1. Making The Cut - Reel Network Sdn Bhd
2. The Woodsmiths - Reel Network Sdn Bhd
3. The Perak Man - Eurofine / FINAS
4. Kami Yang Disyaki - UiTM
5. Restoring Merdeka - Leong Hon Yuen

Filem Pendek Terbaik:
1. Hasrat - Martias Entertainment
2. Tiffin - Chor Ai Lene
3. Eyefinger - Marge Bong
4. Burp - ASWARA
5. Kopitiam Kurang Manis – UiTM

Filem Digital Terbaik:
1. Yantra
2. Malaysia's Sweet Heart
3. Wirasiswi
4. Ganavin / Vanthaanda Herd
5. Jarum Halus

Filem Terbaik
(Akan dimaklumkan pada malam anugerah)

ANUGERAH CIPTA

Pelakon Pembantu Lelaki Terbaik:
1. Zul Huzaimy - Wayang
2. Farid Kamil - KMBM
3. Adlin Aman Ramlie - 1957 Hati Malaya
4. Eizlan Yusof - Impak Maksima
5. Fauzi Nawawi - Anak Halal

Pelakon Pembantu Wanita Terbaik:
1. Nabila Huda - Akhirat
2. Nanu Baharuddin - 1957 Hati Malaya
3. Azizah Mahzan - Anak
4. Ruminah Sidek - Pensil
5. Dynaz – Kayangan

Penataan Seni Terbaik:
1. 1957 Hati Malaya - Aida Fitri Buyong / Kamarul Nizam Abd Rahman
2. KMBM - Nazrul Ashraff
3. Susuk - Kek Ting Lam
4. Johnny Bikin Filem - Dr. Anuar Nor Arai
5. Anak Halal - Irwanmazwan Ibrahim

Penataan Bunyi Terbaik:
1. Congkak - Brian Ng
2. KMBM - Azman Abu Hassan
3. Susuk - Add Audio
4. Evolusi KL Drift - Daud Sulaiman
5. Anak Halal - Azman Abu Hassan

Pelakon Kanak-Kanak Terbaik:
1. Erynne Erynna - Congkak
2. Amrul Hisham - Anak
3. Mohd Asrah Akis - Wayang
4. Mohd Asrah Afif - Wayang
5. Erin Malek – Congkak

Pengarah Harapan Terbaik:
1. Hans Isaac - Cuci
2. M.Subash - Pensil
3. Mohd Latif Zami - Dunia Baru The Movie
4. Syamsul Yusof - Evolusi KL Drift
5. Barney Lee – Anak

Pelakon Harapan Lelaki:
1. M.Subash - Pensil
2. Moh. Kamarulzaman Taib - 1957 Hati Malaya
3. Wan Kenari Ibrahim - Wayang
4. Zaefaul Nadzarine Nordin - 1957 Hati Malaya
5. Syamsul Yusof - Evolusi KL Drift

Pelakon Harapan Wanita:
1. Julia Ziegler - Kayangan
2. Lisa Surihani - I'm Not Single
3. Mas Muharni - Wayang
4. Avaa Vanja - KMBM
5. Diana Rafar – Susuk (nak dia menang!)

Pereka Kostum / Busana:
1. 1957 Hati Malaya - Dee Hasnan / Ezrah Rahim
2. Johnny Bikin Filem - Ayu Haswida
3. Susuk - Mohd Zaini Abdul Rahman
4. Anak Halal - Mohamad Zaini Abdul Rahman
5. KMBM - Nasirah Ramlan

Poster Terbaik:
1. Cuci
2. Susuk
3. Anak Halal
4. Evolusi KL Drift
5. Pensil

Lagu Tema Asal Terbaik:
(Akan dimaklumkan pada malam anugerah)

ANUGERAH KHAS JURI
(5 Anugerah dari tersebut atau yang sesuai mengikut tema festival)

Kenapa tak umum calon filem terbaik? Apa apa tah! Kalau Oscars awal awal lagi dah umum! Motif? Hehu!

Good luck to all the nominees may the best man wins!

Anyway, today I’m planning to do something with my hair. I’m going to either trim it or cut it off. But, I don’t want my hair to be short, I like it long but when it’s long, it will be messy and I have to iron it everyday in order to make it look slightly better (read: slightly). Ironing your hair can cause damage. Sad huh?

Why do I like my hair to be long? So that I can cover my forehead. I just hope I’m not experiencing “receding hairlines disease”. No, not now!

Wiken

2008-08-04T11:03:00.000+08:00

I’m still sick. My throat is so dry (the only term that I know), it changes my voice. My voice becomes deeper, and lower. HA HA HA (evil laugh).

I’m having flu too. This is the most annoying part (read: most annoying). I couldn’t stand it. I went to the pharmacy the other day, and bought myself the ubat. Still taking it and hopefully the ubat is working or else I have to drive all the way to Setapak Jaya (my so called family doctor since the day I was born) to get the medicine.

Okay, enough about my sickness. It’s not gonna end and I don’t like to whine although that is exactly what I am doing right now. Okay, full stop.

I have seen 3 movies for the past one week. Yes, three and that’s a record for me. Thanks to my friends (grammar anyone?).

Susuk
A very good Malay thriller. I love the movie so very much and I don’t mind watching it again if anyone else wants to ajak me to watch the movie. (read: ajak me to watch the movie – read between the lines). Hehu. Just kidding. Yes, if anyone interested to watch the movie, and wants me to accompany them (yes, I’ll pay if you don’t want to belanja me), I don’t mind watching it again (no, I’m not paid to promote the movie). The movie is not a typical local thriller. It’s so brilliantly done, with good acting by fabulous cast. Ida was fantastic, Diana was surprisingly good, Sofia was sexually seductive, and Adlin was awesome (part of it because his voice was digitally enhanced). It’s not your normal “ahhhh I’m scared” movie. In fact, it is not a horror movie. Don’t expect Jangan Pandang Belakang thingie in this movie. Even though Jangan Pandang Belakang was good, but I believe Susuk is far better than JPB, in terms of, hmm…everything I guess. The storyline is good, the plot is strong, the art direction is superb (again, I’m NOT paid to cakap-cakap baik about the movie). This is by far the best Malay movie I have seen this year (so Sepi dah jadi no 2..hehu). I’m Not Single? No, I don’t think I’m gonna watch it. So, my advice, go and watch this movie. It is worth your money. You get pening somehow, but that’s the best part of the movie.

Note: Susuk opens on 7th august 2008

The Dark Knight
Okay, now I can use the line, “it’s merely just hype with no substance”. Haha, no, that’s exaggerating. No doubt that the movie is excellent, but I somehow I feel that something is missing somewhere. Macam takde the real WOW factor in the movie. The movie is good because of the Joker. Heath Ledger brought the character alive and he was amazing. For me the movie is just like other Hollywood action movies. Boom here, blast there, you know that kind of thing. I won’t watch the movie for the second time. Period.

Sex and the City
Ah, to be honest, I have never seen the series on TV so I don’t really know the characters. The movie was funny, but that was it. It was as cliché as it can be. It’s a typical feel good movie. I have something to say actually, Sarah Jessica Parker (SJP) looked so old and hideous. I despise most of her outfit in the movie. Mekap SJP tebal macam lahanat. Like OMG! Cyntia Nixon was like OMG! Uglynye! The things that I like were Charlotte’s black dress (she wore during Carrie’s wedding – the tak jadi one), the royal blue Manolo’s heels, and..urm….tu je kot. The rest macam plain boring.

Okay, now tukar topic.

My gaji just masuk last Saturday. Thank god! I gave my mom like almost half of my gaji because I bought my baju melayu cloth dengan guna duit dia dulu, and I bought her cloth too, and my hutang for LRT ticket. Ya, ya, ya..I owed my mom money, so what? Hehu.

So on Saturday, I went to Tesco Ampang and shopped a little. Bought some biscuits and other stuffs. Habis dlm RM 65 gak. Then yesterday, I went to Ikea, and bought curtain rod for my room and accessories die. Habis dalam 50 bucks lagi. Adoi pening, duit keluar macam air. Hehu. Salah sendiri kan? Okay. Enough! I won’t spend on unnecessary things anymore.

I dah pening.. ahh tidak!

Uncertainty

2008-08-01T12:53:00.001+08:00

How do I describe the feeling?

Uncertainty.

Never had I expected it coming. I was so content living in my own fantasy world without realizing it, although I tried to keep it as real as it can be. I was flying in the air of my own imagination until the day when the arrow of hatred pierced through my heart. The day when I woke up, fell down, and hurt again.

Something so sudden, but yet anticipated. Yes. I was so eager. Eager to have the love I have been hoping for. Eager to swim in the ocean of happiness. Eager to climb the mountain of joy. But have I ever considered that I might be entering my own fantasy world once again?

No.

This complication of mind and heart is making me suffer. I don’t want to know what the ending of the tale is and how it would be. Yes, nobody wants to be hurt. I don’t want to be hurt, again.

River of tears is flowing down. It’s unstoppable.

Ku yakin ini kisah ku nanti,
Namun ku terima kira ia musnah,
Kerna hati ini tak terbagi,
Jauh sekali ia terbelah

Tidak lagiku kuperlu waktu
Tapi kamu, itu ku tahu,
Akhir jelas dalam hatimu,
Di sini aku sedia menunggu.

Kasih ini tak mudah kuberi,
Mungkin suka kerap kubagi,
Namun sayang tidak kucari,
Kerna ia kan datang sendiri.

Aku lelah mengejar bayang,
Pasti ku akan terdampar jatuh,
Kiranya rasa itu hilang,
Akan ku buang kenangan, jauh jauh.

Hug me if you need to
Kiss me if you want to,

Love me if you do,
but love me with your heart…

Afraid

2008-07-29T16:17:00.002+08:00

I’m afraid.

Afraid that I will lose perhaps, the only chance of my happiness.
Afraid that what I am believing is unreal.
Afraid that all of these are just temporary lies.
Afraid that I will lose something I thought I would own.

I am afraid.

I know the feeling has been there for such a long time. I somehow couldn’t believe it is actually happening. But could it be real?

Or am I just dreaming?

Deep down inside, I wonder whether what I have heard, what I have been told are the truth or just plain lies

I’m not doubting anyone’s heart. I’m not doubting mine either. But I will be lying if I said that I don’t wonder. Things are going so well, it seems unbelievably good. And never have I felt that good before. I’m happy. I honestly am. But, I just want to know that I am being happy for something real. My heart is too fragile to be hurt.

I am afraid.

Happy!

2008-07-28T09:00:00.001+08:00

I am so happy

Happy as I can be!

p/s: I never felt this way since the last time I felt this way. (what a sentence!)

Persona

2008-07-24T10:08:00.002+08:00

After a short discussion last night, there will be a light change in my plan (my plan?) of buying a car.

My dad wants it to be as our second family car.

So, instead of buying this car

He wants to buy this one!

I’m sad. I want my veevee. But because Myvi tu hanya 1.3 , he doesn’t want. Dia kata tak pick up and etc. I can’t say much. I’ll be sharing the installments with him won’t I? Never mind. But I’m just scared it will take months for me to get the car. That will annoy me. And I don’t like things to irritate me. Nobody does aight?

Imagine, a friend of mine ordered the car like 4 months ago and dia masih lagi tak dapat the car. Oh my god. And he already paid the down payment like 6000 something. 4freaking months? Kalau I dah fengsan.

Okay, nak change the topic now. Putting aside the car thingie, let me tell you now, I’m broke! Like totally. Well adalah baki baki duit dalam bank, tapi tu pun setakat CUKUP MAKAN. Arghhh!! I don’t like this situation! I hate it so very much. Wish I have someone that I can just call and ask dia masukkan duit bila I kering. That’d be so effing nice kan?

Let me tell you why I’m broke or on my way of bankruptsy. Because of my trip to Perhentian Island! Okay, I’m not blaming it on the trip because I was the one yang excited gila nak vacay semua kan? So I’m facing the consequences of my decision. Do you wanna know how much I actually spent for the trip? The total cost of my 3 days trip to heaven?

It’s

RM881!!!

*fengsan!*

That is close to 900 bucks (not USD u doink!)

Maybe to some of you, that amount of money is nothing kan, coz you guys kerja menletop-letop, but to me, like Oh My God!

Tu la encik Adi Luqman ni tak reti nak belanja dengan berhemah! I so need to record all of my expenses again. Keep track of the money yang keluar. Learn how to budget. So kenalah feeling feeling jadi menteri kewangan untuk buat Bajet 2008/2009. Plus, I’m be acquiring a car which I’ll be paying in half. So my monthly commitment will increase. Scary!

Okay, this is what I need to pay every month:
My Astro : 50 bucks
My mom : 150 bucks (so little kan?)
My peesee: 200 bucks ( I have to pay to my dad because I bought this thing using his evil plastic card)
My limosine : 100 bucks
My Maxis : 100 bucks (and it’s increasing due to my phone activities!)

So in total now, I have to pay 600 bucks for everything. So that is like almost half of my nett pay.

As for the car, I have already told my dad, the maximum amount of kertas yang ada signature gabenor bank Negara tu, yang I boleh kasi untuk bayar the installment is only 300 buck. Jadi, after this my monthly commitment would be,

RM 900!!!

*fengsan kali kedua*

Takkooottt!!!!!!

Camne nak shopping dah after this? (selama ni kau shopping sangat ke?)
Camne nak makan best best? (you DO eat like a cow, according to your office colleagues!)
Camne nak tengok wayang hari hari? (eh, hari hari ke aku tengok pun?)
Camne nak jalan jalan buang duit? (doink! Sejelas jelasnya you can’t simply spend your money!)

Hmm, I’m still waiting for my choir payment and god knows when they will bank the money in to my bank account. Mintak all the details bagai nak rak. Sign the contract bagai. Paymentnya? Next year I think!!

Penat lah piker pasal duit. Nak nangis je rasa. Tetiba dah tader mood.

Booboo!!!

BooBoo

2008-07-23T16:47:00.003+08:00

Bila hati berkata sayang, fikiran mula merawang
Bila cinta mula ada, hati mula jadi gelora

I never expected things would be this way. Part of me wants to believe it is real, but part of me is saying, could this be true?

Love is so complicated; it makes you stand upside down. Love is so complicated; it makes you go round and around.

Love can ruin lives. Love can be damaging. Love is dangerous. It may create anger, hatred, and you can never see. It changes you.

What’s the huge deal about love anyway? The deal is huge, you can never measure.

Bila hati tak berdetik cinta, jelas sudah perasaan tak mampu dipaksa,Bila cinta dah dinyata, hadapilah hakikat yang bakal diterima

Okay, change topic.

My dad suggested that I should by a car and he said he would share the monthly payment with me. Very interesting kan? I got all excited after knowing that he actually WANTS to share the installments! How can you resist that?

I have been wanting to own a car for quite sometime, but it is just that, I’m afraid of the commitment. You know, I have to apply loans etc, it’s quite a huge thing kan? I’m not even 21 yet. But someone (someone ke?) told me that it’s actually good for me to be committed to something. Menjadikan I lebih bertanggungjawab. It’s very true.

So, I have made up my mind, I will just go for it. I hope everything will turn out be good. What car I will be buying?

This one!

I love this car. I want it in black.

But everything is still on the initial stage. Wish me luck!

p/s: miss my booboo.

Annoyed

2008-07-20T19:38:00.000+08:00

I’m annoyed. I know I am. Why?
Because of few things.

Sarcasm
It’s useful when it is needed. You may apply it when it is necessary but definitely not all the time. It will be such an annoyance if you do not know when is the appropriate time for you to be all sarcastic to someone else. You have to remember one thing; people may not like you because of your attitude. Yes, you can say, “what you see is what you get, if you do not like me, then be it, I won’t give a damn!” but who on earth will actually care for you if you don’t know how to behave? You are not that great to humiliate others. Certain people can consider your sarcasm as something funny, but if your sarcasm is getting boring and sickening, maybe you should just lay low and shut the eff up. It’s better that way.

Jealousy
Okay, I have this friend of mine. I can consider him as a good friend because he has helped me a lot. We have been friends for many years. I respect him as my friend. But one thing about him that I realized, I don’t know how to say this but he macam akan, jealous kot whenever I have something “more” than him. Entahlah, it’s becoming more obvious. If I buy something new, tak lama lepas tu he will definitely get something for him too. It’s going to be either the same thing that I bought or something better. I don’t know why. It’s annoying. Kalau sekali dua takpe, but this is like almost everytime. What the fuck? Susah lah. Nak tunjuk dia banyak duit ke? Please. Simpan jelah duit tu. Lepas tu kalau dia dapat beli benda tu dengan harga yang lebih murah, he will definitely tell me he got it for a cheaper price. For what? To make me jealous? Tolonglah. I don’t give a damn!

Boring jugak weekend ni. Didn’t do much.

Miss my sayang.

Wah, my sayang? Merepek je! Hahaha.

No, no, just kidding.

I just got back from Jalan TAR. It has been really long since I last went there. It’s getting crowded and packed with people. I have to go there once again early next month to get my baju melayu cloth. I know what I want and I will just grab it later. Senang.

Okay, dah maghrib. I’m off to the loo. Byebye

Dua

2008-07-16T14:00:00.000+08:00

How do you react to something unexpected?

You will either be surprised and shocked or you will not feel a thing because you are too numb to have feelings.

I couldn’t describe how I am feeling. I couldn’t put them into appropriate words. I have no idea how to express what is on my mind.

I don’t like the idea of dealing with this kind of thing. Once I have made up my mind about something, it’s pretty hard for me to change it. Well, I guess I can never change it.

Anyway, I just got back from Perhentian. It was an amazing trip. The resort was good, the food was wonderful, the people were nice, the weather was fantastic, and the scenery/location was absolutely gorgeous.

I will post the pictures soon. Right now, I’m dealing with some unwanted thingies. Life is funny. It can be seriously funny. 2 people at the same time? I have never predicted that. Wow.

Two?

What should I do?

Menyesal

2008-07-12T09:40:00.002+08:00

Semula ku tak yakin
Kau lakukan ini padaku
Meski dihati merasa
Kau berubah saat kau mengenal dia

Bila cinta tak lagi untukku
Bila hati tak lagi padaku
Mengapa harus dia yang merebut dirimu

Bila aku tak baik untukmu
Dan bila dia bahagia dirimu
Aku kan pergi meski hati tak akan rela

Terkadang ku menyesal
Mengapa ku kenalkan dia padamu

Menyesal, Ressa Herlambang

Typical Malay Drama?

2008-07-09T16:35:00.002+08:00

I just finished writing my first ever script. Well, it is actually a story that I translated into a script because I don’t really like writing stories like novel etc because I tend to lose interest halfway.

“Sofia, Julia, Zarif dan Zarith are four individuals living in the city. Zarif and Zarith are brothers while Sofia and Julia are best friends.

One is still in love,
One is waiting for love,
One is hoping for love, and
One needs love.

In this unpredictable tale of love, they will be linked in a conflict that will transform all of their lives forever. Is all fair in love and war?

Only god knows..”

“Sofia, Julia, Zarif dan Zarith adalah empat individu yang berbeza. Zarif dan Zarith adalah pasangan adik beradik manakala Sofia dan Julia adalah kawan baik.

Seorang masih mencintai,
Seorang tetap menanti cinta,
Seorang pula mengharapkan cinta, dan
Seorang lagi perlukan cinta.

Dalam sebuah kisah yang tidak dijangkakan, mereka akan disatukan di dalam satu konflik yang bakal mengubah hidup mereka buat selamanya. Bilakah penderitaan akan berakhir dan bilakah bahagia akan menjelma kembali?

Hanya tuhan yang tahu…”

A friend of mine told me that I have been watching too much tv. HahaMaybe this story is like a typical malay drama. But somehow, I feel that this story is quite different.

I’m so glad that I actually managed to finish the story off. Cerita ni dah ada dalam kepala otak I since last year, baru sekarang berjaya ditulis dalam masa seminggu. Amazing huh? Gila actually. Hahaha.

I don’t know what to do with it. See la how. :P

Penatnya!

2008-07-07T10:04:00.000+08:00

I am so freaking tired. I’m having a major terrible headache (maybe a lil exaggerating).

Last night concert went really well. I’m so lega to know that everything has ended. After a month of hardwork, it all paid off. I had so much fun with the choir. It really helped me though I have to bare all the mental and physical stress (whoa!).

We are given a week off. So I don’t have to go for any practices this week. I thank god for that. Last night, we were asked to sign a contract given by the choir manager. The contract contains all the details about the payment. I can’t reveal how much I’m gonna get but as a probation member, I’m going to get slightly less than the permanents. Sucks but that is how it works. To think about it again, it is kinda unfair because we (the probation members) worked as hard as the others but well, that is life. Whatever.

I’m not sure what would be the actual amount of payment I will be getting but the amount stated on the paper was pretty impressive (is it?). Maybe I will get around 200-300 less than the actual amount. I’m quite happy with it.

But I am still considering whether I nak teruskan atau tidak join this choir. I have to be really committed to it. There will be more concerts in the future and obviously I have to come for all of the rehearsals if I were to continue joining the team and be picked for the concerts.

I feel like sleeping right now. I just wish I could lie down on my bed and just…zzzz. I can hardly open my eyes. My head feels heavy and feels like it gonna blow anytime soon.

If I have the time, and if I tak lupa, I will try to upload few pics from last night. Just to share with you guys, my loyal (loyal keh?) readers. Thank you guys.

I’m gonna makan few more ubat. I just makan 2 biji panadol. It’s definitely not working. I need something stronger! Stronger!

Chow.

EMPAT

2008-07-04T10:54:00.001+08:00

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And
when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your
roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should
ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not
excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is
just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love
itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both
an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that
grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen
from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
"Love is the beauty of the soul."

--St. Augustine

Cinta dan kehidupan memang tak dapat dipisahkan. Dalam kehidupan ada cinta dan dalam cinta ada kehidupan. Cinta adalah penawar dan cinta juga mampu meracuni diri seseorang.

How do you define love or cinta?

How do you know you are in love?

Orang kata, pabila hati berdebar saat memikirkan seseorang, itu tanda dalam hati ada cinta.
Orang kata, pabila badan menjadi lemah saat memandang seseorang, itu tanda dalam hati ada cinta.

Betul ke?

Atau it is merely infatuation?

I’m not sure whether I have been in love or not. I’m 21. Mungkin terlalu awal untuk I berbicara soal cinta. Tapi yang pasti, I pernah menyayangi. Adakah I pernah mencintai? Sayang dan cinta sangat dekat antara satu dengan yang lain but there is one very fine line that separates both of them. It’s very hard to be explained, or maybe there are no words could explain the true meaning or sayang dan cinta.

When you meet someone yang you suka, you feel that you are slowly falling in ‘love’ with the person. You would do anything to make the person happy. You would change yourself just to give good impression to the person you are trying to attract. You would want to be with the person all the time. Anything about the person gives you the power to breathe, to live. But when something bad happens, the world turns dark. You would be disappointed. You would want to hurt yourself because you are being hurt by the person you thought you are in ‘love’ with. Everything seems wrong to you. The world turns upside down. Frustrations, angers, are your new ‘best friends’. At that moment of time, you will regret for falling in ‘love’ with that person. Anything about the person would no longer be good to you. You wish you could fall out of ‘love’ but falling out of ‘love’ is harder than it seems.

But are you sure, you are in ‘love’?

Why am I bringing this love matter up?

You might say, this is the most ‘boring’ blog you have ever read online. It’s okay. I won’t mind.

But this is where I could express my feelings.

Recent events have taught me a lot. I kerap kali mengingatkan diri I sendiri supaya tidak melakukan kesilapan yang sama berulang kali. So far, I managed to control myself. I hope I could. I feel a lot better now after burying few of my feelings. Burying? Yes. It sounds stupid and illogical but that is the truth.

I’m currently in a very weird situation. I’m not sure what I should do. Hopefully, semuanya akan berakhir. One twisted story.

I am in the midst of writing a story. The story I have been keeping for quite sometime. I hope I could finish it up by next week. It’s more like script. Tajuk ceita ini masih lagi belum ada, but draft title maybe ‘EMPAT’ but I’m not sure.

“Mengisahkan tentang 4 jiwa, Sofia, Julia, Zarif dan Zarith. Tentang pergolakan cinta, kehidupan, pengorbanan dan kasih sayang. 4 jiwa yang berasingan, disatukan dalam satu konflik, konflik yang mencipta sengsara dan kebencian. Komplikasi hati yang amat membingungkan. Bagaimana akhirnya? Only god knows.”

Sepi

2008-06-29T20:27:00.005+08:00

SEPI
Yuni Shara
OST Sepi (2008)

Sepi hati terjadi lagi
Mungkin sampai mati
Aku sepi
Biar senyum hadir di hariku
Namun ini hanya
Ada di bibir
Di bibir saja

Aku ini yang bisa mengerti
Walaupun yang lain mau mengerti
Namun berat beban di hidupku
Biarkan saja
Biar saja hanya ku yang tahu

Sejarah cinta dan hidupku
Penuh duri dan banyak ranjau
Butuh kesabaran yang penuh
Untuk tetap kuberdiri
Oh! ada saatnya kubicara
Bila hatiku t'lah bulat
Sepanjang kubisa atasi semua
Aku tetap diam

Lirik lagu ni memang sangat touching. I love this song so very much. It relates to me in so many ways. It’s about loneliness and how hard to cope with it when you are in that situation. I have been through it and still going through it.

I just came back from KLCC. I have been wanting to watch this movie ever since I heard about it. Directed by Kabir Bhatia, pengarah dan juga penulis bersama filem Cinta yang memang tersangat best. Based on early reviews yang I baca, ada yang kata filem Cinta lebih baik dan ada juga yang lebih menyukai filem Sepi berbanding dengan Cinta.

Obviously I expect something more than Cinta from Kabir. Something bigger. I love Kabir’s works in terms of cinematography. Shot-shot kamera yang dia ambil for Cinta sangat hebat. Jarang ada dalam filem-filem melayu yang biasa. Kabir is a brilliant director. I don’t know how to explain it but dia tahu macam mana nak buat penonton merasai apa yang ditonton dan mempengaruhi perasaan penonton dengan shot-shot yang indah dan lagu-lagu yang mampu menyentap emosi.

But after watching it, Sepi tidaklah seperti apa yang I expect. It’s not bigger.It is more simple. Sepi adalah sebuah filem yang sangat simple dari segi storyline. Senang faham. Tetapi masih berat dari segi maksud cerita-cerita yang ada dalam filem itu.

Sepi combines 3 stories in one movie. Kisah tentang Adam (Afdlin Shauki), Sufi (Tony Eusoff) dan Imaan (Baizura Kahar). Memang betul kata Ajami, Sepi reminds me of filem Berbagi Suami. It’s similar dari segi penceritaan. Ketiga-tiga story dalam Sepi berkaitan antara satu dengan yang lain.

I suka dengan ketiga-tiga cerita yang disampaikan. Ketiga-tiganya punyai mesej yang tersendiri dan dilakonkan oleh brilliant actors. For me, the best character in this movie is Suzy, played by Nasha Aziz. She was really good. I’m impressed with her acting. It seems effortless and so natural. Props to her. Kabir and his team know how to pick the actors. Semuanya kena. Afdlin was great. Even Baizura pun bagus. Eja tak paying cakap lah. Tengok dia menangis pun kita dah boleh sebak. Air mata meleleh-leleh macam air paip.

But to me, personally, I love Sufi’s story. Though it seems unreal sebab Marya (Eja) is married, and Sufi still wants her and he sanggup tunggu for her. I know how it feels to wait for the one you love. It hurts. Macam lagu Seribu Tahun (Imran Ajmain). Kisah Baizura pun best sebab dia masih tak dapat merelakan pemergian Khalil (Pierre Andre) sampai terbawa-bawa dalam kehidupan seharian. I love the part when Ean (Syen Hussein) said to Imaan yang in a coma, “Just go”. It was so touching. I don’t know how many times I cried while watching this movie. Bukanlah menangis bagai nak rak kan, just terasa apa yang diceritakan so airmata pun adalah meleleh jugak. I think during Sufi’s and Imaan’s stories.

It will be nicer kalau Kabir dapat extend kisah Suzy sebab charater dia sangat gila-gila and funny. I want to know how she really feels bila dapat tahu yang Adam tak cintakan dia.

Overall cerita ni memang best dan lain daripada filem melayu yang biasa. So to those yang tak tengok lagi movie ni, go and watch it. It’s so far, the best movie of the year.

Bisikku pada bulan
Kembalikan temanku
Kekasihku, syurgaku

Tanpa dia malam menemaniku
Sepi memelukku

Bulan jangan biar siang biar alam ini kelam
Biar ia sepi sepertiku

www.sepithemovie.com

p/s: memang I tengah sepi. So this song will be my theme song for the moment. I'm fighting it. I don't know how am I feeling actually, it is just so complicated. Am I gonna be like Sufi for the rest of my life? Or should be like Adam? But at least Adam gets what he wants eventually. I have never..

KL FEST

2008-06-28T13:18:00.001+08:00

I’m so tired. I’m so tired waking up in the morning (morning ke?) feeling all exhausted. Tonight will be the first show out of two that we (the National Choir team) are going to do. Last night full dress rehearsal was a major disaster.

I hate dealing (indirectly) with fucked up event organizers. The organizer of this particular event (the launching of Kuala Lumpur Festival 2008) is so stupid. Why? Here’s why:

1. Why the hell do you want to do an event launching in front of KLCC’s fountain? Do you know how small the area is? How congested it’s gonna be? Okay, fine, maybe you want to get as much attention as you can.

2. The stage is so fucking small yet they want to put hundreds of people on it. What the fuck?

3. I hate last minute changes. It’s freaking annoying when we had to do last minute changes. I know, I know it’s normal to do all that but please, no wonder lah takkan pernah dapat buat perfect show sebab banyak sangat idea idea ‘bernas’ dan ‘brilliant’ last last minute. Lepas tu expect others to follow. Tahu tak betapa penatnya mengikut arahan-arahan yang best tu? Lepas tu complaint we all perform tanpa energy. Are you freaking kidding me?

4. Stop membebel can you?(to theperson who has been membebel since forever). You voice annoys me. Like BIG TIME!

5. Who wears a coat/blazer while dancing? Kalau cantik takpe lah jugak. Luckilly the idea of wearing the blazer sudah di scrapped off. So we just have to wear the shirt. Yes, that freaking big shirt yang I hanya akan pakai sekiranya berat badan I naik dr 45 kg ke 70 kg!

6. Stop telling us we Nampak macam tak enjoy performing and dipaksa-paksa. Well, somehow we memang dipaksa-paksa pun kan. Buat itu, buat ini, gosh! A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G!

Biasalah. Government shows. Datuk sana datuk sini yang jadi pengarah untuk the event. Whatever!

Sigh.

I tried my very best to keep the positive energy by smiling and thinking about good stuffs. Luckilly I don’t have that much pressure feeling nervous performing in front a large audience (that is because I’m doing it with a group, so their attention will not be on me alone). I just want this freaking thing to end. I can’t wait for it though I know I will have to go through another week of you know what!

Talking about next week, unfortunately I won’t be able to join my Zianafolks friends pergi expedition ke Gua Tempurung though I memang BERHARAP sangat dapat pergi. I’m not a nature guy. Tak suka pergi hutan-hutan neh, panjat sana sini but bila I dah ada rasa dan mood dan keinginan untuk mecuba, masa pulak tak mengizinkan. Why? Why? Geram sangat. Especially bila membayangkan betapa seronoknya mereka mereka semua tu buat ekpedisi together. Arghh!!!

But as a professional, I have to be committed. I’m working so I have to have responsibilities terhadap kerja yang telah diberikan (I sounded so lame!). But still, do you know how I feel? Arghhh!!! Nak ikut!!!

Today, I am supposed to be in KLCC at 4. How amazing is that! Bukannya kena make up segala tapi still kena datang pukul 4. Nak buat latihan lagi lah tu kan sebab baaaaannnnnyyyyyaaaakkkkk sangat last minute changes! You all yang buat changes we all yang terseksa jiwa raga. Bayaran obviously lah ciput kan. Government, mesti punya!Lpeas tu dapat lagi 2-3 bulan kan? Mesti punya. Kalau sorang dibayar 3000, you all nak suruh I practice sampai pukul 2 pagi I sanggup. Janji bank I bertambah 3000. Berangan!

I’m not THAT pissed actually. Just that geram with everything. I’m tired, pastu not really well , and then kena buat show bangang malam neh, lepas tu tak dapat join the happening people next week etc etc. Sigh.

I thought off taking pictures last night tapi tak kuasa nak click sana sini. Malam ni jelah. Tu pun kalau ada mood. And someone is making me feeling all miserable.

p/s: Adi Luqman, you are so stupid for letting others to invade your mind. Don’t make the same mistake again!

Sepi

2008-06-27T10:39:00.002+08:00

SEPI

Lepaskan
Diriku ini jauh pergi
Jangan kau
Cuba tuk mencariku lagi
Derita yang kau cipta
Tiada terperi
Sakitnya dalam hati

Puisi
Indah darimu aku benci
Tak bisa
Untuk ku dengarinya lagi
Kau lukai jiwaku
Ku luka hatiku
Cukuplah sekali

Kau mendustai diri ini dengan dia
Kau membuat diri ini tak punya cinta
Mengapa harus begini
Kisah hidupku tak pernah lepas dari
Sepi

Cerita
Cintaku ini penuh duri
Tak daya
Untukku mengharungi lagi
Relakan segalanya
Biarku sendiri jalani
Sepi

...............

This is my 3rd original malay composition. Cerita lagu ini mengisahkan tentang seseorang yang telah didustai oleh kekasihnya. So cliché kan? But the song has its own meaning.

Why sepi? Because the main character in the song sentiasa sepi. Apabila cinta ditemui, sepinya hilang namun hatinya dilukai, maka sepilah lagi.

This song has been inspired by a story. A story told by a friend of mine about his past love. Yes, lagu ini juga di inspirasikan dari filem Sepi dan lagu tema filem itu, nyanyian Yuni Shara yang juga menggunakan tajuk yang sama. But the feeling of this song (my song) is more to frustration, disappointment selepas ditipu kekasih.

I will try to record the song as soon as I found the time to do it. Lagu English yang sebelum ini pun masih tak dapat I record lagi. Couldn’t find the right time. Been very busy with choir practices.
Tonight will be the full dress rehearsals of our performance for tomorrow night’s event. I hate dress rehearsals because you will have to act as if you are performing for the real thing and you’d have to wear the costume. I tried the costume last night and it sucks. The blazer is awful and the shirt is downright ugly. I wish I could just throw those things away. Major fashion crime! Another thing, How can we dance sambil pakai blazer yang buruk nak mamp*s tu? Ahh…craziness!

Anyway, I just can’t wait untuk habiskan this whole thing. Yeah! Memang busy gila sampai I sakit sakit. Luckilly semua orang sangat best dan fun. Tak sabar nak pergi Perhentian for my vacay. I want to rest and enjoy myself.

p/s: Tak sabar nak tengok filem Sepi. I think I wanna watch it this Sunday. With? Hmmm ..hahaha

Dia

2008-06-26T12:45:00.000+08:00

I just woke up. I’m not well. I have been coughing for days. I ada sore throat sikit.

I just changed my layout again. This time, I want it to be clean.

On Tuesday night, my car (my car?) wasn’t available for me to guna untuk pergi choir practice. So I had to tumpang of my colleagues. She said she can drop me dekat Istana Budaya. I was so glad because nak jalan kaki dari star lrt titiwangsa station ke Istana Budaya boleh membuatkan satu badan basah dengan peluh yang melekit-lekit. So I tak sanggup nak buat tu lagi. Lagipun takkan ada teksi yang baik hati nak hantar pergi ke IB dari sana. I hate cabs! Mereka tu bukan public transport pun. Menyusahkan aje!

Back to my story.

So lepas habis practice, I asked a favor from my choir mates to drop me off dekat lrt titiwangsa. And she did. So kind of her. It was 11 something at night. I was seriously tired. Tengah dekat station tu, orang tak berapa ramai. When I was enjoying the city scenery at night, suddenly teringat dekat dia. Yes, dia.

Because pernah sekali dia dropkan I dekat Titiwangsa station lepas hang out sesame. I still remember, it was raining at that time. Then dia message cakap kalau boleh dia tak mahu I balik lagi. Good ol’ days. Memories that I kept inside, still fresh macam baru berlaku semalam (so cliché!) walaupun dah 2 tahun berlalu.

Wow, 2 years!

That day I ternampak video dia dekat youtube. Funny though. Masa tulah start teringat dekat dia. Damnation!

Now, I memang dah tak fikir pasal dia. Sekali sekala je bila buat benda atau pergi ke sesuatu tempat yang I pernah buat dan pergi dengan dia. And bila orang-orang lain tanya pasal dia, I cakap saje I tak tau (memang tak tau ape ape pun).

Cuma lately neh asyik pulak teringat dekat dia. Maybe there is someone yang I kenal yang reminds me of dia. Walaupun perangai mungkin berbeza but ada something yang buatkan teringat dekat dia bila I dengan that someone. Sigh!

It’s okay. Abaikan.

Thank You

2008-06-23T11:10:00.002+08:00

It has been more than a week since I last posted anything. Walaupun I know that my blog tak ramai pembaca macam sesetengah blog yang lain tu, but this is where I mostly cerita about my life.

I’ve been busy with my choir rehearsals. Memang penat sangat. Luckily for the upcoming shows, we just need to sing 2 songs. One for the opening of Kuala Lumpur Music Festival in KLCC on the 28th June (this Saturday) and one more for the closing on the 6th July. We’re going to perform with the National Symphony Orchestra on that night. It’s gonna be a 30 minutes performance.

Apa yang menyebabkan I terasa penat sebab untuk opening performance tu, allof us have to dance. Yes, dance. Macam student AF tu. Ada choreography bagai. Memang sangat interesting and best but penatnye, god knows!

Dalam pada masa yang sama, still ada macam-macam benda yang jadi. The past week has been quite interesting for me. Juanita is pissed dekat Octavio sebab Octavio buat hal sikit. I memang dah tak kisah sangat pasal Octavio tu sebab he’s so different now. I mean, he’s so typical. I’m trying to not get involve too much with him. I believe it’s over.

I think I need to change my blog layout again. I’m getting bored with it. And it looks so sad to me. I have nothing to be sad now. I just want to enjoy my time doing good stuffs. I had a long talk with a friend of mine the other night. Never thought I would be telling him all the things I have told, but I felt better. I don’t know what he thinks about me. Never mind.

My mind has been occupied with many things lately. One of it was Alejandro. Well, still is I think but I’m getting used to the fact that I’m not gonna make anything happen due to the certain personal reasons. Yes, I am the one who is not going to make anything happen.

People might think I’m easy to be influenced and stuff. I may be. But I’m still holding on to my dignity and believing in it. I’m not bragging or anything like that. Although people tells you to just make use of your youth and have fun with it, but I don’t think I am like that. I have done mistakes in the past and I’m trying not to do it anymore. It’s hard to contain the feelings of wanting to be free and do anything you like but as a human being, as manusia, you have to know your roots. Remember where you came from and remember where you would end.

I’m not promising I’ll be good forever because I might break my own promise, but I will try my very best to stay true to myself and be good to others especially to my loved ones.

Judge me as much as you can. Praise me as much as you want. Hate me as long as you feel like it. Love me as much as you can. Thank you, that’s all I could say.

I Need A Miracle

2008-06-16T12:38:00.001+08:00

I’m not sure what I am feeling. As usual, I’m confused. Seriously I am.

I think I am the most confused human being in the whole wide world. I’m not ashamed for being who I am right now. It’s something that I can’t avoid. It’s my inner feeling and it has always been there for years. Not that I am happy with it, but I can’t do much about it. Maybe some people might say that I can get rid of it but they might not feel all the things that I am feeling. So, they don’t really know how the feelings are. If they were to be in my shoes, can they handle it? I doubt so.

There’re no words could describe my true feelings at the moment. After such a long time I have been flying under the radar, taking some time off the world, I felt so different. It was like I just committed a huge sin. But I didn’t do anything bad at all. Maybe small tiny little lies that I said just for the sake of not creating any problems. But I believe, lies are still lies. They are still wrong in every way. There’s not such thing as white lie, kan?

I’m not judging anyone. I don’t want to judge anyone. I want to be equal to everyone that I know. Whether they are normal or not, they deserve to be treated equally. But, here’s the thing, am I making the right decision to be involve with them? Ada ke yes or no answer for my question? I don’t know. It all comes back to my first statement. I don’t judge people. Who am I to judge them?

But sometimes I feel that I don’t fit in their world. It’s too much of a fantasy to me. So unreal, so fake and so full of hypocrites. Well, in any world, there are still hypocrites everywhere. Do they really know what they are doing? What world they are living in? Is it going to be forever? Is they are going to be happy doing the things that they have been doing?

I need to ask myself too. Is it worth a lifetime? God gave us only one chance to live. Only one.

My mind is spinning. I want to be the person that I wish I could be but I still have people that I love. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Their feelings are important. It would haunt me sometimes. But, sigh..I’m so confused.

Which I’d rather do?

Hurting their feelings so that I could have what I want to have? OR
Hurting my feelings so that they could be happy?

But either way, it will still be the same.

Do I need to live in suffer for the rest of my life?

Sometimes I wish I’m not here, in this world. Sometimes I wish I don’t have to be this deep and emotional. Sometimes I wish I could just be free.

So many things are stopping me to break free.

I’m still in this room. In this white empty room. Doors are everywhere. But which should I choose? I’m stuck in this room. I need a miracle.

Miracle.

Not Good Enough

2008-06-10T09:43:00.002+08:00

I've been hurt, I've been lied to, I've been fooled.

There's still a long way for me to go, but I ain't gonna let the same thing to happen again. The past has taught me a lot.

This is my second original english composition. The first one was quite stupid but this one is something. I wrote this song for somebody. So, I am dedicating this song to him.

In life we have our own destination to be reached. But the important thing is not the destination, but the journey that we are going to take.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH
By Adi Luqman

I thought you’re different
But you’re just the same
I thought you’re something
But you’re freaking nothing
O why is this happening?
O why? I am asking you
To give me an answer

Because of you my friend
My heart is hurting again
Am I not good enough to you?
Am I not good enough for you?
Because of you my friend
My heart is breaking again
Am I not good enough to you?
Am I not good enough for you?

I thought we’ll be good
But we’re not gonna (no!)
I ain’t got nothing more to say
But I just wanna tell you
How mad I am
Is this how it’s gonna end?

Because of you my friend
My heart is hurting again
Am I not good enough to you?
Am I not good enough for you?
Because of you my friend
My heart is breaking again
Am I not good enough to you?
Am I not good enough for you?

Listen to me
I ain’t dumb for you to fool
I got pride I keep my cool
Heart is fragile
ain’t gonna break no more

Out!

P Ramlee The Musical

2008-06-08T01:06:00.004+08:00

Last Saturday, I got the chance to watch the most talked musical show in town, P. Ramlee the Musical. A friend of mine memang baik gile belanja I tengok show tu dekat Istana Budaya. Thank you mate. Appreciate it show much. I memang teringin actually nak tengok show tu, just that I didn’t get the chance before this.

My friend chose the 3 o clock show. We arrived there on time. The show started at 3.15 pm.

I can sum the show up in one word. AMAZING!

Okay, here’s my review :

THE SET
The set was breathtakingly beautiful. I was amazed by the set. Especially set masa dekat dalam ruang tamu rumah P.Ramlee. It was so beautiful. I would say the sets are better than Puteri Gunung Ledang’s (The Musical).

THE STORY
There were some draggy and boring parts. But it was brilliantly covered by the actors and lagu lagu yang sedap. I won’t say the storyline was superb sebab I rasa macam ada moments yang betul-betul boleh menyentap emosi macam ditarik balik. How do I explain it? Hmm..it was like a yoyo. But It was still good though. There were few scenes yang masih lagi melekat in my mind. First, yang masa Musly nyanyi lagu ‘Hujan Di Tengahari’, selepas watak P.Ramlee bercerai dengan Junaidah. Second one, scene pergaduhan antara Norizan(Melissa Saila) dengan P. Ramlee(Musly). That particular was so intense, even I sendiri could feel them . It was THAT good. The third one was when after P.Ramlee bercerai dengan Norizan.Rasa-rasanya dia menyanyikan lagu Jeritan Batinku (terkesima sangat dengan keberkesanan scene sebelumnya sampai lupa lagu apa yang dia nyanyi). Rasa macam I was watching Dreamgirls. Masa Jennifer Hudson nyanyi lagi ‘And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going’. And the last one yang I suka adalah right after P.Ramlee nyanyi lagu Jeritan Batinku itu, the stage macam split kepada 2 bahagian. Bahagian atas, P.Ramlee tengah bersedih (kepala letak atas meja tu, frust tak ingat!), dan di bahagian bawah, Saloma (Liza Hanim) tengah menyayi lagu yang sangat sedap tapi I don’t know what’s the title of the song. Those were the acts yang I betul betul suka. It was like watching an international show.

THE SONGS
I like almost all of the songs! The new compositions were fantastic. Liza Hanim was superby amazing. Her voice buat I rasa melayang. I love her voice. Atilia was really good too. My perception towards her talent jadi berubah lepas dengar dia menyanyikan lagu-lagu dalam show tu dengan sungguh bagus sekali. I love her voice. Emelda, better known as an actress, did deliver her song fantastically. Props to her. She was gorgeous and I belive her portrayal as Azizah is much more better than Siti Nurhaliza (though Siti has way much better voice). But Emelda’s was really sweet. Good choice. Personailiti Emelda lebih kena dengan isi lagu Azizah; Rupa kamu yang cantik/Mata kamu yang bulat. Perfect!

THE CAST
Perfect! That’s all I could say. Musly was really good. Liza Hanim was great. Melissa Saila was flawless. I don’t anything else to say about the actor. Each one of them delivered. Brilliant!

So to those yang masih belum tengok show ni, kalau anda peminat musical show, this one memang kena tengok. Congratulations to the production team. Tiara has just showed to world that Malaysia Truly Boleh!

Coolness! A perfect 5 stars

Not Ready To Make Nice

2008-06-07T09:09:00.006+08:00

NOT READY TO MAKE NICE
Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

Whenever I'm frustrated with anything, whenever I'm mad with anyone, this would be my song. And this is my song for now. It has all the anger, all the frustrations, all the disappointments, delivered in a very fantastic way.

I'm still mad. Memang macam remeh, kecil, tak penting, but still, why?

Guess you're not THAT different. In fact, you are exactly the same!

The Wrong Way

2008-06-07T00:56:00.004+08:00

I don’t know why I’m feeling so miserable. I don’t like what I’m feeling and I feel like smacking or punching something.

I’m a kind of person yang tak suka melayan ego I. I akan kawal ego I sebaik mana I mampu sebab I don’t like my keegoan to control me. Sebab kalau ego tu terlalu tinggi dalam diri seseorang, terutamanya lelaki, it will ruin yourself.

You would always think that you won’t commit anything wrong, and you’ll be selfish, you’ll be arrogant and full of pride and you’d never admit that you are wrong. I don’t want to be any of that. I’m not saying I am a good person, or I’m perfect (coz nobody is) but I just don’t wanna be seen as someone yang ada semua tu sebab I benci mereka-meraka yang ada semua tu.

How would you react if you rasa diri you telah somehow diperbodohkan? Especially oleh orang yang you rasa you’re comfortable with. Someone that you trust. How’d you feel? Imagine that. You ikhlas untuk mengenali, mendekati dan mempercayai, tapi ended up you tahu yang you macam dipermainkan.

That is when ego I telah diusik. Dan I paling tak suka bila orang mengusik ego I. Provoke it. Because I tak suka my feeling at that time dan I tak suka dengan the situation. It makes me feel stupid, low and desperate.

I have few principles in life, dan one of it is, I don’t mind if you want to lie to me, or want to hide anything from me. I wouldn’t mind at all. It’s up to you to do that. You can do as many times as you like. You nak tipu pasal benda kecil ke, atau besar ke, apa ke, terpulang. BUT, jangan sampai SEKALI KALI I dapat tahu the truth, because ONCE I know the real thing, the real truth, and I tahu yang you were hiding or lying it to me all this while,(lebih lebih lagi kalau my trust dekat you dah kuat, dan I mula untuk berasa selasa dengan you) memang dalam sekelip mata la perasaan I boleh berubah.

I’m over reacting. YES! I’m entitled to. Because, I ikhlas melakukan sesuatu. Susah sangat ke untuk jujur dengan I? All the good things yang I dah buat, tak sikit pun I mintak balasan, CUMA I nak kejujuran. That’s all. You don’t have to tell me EVERYTHING, but please don’t act like you know nothing.

Sudahlah I have put up with all the act and I sendiri terpaksa mengawal keadaan, sampai terpaksa untuk menjadi pretender hanya semata-mata tidak mahu sebarang masalah timbul, ini yang I dapat? Rasa diperbodohkan. Ish. Only god knows how I’m feeling. I feel so dumb.

Why? Am I not good enough for you? Or am I being too good to you? Me being good, scares the hell out of you?

I have never once tried to ruin what you have, because I know I am not that kind of person. Mungkin pernah terlintas dalam fikiran I untuk just jadi super bitch, but I tahu mana tempat I dan I don’t want to lose anyone anymore. Cukup lah I pernah kehilangan someone yang I sayang, I don’t want the same thing to happen again.

Sigh, dah tawar hati untuk percaya kat siapa siapa lagi. Penat dah get involve dalam semua ini. Saying goodbye is the last thing I would do, but if my heart is constantly being hurt, being ripped off by the people that I love and care, I don’t know if I’d have any other choice or not.

I’m not asking much, but please, don’t ever do this kind of thing to me again. Keeping the truth as a secret so that others could be happy is hard enough for me. I’m tired playing these games. I feel unappreciated, as a person, as a friend.

I’m so sleepy. And so frustrated, so disappointed.

You’re slowly coming out of you shell. Wish I could just throw you back to the sea but I can’t. I’ve known you for some time and I have always waited for you to show me your true self. You did, but in a wrong way. Just, the wrong way.

Taking Chances

2008-06-06T10:46:00.003+08:00

TAKING CHANCES
Celine Dion

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

I'm dedicating this to a soul.

Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking, Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.

Leanne Womack

Should I take the chance? Are there actually any chances for me?

Or should I just, let it go. Something I always got to do. Let it fly like a pretty butterfly. And hoping it would come back to me even though I know, it will never going to happen.

*wonders*

The Petrol Effect

2008-06-05T09:00:00.003+08:00

Last night was a disaster. Our government went crazy. Earlier in the evening, they announced the new price of the petrol. A shocking 40% increase from the current price. And they went crazier by announcing that the new price will be effective, right after 12 midnight! Semua orang jadi gila.

Semalam I ada latihan koir lagi. So supposedly, I have to be at the IB pukul 8 malam. I didn’t know that apa-apa masa I balik kerja. I thought it’s gonna be a normal day macam biasa. So I pun keluar rumah to go to IB at 7 something. And guess what? The traffic was super heavy, jalan jam macam heaven! Tension gila!

I sampai IB pukul 9 malam. Imagine that! IMAGINE!!!! Craziness I tell you. I’m not gonna say that the government is stupid for increasing the petrol price but they are definitely killing themselves. As a person who uses the public transport almost every single day, I couldn’t care less about the price hike. It’s not gonna give a me a huge impact. But to other people, I feel sorry for them somehow.

Anyway, I didn’t hear anything from Octavio yesterday. Somehow I didn’t feel anything. And I pun tak sibuk sibuk nak dengar anything. I have to get use to it. I occupied my mind with other things. It’s not that I’m neglecting the feeling; I just do not want to layan it. Kalau I layan, berjela-jela nanti.

I have a wish list. Yeah, my birthday lambat lagi, but I saja saja buat a wish list. Memang I wish I could these things. Just that I can’t afford to have it…yet. I don’t know when. Sedih! What are the things?

1. ~~A car~~(tak jadi sebab petrol dah naik)

2. Macbook

(yes, memang smart!)

3. An Iphone

4. A digital camera

Itu jelah kot. The rest are still under consideration whether I want to put them in the list or not. Hopefully, by next year I could get some of the things.

Okay, enough with the wish list thingie.

Anyway, lately ni, I have been listening to a song. Weird though, because I used to somehow hate the song. But the song reminds me of someone. It reminds me of Angelo. Don’t know how dia sekarang. Nilah lagu yang I tengah suka sekarang ni.

TAK KU DUGA
Saiful & Misha Omar

Tak pernah ku duga satu saat jatuh cinta
Pada saat suramku menyapa di hatiku
Mungkinkah masih ada, oh cinta indah buatku
Sedangkan sepi menemaniku

Buanglah sepimu menjadi sekuntum rindu
Aku akan mengisi ruang hatimu kasih
Cinta ini buatmu
Hati ini buatmu
Di sini ada cinta buatmu

Ku cinta kamu, ku sayang kamu
Untuk selama-lamanya di hatiku

Menyayangimu…mencintaimu

Benarkah ini kasih
Kebahagiaan kita miliki
Oh….oh…

Pintaku padamu jujurlah oh ke akhirnya
Agar asmara kekal abadi dalam hati

Kekasih ku berjanji
Menemanimu nanti
Demi cinta indah ini kasih

Aku hanya mampu berdoa
Takdir ini buat kita

Menuju bahagia
Kita miliki cinta…

Kekasih ku berjanji
Menemanimu nanti

Demi cinta indah ini kasih

No. I’m getting sad now. Better stop. Gotta go. Out!

Pissed

2008-06-04T10:39:00.002+08:00

I’m quite pissed with Malaysia Airlines, Maybank, my internet connection, my dad’s credit card, myself and few other things. Why? Here’s why.

As you may have been informed by me, I’m planning to go to Perhentian Island in July. I have decided to NOT take the bus to go there as it will take approximately 9 freaking hours to reach Kuala Besut jetty. I’m NOT a fan of express buses. To be honest, I’m afraid taking the bus. I dunno why, I just don’t like it. It’s not like a phobia or fear or anything like it, it is just that I don’t like to use it.

Okay, back to my story. So after few considerations and after checking the price offered by Malaysia Airlines and Air Asia, I decided to take MAS to fly from Kuala Lumpur International Airport to Kota Bharu Airport and I will be taking Air Asia to fly back to KL from there.

At first, the price offered online by MAS is RM0.00! What I need to pay is only the tax and etc. So the total amount is only RM85.00 per person. Isn’t that cheap? No. It’s FREAKING cheap! So yesterday masa kat office I dah try nak purchase, but I ada problem dengan my dad punya credit card (no, I don’t have a cc because I’m still under 21). Then I tried guna Maybank2u.com. Suddenly dia mintak TAC. That stupid number! So I pun masa nak balik rumah pergilah ambil that stupid number from the ATM machine.

Sampai dekat rumah dah 6.15 pm. And suddenly, I can’t use my internet, sebab connection macam hanjeng! Arghhh!! I waited for 30 minutes untuk dia connect. I ada practice last night, so I had to leave home as early as possible. Dalam pukul 7.15 baru connection okay but slow nak mampos! I tak boleh nak buat apa apa sebab I’m afraid I’d be late so I decided to purchase the tickets later at night.

The practice was okay by the way. It was cool. Syafinaz was great. The practice habis dalam nak dekat pukul 11 pm. I kena cari Maybank ATM again to get the TAC number.

Sampai dekat rumah almost 11.30 pm. I tried to access the websites, boleh.. but slow tahap sial. (Pardon my language guys. Refer to the first line of post earlier ti understand why).

So after dah isi all the particulars (dah happy sangat dah ni sebab in the end dapatlah nak purchase MAS and Air Asia online kan…KONON!) I pergilah dekat payment punya section. Okay, here comes the best part. MAS payment page, loading tak habis-habis. Lama gila! Air Asia punya was okay. They asked me to click the Maybank2u button to make the payment. I was quite happy.

Dengan happy-nya I clcked the button. Maybank2u page poped up but guess what? I can’t make the payment because the site was under scheduled maintenance! WTF!!!!!! (By the way, masa tu, MAS punya site tak finish load lagi. Imagine that!). Great-ness kan?

I dan mengantuk sangat-sangat and dah letih. So I threw everything away and bermimpi untuk purchase the ticket in the morning. I woke up this morning, MAS punya page still loading macam hanjeng. So I said to myself, buat dekat office.

The first thing I buat masa dah sampai office, try to purchase MAS tickets. To make things more interesting than it has been, the pricing has been changed. CHANGED! INCREASED! MORE EXPENSIVE! Arghhh! Just what I need to start my day!

Dengan rasa sedih, I terpaksa melupakan hasrat untuk menaiki MAS masa pergi Perhentian nanti. Now I terpaksa guna Air Asia yang agak bangang tu untuk pergi dan balik. Why? Why? I just wish I ada extra money to be wasted, so that I akan beli je ticket MAS tu. Damn! Benci semuanya!

Now I’m feeling slightly better sebab dah purchase all the tickets. I’ll be leaving on 13th July at 0730 from KL and will be coming back on the 15th July from KB. My flight is scheduled at 1500.

Begitulah my experience beli online tickets. Moral of the story….emm… entah?

I nak blame apa ek? I can’t blame anything kot. Maybe it is meant to be for me not to use MAS. Kesian kan? Just like it is meant to be for me to know Octavio, Juanita , Alejandro, and Paulina. Who is Alejandro? And who the hell is Paulina?

It’s a secret.

That’s all for now. I have to finish up my listings stuff. Damn it~

Blank

2008-06-03T17:00:00.000+08:00

Octavio dah macam biasa balik. Well, I’m not expecting anything pun. Just take it as it is lah kan. What I did pun, I’m not hoping for anything in return.

I guess I’m slowly letting go of all the things. As long as nothing unusual jadi, I think everything will turn out to be good. Well, just wait and see what will happen when Octavio is gone. I know somehow that I’m going to miss Octavio. Just that I’m not sure how much will I miss Octavio. I believe it’s not wrong for me to feel that. Right?

Octavio is different from what I have seen before this. Maybe that’s why.

I’ll be going for my practice tonight. Tak study lagi pun lagu tu. Matilah!

Shoes, Shoes

2008-06-01T10:42:00.007+08:00

Yesterday, as usual, I was feeling all bored, so I decided to go to KLCC. I didn’t plan to buy anything. But I ended up buying something.

I have a thing for shoes. I don’t know why, but I just love shoes. At the moment, I have 7 pairs of shoes. I’m not sure whether that’s a lot or not, but to me, it is. And I just added up one more in my shoe collection. So in total now, I have 8 pairs of lovely shoes.

Isetan ada and this particular shoe that I bought yesterday was on discount! Thank god! I’m a fan of white shoes and I’ve been looking for another white pair of shoes for quite some time and I found it yesterday. Yay!

*I dah edit the brand name. Haha!*

Nice ain’t it? And it’s comfortable too.

And here’s a pic of my shoes collection. Lalalala :P

I had my lunch (late one) at The Apartment Downtown. The food was really good. I had this Chicken & Mushroom Pasta. It was fantastic. I tak sempat nak ambil gambar sebelum makan, so I just got this pic, selepas makan. Haha.

*yes, I tak makan tomato*

After my lunch, I went to watch a movie called The Orphanage. It was excellent. Quite scary. I had to tutup muka few times. Haha!

And suddenly, ada benda buat I rasa tak selesa. Sangat! It was pretty annoying makes my jiwa go kacau for a while. Stoopid! It was like purposely done. Boooooo! Whatever. You think I’d be jealous?
(Emm…I was actually..damn!)

I don’t know lah. I thought I’m done with that business but I’m still dealing with it rupanya. How cruel that business is!

Dah la. Tak larat nak layan semua tu. Benci! Argh!

Selamat Tinggal Cinta

2008-05-30T12:26:00.000+08:00

I have been down for no apparent reason for the last few days. Maybe I do know the reason why but it’s hard for me. But I’m feeling slightly better today. Maybe because it’s Friday? Thank god it is.

I have decided to change my travel plan to Perhentian Island. Initially, I planned to go on June 27-29 to be exact but then my dad told me that he’s probably gonna be away during that time. He might be going to Gold Coast or Istanbul so it’s impossible for me to leave my mom and sis alone at home during that time. My dad also told me that he has already proposed the plan to the mayor and apparently the mayor has agreed. So I had to change my travel dates to 20th June until the 22nd June.

But after making some considerations and calculations, I think it’s better for me to go in July. So apa lagi, tukar lah lagi sekali! So now, I’ll be going to Perhentian on the 12th of July. Yay! Hopefully everything will be okay.

Anyway, I’m currently working on my third song. I have another song in mind but that song is quite hard for me to sing so I decided to put it on hold first and concentrate on this song. The working title of my new song is “Selamat Tinggal Cinta”. If my dad is available tonight, I might record it later at night so I can post it here as soon as possible.

Here’s the lyrics of the song :

Terbelah sudah rasa
Hatiku ini
Saat ku lihat dirimu
Dengan dia

Terhabis sudah rasa
Cintaku ini
Saat ku tahu
Kau berdusta

Mengalir airmata
Tanpa ku menyedarinya

C/O
Berjalan aku pergi
Tinggalkan dirinya
Berakhir semua ini
Selamat tinggal cinta
Cukuplah di sini
Jiwaku untuknya
Berakhir semua ini
Selamat tinggal cinta

I might add few more lines soon. So, tunggu ya!

Gotta go now. Cheers~

Untuk Pertama Kali

2008-05-30T08:20:00.000+08:00

Aku temukan lagi sebuah cinta
Di dalam aura hadirmu
Aku rasakan kelembutan hati
Di mimpi indah kasihmu

Kita bisa nikmati rasa ini
Walau segalanya jelas terlarang
Kita bisa saling menyayangi dan mencoba
Tak perduli keadaan ini

Dan untuk pertama kali
Cintaku terbagi
Dan kuingin milikinya

Dan untuk pertama kali
Kusangkali janji
dan bahagia mencintainya

Untuk Pertama Kali, Kerispatih

Realize

2008-05-29T14:10:00.003+08:00

Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
Then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now

It's not always the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
Then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

If you just realize what I just realized

Realize, Colbie Caillat

This one is for you.

Rantings

2008-05-28T10:56:00.003+08:00

I can't actually believe that time flies really fast. It is almost half of the year.
I'll be entering my 7th month working with this company. It has been quite a rollercoaster ride for me.

Saya tak pasti apa yang saya rasa sekarang ini, tapi yang nyata banyak benda yang telah berubah. Banyak benda yang saya dah belajar dan kenyataannya ada antara benda-benda itu buat saya lebih kenal erti kehidupan sebenar.

I've recently met few new people.

Orang orang yang saya tak pernah kenal before this. But they are definitely very nice people. Well, everyone has their own flaws and I certainly won't be judging them based on that.

At this age, people might say that I'm still young and I have a long way to go. People might tell me to just enjoy this period of time and don't think about unnecessary matters. Tapi saya rasa mungkin pendapat mereka salah. I'm not a boy anymore. I'm a grown up person. Age is just a number.

Usia tak menunjukkan tahap sebenar diri seseorang. You can be a 40 year old guy, but you might have an attitude yang selalunya ada pada kanak-kanak yang berusia 9 tahun. Kan? We never know.

To be matured is important. It will help you to deal with your life crisis, problems and etc. Saya tak cakap yang saya sedang menempuhi sebarang life crisis but I know I am having a crisis. Saya tak tahu apa yang saya nak pada waktu ini.

There are so many things in my mind. Saya tak pasti apa yang patut saya buat. Perlu atau tidak untuk saya memikirkan perkara-perkara itu atau saya seharusnya biarkan benda-benda itu pergi dengan secara sendiri.

It can be distracting somehow.

Saya perlukan sesuatu yang saya tak tahu apa yang saya inginkan. Saya inginkan sesuatu yang saya tidak tahu apa yang saya cari. Saya cari sesuatu yang belum lagi saya jumpa.

Bila saya lihat kehidupan orang lain yang ada disekeliling saya, somehow saya rasa jealous dengan kehidupan mereka. I do know that they have thier own problems to handle but sometimes I feel that I don't have what they have. I feel empty.

June is coming. I'm not sure whether I'll be accepted to join the National Choir or not, but if I do get chosen, it's gonna be a hectic month for me. I guess it will do me good because it will somehow help to get my mind of something that I have been thinking of all this while.

That something yang saya ingat saya dah mampu untuk hapuskan tapi masih tetap ada. Tak pasti kenapa sebab benda itu bukanlah bagus sangat. Entahlah.
I'm gonna end this here for now. Jiwa kacau. Kan?

He

2008-05-28T08:54:00.003+08:00

He's more than just a guy.
More than just an average guy

Every blink of his eyes
Like the glittering stars in the sky

His smile weakens every veins
It's beautiful you won't feel the pain

His smell is intoxicating
It's dangerous, am not lying

How could you resist?
Something that brings you bliss

The thought of him makes you dream
It makes you just wanna scream

How deep you feel you can't tell
You just have to hide it well

Oh no you can't take it no more
The pressure is up, you try to ignore

Deep in your heart there's a love you feel
The feelings so strong it seems unreal

What do you do when you're alone?
The strength you've had now it's gone

Will he ever know?
The secret hidden you'll never show

Till the last moment you will see
Hoping you'll set the feelings free

But you know eventually you'd cry
For you have to say the last goodbye

Who is he?
I don't know

Falling Again

2008-05-27T11:27:00.004+08:00

I'm tired with this madness.

When I'm just about to get over things, something else comes. It's weird. Am I not learning from my experience or this kind of madness "loves" to haunt me?

Now I have to do things all over again. I don't wanna be in this battle of emotions anymore. It's so tiring. I should be numb by now, but I'm not. Wish I could so that I don't have to feel any pain.

I'm not weak. I know that. I shouldn't be thinking, hoping or wanting something unnecessary and uncertain.

Falling again? Man, you gotta change.Or you'll be in the same trouble for-ever! Seriously.

Something New

2008-05-25T12:22:00.001+08:00

Hello people,

I've decided to change my blog's template. What do you guys think?

Sampai Mati

2008-05-22T08:39:00.005+08:00

This is my second original composition.

SAMPAI MATI

Maafkan aku kerna terlewat waktu
Untuk diriku mengaku kesilapanku
Kini kau telah tiada
Sukarnya untuk ku terima
Cinta dikau hadir
Untuk sekejap saja

C/O
Sampai mati
Ku bawa cinta ini
Sampai mati
Kan ku simpan sesal ini
Luluh hatiku mengenangmu
Tak mungkin bisa ku melupakan dirimu

Ku tak sengaja buatmu terluka
Bukan niatku untuk buatmu kecewa
Aku tahu kau derita
Maafkanlah diriku oh cinta
Kau hadir untuk sekejap saja

C/O
Sampai mati
Ku bawa cinta ini
Sampai mati
Kan ku simpan sesal ini
Luluh hatiku mengenangmu
Tak bisa lagi ku melupakan dirimu

Tak mampu lagi untukku menanggung rindu ini
Bila ku merasakan sakitnya
Tak akan lagi bisa terbuka hatiku ini
Untuk menerima cinta..

C/O
Sampai mati
Ku bawa cinta ini
Sampai mati
Kan ku simpan sesal ini
Luluh hatiku mengenangmu
Tak bisa lagi ku melupakan dirimu

Music & Lyrics : Adi Luqman

Ilham Di Matamu

2008-05-20T08:15:00.003+08:00

I'm not really a fan of Mila but I do appreciate her talent. She is a good singer with a huge potential to be better. I was rooting for her during her days in AF5 because she showed effort and improvements.

This particular song has been playing on my Ipod non stop. I don't know what's so special about this song. It doesn't really mean anything to me as the storyline doesn't relate to my real life situation but there is something about this song. The melody to me is just perfect. The lyrics are good. The emotion in this song is fantastic. Everything about this song is good to me. That's why I'm sharing it here. Enjoy the song and the video. This song is gonna be huge.

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

2008-05-19T20:13:00.004+08:00

I never want to use this song to express my feeling. But I feel like doing it now.

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.

The first time ever I saw your face, your face,
your face, your face

Tak Bisa Memilihmu

2008-05-15T08:21:00.000+08:00

Telah jauh terpisah, diriku dan dirimu,
Dalam ruang dan waktu,
Sendiriku jalani sepiku, tanpa dirimu,
Resahku tanpa hadirmu,
Sungguh berat hatiku untuk merasakannya

Salahku mencintai dirinya saat jauhku terpisah
Darimu,Dan hadirnya menyentuh hatiku,
Untuk cintainya,
Hatiku pun inginkannya,
Hingga runtuh setiaku kepada dirimu

Kusakiti hatimu yang tulus mencintaiku

Maaf ku tak bisa memilih dirimu
Karena kuterhanyut mencintai dia
Inilah salahku yang memberi ruang
Didalam hatiku tuk mencintainya

Terhanyut jiwa ini,Terjatuh dihatinya

Tak Bisa Memilihmu,6ixth Sense

Yang Kau Cinta

2008-05-12T09:33:00.010+08:00

Salahku mengingin dirimu
Biar jelas kau bukan milikku
Ku cuba 'tuk menahan resah hati
Daripada menanggung rindu ini

Berperang aku
Dengan diriku
Tewas lagi jiwa ini
Beralah aku
Dengan dinginmu
Biarku ku pergi
Undurkan diri

Salahku mengharap dirimu
Biar nyata kau milik dirinya
Aku cuba 'tuk memujuk pilu hatiku
Daripada menanggung rasa rindu

Cubalah untuk kau mengerti
Dan cubalah kau 'tuk fahami
Mengapa aku merasa begini

Berperang aku
Dengan diriku
Tewas lagi jiwaku ini
Beralah aku
Dengan dinginmu
Biarku ku pergi
Undurkan diri

Dan disini ku akhiri rasa
Lelah sudah ku tanggung semua
Ku mengharap
Engkau kan terus bahagia
Bersama dia
Yang kau cinta

Music & Lyrics : Adi Luqman 13/05/2008

This is actually a song. My first original composition. I have recorded it last night but I haven't got the chance to upload it properly. I'll do it tonight.

It might sound a lil bit like an old skool malay song from the 90s. Haha. Cut me some slack ya? :P

The song has its own meaning. It's about someone who is...not to say in love..but having some feelings for someone else but unfortunately that someone is taken and this person actually knows about it. Just that, this person can't do much about it because the other person is sometimes being cold. So this person decides to just keep the feelings inside and move on with life, although it's very hard. Typical? Maybe. But this person has no other choice.

The song is a bit gloomy. I imagine it to be accompanied by a piano and violins. Maybe an acoustic guitar also. Wah. How nice eh?

*Updated*
Here's the song. Enjoy!

YANG KAU CINTA

For You

2008-05-12T08:40:00.003+08:00

Dinginnya getaran asmara
Sentuhan mula bermadah
Ku tak bisa juarai
Jiwa yang ku tak punya

Dinginnya bila kau berkata
Ruang buat ku tiada
Memoriku gengamilah
Biarkan aku beralah

Dingin, Ziana Zain

Ku cuba redakan relung hati
Bayangmu yang berlalu pergi
Terlukis di dalam kenangan
Bebas bermain di hatiku

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan kau pergi
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

Hanya Kau Yang Mampu, Aizat

Truth, Secrets and Lies

2008-05-09T16:18:00.000+08:00

It’s hard when you know the truth but you can never be honest about it. You have to keep it to yourself and pretend that you know nothing but the real truth is, you do know something.

How are you supposed to contain your feelings when it has been bothering you every now and then? This feeling is enormous. It’s like a time bomb. Waiting to explode. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to the secrets and lies. I have told myself not to be a part of any complicated matters that will complicates my heart but I have, unintentionally.

I wish I could just come clean but I can’t because it will ruin every-single-thing. I don’t want to lose anything anymore. I am tired of losing. But how could I win it? Seems impossible.

Wish I could let you know my buddy. Wish I could.

One Last Chance

2008-05-07T09:06:00.007+08:00

At the moment, I'm trying to fix my life. All this while, it has been quite a mess, at least to me. I have been feeling blue all the time. My emotions are unstable. There are so many things on my mind. It bothers me to know that I can't solve my own problem. But the truth is, I couldn't explain what my problem is. It's very hard for me to have these feelings and it's complicated. I don't know how long it will last but I just hope somehow it will go away so that I can just move on with my life. Although I can forsee it to vanish, maybe in a few weeks time, but the thought of bearing the pain is just so painful to me.

I'm trying to find peace in my heart. I'm trying hard. I just want everything to be better.

When I'm sad or not in a happy condition, I always listen to songs. It calms me down and it will somehow put my mind off things that I have been focusing on. Although sometimes, the meaning of the songs does relate to the real situation that I'm facing. How good eh?

I have been a fan of James Morrison since the first time I heard his song on the radio. His voice is very soothing to me. I started to look for his other songs. I got his whole album and I can tell you, every single song in the album is worth listening.

One of his songs that I love so much is 'One Last Chance'. It's a brilliant song with a very deep meaning. Here's the lyric of the song :

In my life I don't mean much to anyone
I've lost my way can't go
back anymore
Once I had everything now it's gone
Don't tell me again coz
I've heard it all before

Some people say that I'm not worth it
I've made mistakes but nobody's perfect
Guess I'll give it a try

I've got one last chance to get myself together
I can't lose no more time it's now or never
And I try to remember who I used to be
I've got one more chance to get
myself together

The time has come for me to change again
I can't carry on like this, I will lose my friends
Don't say that you have given up on me
Just give me the time and space to heal my head

I don't wanna be misunderstood
I've got to take this chance and make it into something good

Beautiful I'd say.

There are also few other songs by different artiste that has been playing on my Ipod at the moment. Every single one touches my heart in its own way.

1. Cukuplah Sekali - Jay Jay/Carefree (It's so sad)
2. Tak Bisa Memilihmu - 6ixth Sense (Ahh..the piano..the lyrics...)
3. Berhenti Berharap - Sheila On 7 (I can play half of this song!)
4. Kerana - Alleycats (reminds me of someone)
5. Senandung Semalam - Alleycats (such a sad love song)
6. Setahun Sudah Berlalu - Alleycats ( gosh..why so sad!)
7. Seribu Bintang - Alleycats (reminds me of that person)
8. Ketulusan Hati - Anuar Zain (am i in love with you?)
9. Tinggalkan Aku - Anuar Zain ( such a nice song)
10. Teman Terulung - Anuar Zain (wish I could have one)
11. The Pieces Don't Fit Here Anymore - James Morrison ( very deep song)
12. Dealova - Once (my all time favorite)

I'm a hopeless romantic, I know. Haha.

I'll be away this weekend. just for two days. It's not really far from KL. I've been looking forward to have a break although this one is not the one that I have been hoping for. It's okay for me. I hope I'll get the opportunity. I just need sometime away from everything. Maybe to an island far away. Haha. Dont know. Been thinking that but my parents certainly would not allow me to go alone. But I don't have anyone to go with. Well, I don't have anyone interested to go with me. How pathetic.

Erm. Hopefully, I'll manage to get myself together. InsyaAllah. That's all for now. Cheers~

Assalamualaikum.

A Hole In My Heart

2008-05-03T21:48:00.002+08:00

My 2nd Artwork : A Hole In My Heart

Loneliest Fantasy?

2008-05-03T20:04:00.003+08:00

I really cant remember when was the last time I painted something. Back when I was a kid, I love to draw and paint. I was quite artistic. Haha. After such a long time, I started to paint again. Well, I barely can remember how to hold a brush. Besides singing, this is another way for me to express my feelings and emotions. By drawing, and painting. Here's my first artwork. I dunno what's the title it but I love it so much. Maybe I'm gonna call it, Loneliest Fantasy? Maybe. But it doesn't make any sense. Haha!

Cant Get You Outta My Mind

2008-05-02T14:27:00.002+08:00

It's like a drug

Trying hard to control

It seems impossible

Can't get you outta my mind

What am I supposed to do?

My Heart

2008-04-30T12:37:00.005+08:00

I'm walking, walking alone
This empty street, everyone's gone
How should I hold on?
When my heart is breaking
And my heart is bleeding

You came to me
With a light
You invaded me
I couldn't fight
Oh please I'm hurting
Don't you know my soul is dying?

Now I'm walking, walking away
From the world, I couldn't stay
I wish I could have your touch
That I've been wanting so much

This feeling is unintended
It's uninvited
But I know I'm not wanted
So I'm leaving with all these feelings
I have to bury, oh I'm crying

Oh dear wish I could show
I wish I could let you know
I've been praying but I can't let go
I'm stuck in between, I feel so low

This empty street is my heart....

Moga

2008-04-28T09:08:00.001+08:00

Moga kau tenang
Moga kau riang
Ditiap jalan
Ditiap ruang

Moga hatimu tidak keliru
Dalam memburu impianmu
Moga kau tahu yang mana satu
Untuk kau sentuh dan kau tuju

Jalan kau pilih moga yang terbaik
Jalan yang bakal memberimu bahagia
Jalan yang tidakkan mengundang derita

Aku iringi dengan restu dan doa
Semoga kita akan bertemu semula
Moga.. bertemu semula

Moga harimu selalu terang
Moga kau temu kedamaian

Jangan kau lupa dimana kau bermula
Jangan berdusta pada yang setia
Moga.. tiada yang terluka

Biarpun dikau jauh
Manapun kau berlabuh
Kuharap hatimu kan tabah
Dan jangan sesekali kau berubah
Moga kau tetap seperti yang dulu

Jalan yang tidakkan mengundang derita
Jangan kau lupa dimana kau bermula
Jangan berdusta kepada yang setia
Moga.. tiada yang terluka

Moga kau tenang
Moga kau riang

Moga, Farhan Azizan

Review AF6 6th Concert : Bye Bye Mama

2008-04-28T06:58:00.007+08:00

I’m disappointed. Wait, why should I be? It’s AF. I can’t be expecting each and every single one of the students to deliver a stellar performance every week. I didn’t really watch the concert that night because I was busy switching channels. But I did watch the repeat yesterday.

So who was the best? Let’s start the review. Pardon my language. I’m having a mood swing. Here we go.

8. Toi – Tak Bisakah

No surprise here. I changed the channel after watching him perform halfway. I didn’t get what he was singing. So I watched it again yesterday afternoon. Gosh. It was a bad karaoke for me. I’m sorry Toi, but you can’t sing. Please do what you do best, play the angklung. Just don’t sing anymore. Singing is not your thing and it will never be. Why is he still there? GET THE FREAKING OUT!

7. Stanly – Katakanlah

I still remember someone sang this song during AF3. I just can’t remember his name. But he did way much better than Stanly. Stanly’s version was all over the place. His runs ruined his performance. He was shooting everywhere. Pitchy. He needs to leave the academy as soon as possible. I’m getting nothing out of him. How sad because technically, he is supposed to be the best. OUT!

6. Nubhan – Generasiku

Better this week. But still not enough for me. I’m sorry. Nubhan, you have such a lovely tone, but you’re not improving enough. You need to focused and perhaps you need to be like Dora the Explorer. Why Dora? Because you need to explore. Explore your freaking unique tone! IN

5. Rina – Ular

I didn’t feel a thing when she was announced as the one who's gonnna leave the academy. I just felt that Toi was supposed to be out. Dang! She was just okay. She was mumbling almost half of the song. Her performance wasn’t interesting. It was like a bad impersonation of Anita Sarawak. Nothing spectacular about her performance. She seemed a bit over confident though. Good luck mama. IN

4. Alif – Ketahuan

I like this song. I like his performance. It was enough for me to put him in this spot. Technically, he’s improving. But he’s inconsistent. He still has a loooonnnggg way to go. IN

3. Nadia – Rama Rama

Adlin was right. Her performance was kind of over the top. It was like a machine gun shooting without stopping. But she was still good though there were some flat notes. Still she was one the best. But I still get the vibe that she’s trying TOO hard. Chill girl. IN

2. Riz – Seribu Tahun

I love this song to death! Riz tried to make the song his own. Good. He was good although there were some off parts especially at the end. But still, his voice mesmerized me. He is such a good singer with great potential. Lovely tone. Way to go boy! IN

1. Stacy – Don’t Speak

Give this girl anything, she can do it. Nothing much I can say about her performance. It was great. I enjoyed it. I understand her story. She’s a star! SO IN!

Next week, the concert will be held in at Istana Budaya. Wow! A lil’ bit too big for them don’t you think? Especially for Toi. I hope Stanly will ‘goreng’. Hope my three favs will excel. Good luck.

Till next time. Out!

*Pictures courtesy of Mr Manager*

I'm Bored To Death

2008-04-27T09:59:00.004+08:00

The title says it all, FYI

p/s: why the capitals?

Homeless

2008-04-25T08:26:00.003+08:00

Waiting here
For you to call me
For you to tell me
That everything's a big mistake

Waiting here
In this rainfall
Feeling so small
This dream was not suppose to break

I'm so sorry now
For the pain I caused you
Wont you please forgive
Please

But you don't love me anymore
You don't want me anymore
There's a sign on your door
No vacancy, just emptiness
Without your love
I'm homeless

In this cold
I'm walking aimless
Feeling helpless
Without a shelter from the storm

In my heart
I miss you so much
Missing your touch
And the bed that used to be so warm

I'm so sorry now
For the pain I caused you
Wont you please forgive
Please..

Homeless, Leona Lewis

Footprints In The Sand

2008-04-25T08:16:00.003+08:00

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair

And I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand
When I'm weary
Well I know you'll be there
Cause I can feel you
When you say

Footprints In The Sand, Leona Lewis

You Gave Me Something

2008-04-24T19:12:00.003+08:00

I was down. I needed someone to talk to. So I decided to call him. To talk to him. He gave me few advices on how to face my situation. Whatever he said were the things that I’m supposed to do. But I just do not have that much of courage to do it. I listened to him talking, until he said something that really struck me.

“Aku rasa kau ada masalah dengan diri kau. Mungkin itu antara faktor kenapa kau rasa macam ni”

More or less the same. He did tell me that he was just telling me how he feels, not that he is sure that I have problems with myself. It made me think for a while. How true it is. It was like a tight slap on my face telling me to wake up. Wakey wakey!

I’m gonna fight these demons in me. I’ll try my best to do whatever I can. I’m a strong person and nothing will stop me from becoming one. To you my friend and you know who you are, if you ever read this, I wanna say thank you. You are truly something.

Kupu Kupu III

2008-04-22T09:42:00.003+08:00

Kupu kupu
Warnamu, tarianmu, dirimu
Ku renung dari kejauhan

Mimpiku hanyalah mimpi
Pasti hilang tibanya hari
Biarpun ku bernafas di udaramu
Namun tetap ku lelah mengenangmu

Kupu kupu
Teruskanlah terbanganmu
Takkan ku ganggu keriangan itu
Ku janji ini padamu

Bangun aku dari leka ini
Ku tenung dirimu tuk sekian kali
Biar kulepas segala rasa
Biar kupendam segala cita

Berat hatiku melepas rasa ini
Namun tak bisa ku teruskan lagi

Kupu kupu
Terbanglah kau di kedamaian
Bebaslah kau di awanan
Akan ku datang lagi tuk melihatmu
Kerna adamu menghibur laraku

Kiranya kau sepi
Kiranya kau sunyi
Kau tahu di mana untuk kau cari
Di taman ini akan ku nanti

Kupu kupu
Di sini aku akhirkan
Sebuah impian yang ku angankan
Tidak ku akan melupakanmu
Tidak ku akan meninggalmu
Indah dirimu kan kekal di jiwaku

Kupu kupu ku..

Chasing Pavements

2008-04-21T21:46:00.003+08:00

I've made up my mind
don't need to think it over
if I'm wrong i am right
don't need to look no further
this ain't lust i know this is love

But if i tell the world
I'll never say enough
cos it was not said to you
and thats exactly what i need to do
if i end up with you

Should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there
Should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

Chasing Pavements, Adele

Kupu Kupu II

2008-04-21T08:29:00.002+08:00

Ku lihat kupu kupu itu
Tarian indah penuh riang
Di taman larangan
Yang indah pandangan

Ku masih lagi menyimpan impian
Yang pernah ku angankan
Namun tak mungkin
Rasa itu dinyatakan

Kupu kupu ku lihat terbang

Ku ingin menggapaimu
Di kala kau memerlukan
Ku ingin menyentuhmu
Di kala kau kesepian
Namun tak bisa tanganku mencapai
Ku tak bisa..

Ku duduk melihatmu menari
Kau riang hatiku senang
Kau resah hatiku gundah
Namun ku hanya mampu menahan
Segala rasa tersimpan

Haruskah ku lepas rasa ini pergi?
Kerna nyata kau tak ku miliki
Haruskan ku terus melihatmu?
Dan menyimpan dendam dan rindu

Kupu kupu
Jasadku tak mampu meluahkan
Batinku tak bisa meneruskan
Moga kau terus riang
Merasa bahagia di taman itu
Kiranya kau terluka
Terbanglah padaku
Kan ubati luka itu
Dengan hatiku..

Menanti Pasti

2008-04-20T23:58:00.000+08:00

Kegelapan malam ini menyesakkan jiwa,
Tanpa bintang untuk aku mimpikan mimpimu,
Aku…merindu indah bulan,
Menyuluh kelam malam,
Mengharap bintang akan bersinar

Menanti Pasti, Siti Nurhaliza

REVIEW AF6 5TH CONCERT : BU HETTY, BU KARTINI

2008-04-20T11:35:00.004+08:00

I managed to watch the concert live. As in, I was there, in the hall, watching them perform. Thanks to Mr Manager who was so kind giving me the opportunity to watch the concert and became part of the live audience. I’ve had quite a rough week, so watching the concert did cheer me up a little bit.

My review is gonna be slightly different this time. I’m gonna divide the performances into two. The good and the bad. There will be the best of the best and the worst of the worst. It’s going to be reviewed randomly, not according to my ranking from 9-1. Pardon my language. Here we go.

The Good

Riz – Time Is Running Out
He was awesome. I love his performance. It was definitely one of his best. He was clearly in control. His voice projection was good to me. He is so versatile and consistent. I want to see him in the final concert. I just want him to tone down his attitude and slim down his body. If he managed to successfully achieve those two, I believe he will be the next male singing sensation, like Anuar Zain. SO IN!

Stacy – Makhluk Tuhan Paling Seksi
She is a star and nobody can deny that. I really really enjoyed her performance. It was spectacular! Words can’t describe how good she was. Her movements were great, her vocal was outstanding. I love her tone. That husky tone makes me go crazy! I want her to win and please, let her win. She deserves it. SO IN!

Nadia – Kalis Rindu
This girl knows how to capture the audience. Her performance to me was really good. She enjoyed singing the song, she was telling a story and the story was good. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She’s cute! SO IN!

Rina – Syurga & Neraka
She’s a performer. Well, at least she tried to be one. Her vocal wasn’t stunning. Her dress was a bit too much. But her performance as a whole was good. I like it when she tried to communicate with the audience. Good job mama! IN

All of them deserve a place in the final concert. They have been showing consistency, good improvements and I hope the audience will vote for them instead of others. Not to say the rest of the contestants are not good, but these four are just better than them.

Now let’s move on to the bad ones. Though there are few good performances in the bad category, but I still think their performances were a bit bland, mediocre and weak as a whole.

The Bad

Stanly – Umi
It is such a nice song. Stanly was okay. Hearing him singing live is different than watching it at home. He has one powerful and loud voice. But it’s true. He needs to control his microphone while singing. His projection was really good but because of the weakness in controlling the mic, his sounded like screaming, not singing. I thought his emotions were forced. He should not THINK too much about his movements and gestures. Let it come naturally and make sure the emotion comes from the heart. He deserves another week. OUT!

Saida – Bila Bunga Bunga Berguguran
Call me jiwang or whatever, I have this song in my Ipod and I love it so very much. The song is very soothing but sad. I dunno why, but I think that I’m starting to like Saida although I don’t think she is a good singer. She can sing but she’s definitely not a singer material. But she can grab attention. People would want to look at her, and they will expect more from her. Like me. She was beautiful last night. My friend told me that he likes her. She’s cute! Yes, she is cute. There something about Saida. Too bad she’s gone. Her performance was just okay. I was so mad at her because she tends to let go of her emotion sooner that she’s supposed to. She wasn’t in control of her own emotions. Argh! OUT!

Nubhan – Kembali Senyum
Nubhan disappoints me big time! I was furious because he didn’t perform well. Luckily Ibu Hetty likes him. Probably because of his tone. But he is not working it. I thought he sounded off a little a bit. He didn’t make the song his own. I like the Japanese/Korean version of the song better than the Malay. Nubhan needs to step up. Find his x-factor. Find his identity. OUT!

Alif – Hai
He was okay. Just okay. Multitasking on stage is not easy. Multitasking one stage in from of hundreds of people IS definitely hard. But I think Alif pulled it off. Why is his percentage so high?? OUT!

Toi – Beautiful Girls
I was laughing my ass off. I dunno. It was just wrong wrong wrong. Horrendous with a capital H. The lowest level of karaoke. If Simon said to Brooke, ‘it’s like ordering a hamburger without the meat’. But watching him perform, was like ordering a Big Mac at KFC where you will get a tight slap on your face for being stupid. He needs to go. He should have gone. He’s TOO mediocre. GET THE FREAKING OUT!

Now, here’s my ACTUAL ranking.

1. Stacy
2. Riz
3. Nadia
4. Rina

(HUGE GAP)

5. Stanly
6. Alif
7. Saida
8. Nubhan

(HUGE GAP x 10)

9. Toi

That’s all folks. Till next time. Out!

Unwell

2008-04-18T09:01:00.003+08:00

Time is running out. No, I’m not dying.

Call me paranoid or anything, but I always have the tendency to imagine what the future would be. Usually it won’t be a nice picture for me. I always imagine it to be sad, empty and full of misery. Why? Because that is what I’m afraid of.

I know it a very negative thing to do and I should avoid it and just of think something positive or just don’t think of it at all. But hey, it’s me. It’s not that I don’t wanna be positive but sometimes, well most of the times before this, when I think of something positive, it usually turn the other way round. And obviously it will crush my heart. Break it into million little pieces and I would face a tough time mending it, alone.

I don’t know why I am like this. I’m trying my best to hide my feelings, to control everything so that I will be just okay when everything is gone. I know I’m not alone in this world. I have family, I have friends and etc. But deep down inside, I don’t feel the joy of sharing days, happiness and care with others. It’s merely on the surface, nothing deep and meaningful.

I need meanings in my life. Everything that I do, I want it to be meaningful, to me, and to others. Call me deep or whatever, but that’s just me. To me life is a celebration. We would want to celebrate the days with the person we care the most. I guess to those who knows how it feels to have someone they love, would understand what I mean by this.

I have been blessed with a great family, a good father, a wonderful mother and an amazing little sister. My family isn’t big. It’s very small. We do have relatives but we are not close to each other. Maybe it’s due to the fact that we seldom meet each other. We only gather when there are any special occasions which I’ve always skipped. It’s not because I don’t like to socialize with them, but I just don’t feel any connection. They would always treat my family differently so that’s why I don’t really enjoy being with them.

Well, enough about my family.

I’m slightly down today. Like I said, I’m trying my best to control myself. To not think, or do something which I’m not supposed to do. It’s very hard. I’m keeping it normal. As normal as it can be. But part me of me want it to be different, but I’m running out of time. What should I do?

If ever the day comes, when I just shut myself off from anyone and EVERYONE, that means I’ve reached my peak.

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

“All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I dont know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

Im talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow Ive lost my mind

I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away”

Wonderful Life

2008-04-17T08:52:00.002+08:00

Suns in your eyes, heat is in your hair, they seem to hate you, because you're
there, And I need a friend, oh I need a friend, to make me happy, and I stand
here on my own

taken from the song 'Wonderful Life' by Tina Cousins

Such a beautiful song, with a beautiful meaning.

Kupu Kupu

2008-04-15T08:31:00.003+08:00

Ada seekor kupu kupu
Punyai sayap yang indah
Ku lihat kupu kupu itu terbang bebas
Mempersona pandangan yang tiada terbatas

Ku duduk melihat kupu kupu itu
Ku angan untuk dia datang padaku
Kupu kupu kulihat terbang
Ke sana sini begitu riang
Begitu cantik untuk dipandang

Ada seekor kupu kupu
Berwarna putih bersulam biru
Ku lihat kupu kupu itu
Begitu menarik rasa di kalbu

Ku ingin menyentuh kupu kupu itu
Tapi sayang tangan tak sampai
Ku ingin memiliki kupu kupu itu
Tapi sayang, ia terbang di taman larangan
Bagaimana rasa menyimpan impian
Yang sukar untuk ditunaikan?

Di sini ku duduk melihat kupu kupu
Berharap agar ia terbang padaku
Kupu kupu, jangan pergi jauh dariku

Biarpun tak mungkin kau tahu

Rasa yang tersemat di hatiku

Namun ku mahu engkau tahu
Ku ingin melihatmu selalu

Vulnerability

2008-04-14T11:43:00.002+08:00

Vulnerable = capable of being hurt : susceptible to injury or disease

and I'm vulnerable.

Na Na Na

2008-04-14T10:36:00.002+08:00

I woke up this morning feeling lazy. I set my alarm at 6.15 am this time. Usually it will be 6.30 but I found that 45 minutes of getting ready is not enough for me. The first thing I would do usually is take my bath. My cold morning bath. Then I’ll perform the Morning Prayer and surf the net for about 10-15 minutes. After that I’ll be putting on my attire and do my hair. Just a little bit as my hair is slightly easier to manage now.

That’s basically sum up my daily morning routine. Nothing interesting tho. I don’t take breakfast at home. I’ll usually buy it on my way to the office or sometimes I just don’t take any.

Last night, I slept quite late. I wanted to sleep earlier but somehow I couldn’t close my eyes. But it was better than the night before. Saturday night I mean. I dunno what was wrong with me but on that night, I only got to sleep at almost 4 in the morning. Earlier that night, I went out with a friend of mine for dinner at Ampang. It was a nice dinner. I came back home at around 11 something. We talked, well, I talked quite a lot. Knowing me, I can be quite talkative especially to those I think I can get along with very well. But I’m trying to tone myself down so that I won’t annoy the person that I’m talking to. You know, you never know what others might think of you right? No, I’m not trying to give good impressions. I’m just trying to keep a good vibe.

Making good impression is important but not to the extend of trying to make others to like you for the sake of liking you and being their friends. Frankly speaking, I have done that before and when I think about it now, I feel so stupid because of that Maybe it’s due to my age factor back then, I was younger and naïve-r. Haha. But now, like I said, I’m trying to keep it cool. I will never try to change myself just to fit into someone else’s life.

I’ve always told myself not to really care what others might think or are thinking about me and I’m doing just that but sometimes you need to think what others prolly think or are thinking about you so that you know what your flaws might be, what are you lacking of and what mistakes need to be corrected. Nobody’s perfect. So if you like me for who I am, then it will be my greatest pleasure to have you in my life but if you don’t and think that I might not be good enough for you , there’s nothing I could say other than, thank you for trying to know me. I’m just an ordinary person with a big heart (I think!). Nothing special about me but if you consider having a big heart is a special power, I’m honored. Haha.

Some people say, I sounded and acted more matured than normal people at my age. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or not but I’ll just gonna take it as a compliment. I do have the ‘childish’ side of me. Everyone does right? I can be whiny, I can be impatient, I can be anything you could think of (well not the really bad ones la). I tend to get bored easily of things unless I really really like or in love with THAT thing. I admit, I like to over analyze things, over think certain stuffs but hey, call me paranoid or anything, I just want it to be almost perfect (coz I know nothing can be perfect). I might look complicated but trust me, I don’t think I am. Maybe I’m fussy in choosing food for myself, but I guess I’m a simple person. I can befriend anyone but just make sure you don’t get on my nerves la and make sure you are not a serial killer. I don't wanna die at a young age. I just turned 20 few months ago okay! :P.

Why am I crapping bout myself? I dunno. Maybe I’m just bored right now. So rather than talking to myself and scare other people (they might think I’m going crazy or something), it’s better for me to write it. This blog is my friend. He knows me better than anyone else. I just wish he could be alive because I know he will forever be here by my side.

I guess it’s better for me to stop or else this post will be longer than the Klang river. *wink*

Lelahan Jiwa

2008-04-13T23:37:00.004+08:00

Aku mencari sesuatu yang belum ku tahu
Aku mengharap sesuatu yang mungkin bukan milikku
Di mana kan ku jumpa hati yang perlu
Menginginkan aku di setiap waktu?

Mimpi yang datang tak pernah ku kecap
Mimpi yang datang kerap ku hilang
Aku bermimpi sesuatu yang ku tak pasti
Aku bermimpi jiwa tak terisi

Ku cuba melangkah meniti kegelapan
Kerap ku terjatuh ku tangisi sakitnya
Ku bangun semula dengan kekuatan
Namun kesannya masih kekal ada

Ku temu jiwa jiwa yang baru
Ingin ku simpan di dalam kamarku
Ku lihat kebahagian jiwa jiwa itu
Cemburu menjelma merungsing hatiku

Lelah sungguh perasaan ini
Lelah sungguh memikirkan nasib diri
Akankah ada tangan yang menangkapku?
Saat ku jatuh dari anganku?

Letih sudah aku berjalan
Jauh lagi di hadapan pandangan
Langkahku kian merapuh
Hatiku kian tersentuh
Bilakah impianku kan berlabuh?

Ku tuliskan bait dari lagu
‘Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah, dalam tidurmu’
Ku titipkan bait dari lagu
‘Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang mungkin bisa kau sentuh’
Indah, terlalu indah
Tetapi hanya mungkin terjadi di dalam angan

Kiranya ada yang bisa ku rindu
Ingin ku peluk dirinya selalu
Kiranya ada yang merinduiku
Pupuklah sayang di kalbu

Moga ku bisa melawan kesepian
Kiranya tiada untukku teman
Moga ku bisa menempuh rintangan
Mencari sinar di penghujung jalan

Cinta Dalam Hati

2008-04-13T03:00:00.000+08:00

Mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
Mengagumi tanpa dicintai
Tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
Dengan hidupmu, dalam hidupmu

Telah lama ku pendam perasaan itu
Menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
Tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
Bahagia untukku, bahagia untukku

Ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu
Meski ku tunggu hingga hujung waktuku
Dan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
Dan izinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
Tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
Dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejap saja

REVIEW AF6 4th CONCERT: GRUMPY OGY

2008-04-13T01:08:00.003+08:00

Okay, I managed to watch it tonight when I was having my dinner with a friend of mine. Frankly speaking I didn’t enjoy tonight’s concert. It was like back to square one. Almost everyone gave an average performance. Nothing spectacular (has it been any?). I’m having a tough time to rank the performance. It was THAT boring.

Can I criticize the judges? Okay, maybe not all of them, but only one. Ogy, why so grumpy tonight? And please lah, why so complicated? I know she’s trying to teach the students stuffs but certain times she went overboard by criticizing the unnecessary things. Text, subtext or whatsoever. I don’t care. It’s not a performing arts class, it was a concert! When a student gave a good performance, please give them credit. And please lah, keep it real. It’s not some drama or theatrical performances so don’t over analyze things. I admit she is a good judge, but sometimes she tends to show that she knows everything but I personally think she doesn’t.

For me, only 3 students managed to excel tonight. The rest was out of the chart. One was out of the world. If I were the principal, I would personally kick out maybe 5 students. Seriously. I don’t see anything good about them as a performe/singer. Let’s start the review. Pardon my language. Here we go.

10. Stanly – Kasih Tercipta
Kasih Tercipta my a**! It was more like Hantu Tercipta. What the hell was that? He wasn’t singing for god sake! He reminds me of a military sergeant giving orders to his cadets. You know, “left, right, left , right”. You get what I mean. It was the most horrible, scary, horrendous performance of the night. Nothing could precisely describe how bad it was. I was literally putting my finger in my ears to avoid listening to the horrible sound of his singing. GET THE FREAKING OUT!!

(HUGE GAP)

9. Toi – Laukku Cukup Masin
What was he singing? I don’t get it. Was he reading something? Bleagh! OUT!

8. Aliff – Menghapus Jejakmu
Boring. Boring. Boring. ZZZZZZZ…next! OUT!

7. Nubhan – Cinta Hampa
Performance wise, he was okay. Average. But he went out of tune. That’s why he’s here. At this spot. Boy, BUCK UP!! OUT!

6. Saida – Hati Kama
Again, she was just OKAY. But she doesn’t know how to make good use of the surprise that she got. She was like, blur. As if she didn’t know what to do. Sigh. Pity her. OUT!

5. Faisal – Joget Bunga Melati
Boring. But he gave something new. Props. IN

4. Rina – Terbang Helang
It was boring. I didn’t really watch her performance because it was boring. But I still think she was good as a singer. IN

3. Riz – Marabahaya
I don’t like the song. Sorry. I don’t like the choreography.Sorry. But I do like his performance. He gave his all. He showed to us that he is versatile. He’s annoying but at least, he performed. Unlike somebody.. (lalala). IN

1. Stacy – Cinta Khayalan & Nadia – Mengapa Dirindu
Both of them were good. Really good. They are in a different league than the rest. Either one of them should win this comp. Nadia was beautiful. Stacy was powerful. I don’t know which one should be number one tonight, so I decided to put both of them together at the same spot. Ramli, can we have only two finalist this year??? By the way Ogy, do you really want to see Stacy like crying on the stage just to show everyone that she feeeeeeel the song? Nonsense! SO IN!

That’s all. I’m having headache. I need panadol and a freaking good sleep. I hope any hantu won’t tercipta tonight. See ya!

Amour Venme A Buscar

2008-04-08T00:02:00.004+08:00

I have never actually heard this song before. I looked for it. I got to know about this song from a friend of mine . I believe he loves this song, and I can understand why. It is such a beautiful love song. Knowing me, I'm a sucker for love song (ballads MOSTLY) so thank you to you mate for introducing this song to me. The melody is just so mesmerizing. I can actually feel the song without understanding the lyrics.~~After knowing the true meaning of the song, it almost made me cry.~~

To you my friend, if you ever gonna read this, don't be sad. I hope you will be okay.

Mi vida sin ti ya no es vida.
Tu amor es el aire que me hacía respirar…
Te extraño porque me haces daño,
es imposible aunque lo intente olvidar…

De quererte así me voy a enloquecer…
Moriría si me dejas de querer…

Amor venme a buscar.
Te necesito no lo ves,
no puedo más…
Todo es tristeza,
desde que no estas.
No seas cruel perdóname.
Nunca se resignará mi corazón.
A perder tu amor…

¡Te amo, cuánto te amo!
Tú me decías llena de felicidad…
Lo entiendo, no lo comprendo…
¿Cómo me puedes herir así y abandonar?

Te conozco, sé muy bien que al igual,
que yo. Tienes ganas que otra vez,
seamos dos…

Amor venme a buscar.
Te necesito no lo ves,
no puedo más.
Todo es tristeza,
desde que no estas.
No seas cruel perdóname.
Nunca se resignará mi corazón.
A perder tu amor…

Vuelveme a buscar.
Salvame del castigo,
de no tenerte un día mas…
Voy a enloquecer si me dejas de querer…

Amor…..
Te necesito no lo ves,
venme a buscar.
Todo es tristeza,
desde que no estas.
No seas cruel perdóname.
Nunca se resignará mi corazón.
A perder tu amor….

------------------------------
ENGLISH TRANSLATION

TELL THAT TO MY HEART

My life without you is not life
your love is the air that I breathe
I miss you because you make me suffer
it is impossible though I try to forget...

I drive myself crazy loving you...
I would die if you stop loving me...

love, come and find me!
I need you, can't you see?
I can't take anymore
everything became sad
from the moment you went away
don't be cruel, forgive me.
my heart will never resign itself
to lose your love...

I love you, how much I love you!
You told me you were so happy...
I can see that but I don't understand...
how can you hurt me this way?
how can you abandon me?

I know you, we're just the same
your desire is to see us together
another time...

love, come and find me!
I need you, can't you see?
I can't take anymore
everything became sad
from the moment you went away
don't be cruel, forgive me.
my heart will never resign itself
to lose your love...

come and find me again!
rescue me from this punishment
that of having you no more
I drive myself crazy loving you...
I would die if you stop loving me...

my love...
I need you, can't you see?
I can't take anymore
everything became sad
from the moment you went away
don't be cruel, forgive me.
my heart will never resign itself
to lose your love...

to live without your love...

REVIEW AF6 3rd CONCERT : MEET THE WANNABE ROCKERS!

2008-04-06T20:42:00.001+08:00

I’m back again for another round of review. Again, I didn’t get to watch the live show last night because I was out . So I just get to watch the repeat just now. So AF is trying to create something new heh? or has it been done before?It's a good thing by the way. Something like Idol format. I don't find anything wrong with that. But why rock? Why not something else? Never mind. I don't really care anyway.

Some did excel, some just failed miserably. I would rather go to Redbox and listen to the people there singing their heart out. I would rather pay THEM to sing for me than this bunch of crappy funfair singers. It has been three freaking weeks okay! Please lah! Wake up doinks!

As for the judges, come on lah. Get freaking real with your critiques. So let’s get into business. I'm so bored.
Pardon my language. Here we go.

12. Faisal – Sentuhan Kecundang
What the hell was that? OUT OF TUNE! I wanna kill this boy.But how? Please choose one from the options below:
A : Strangle him with a barb wire
B : Strangle him with a barb wire
C : Strangle him with a barb wire

Please choose for me? I’m ready. GET OUT!

11. Naim – Opera Hidup
I have doubt. I don’t think this boy can sing. He was like,making jokes on stage. I checked the info to make sure I was watching AFConcert, not Pentas Raja Lawak or something. It was terrible, messy and irritatinglyirritating. God! OUT!

10. Stanly – Patahnya Sayap Malam
He butchered the song. Tempo was everywhere. Vocal wasannoyingly forced. The ending was over the top. He’s so over. I don’t knowwhat’s wrong with him. I don’t care whether he has huge diaphragm or whateverbut the fact is that he is NOT that good. Okay? OUT!

9. Lufya – Tika & Saat Ini
First of all, Jasmi, please give back your granny dress.Don’t borrow, take or think about taking your granny dress or tablecloth orwhatsoever to be used by AF students ever again! Fugly dress!
Her singing? So so. Her emotions? Forced. Bad Bad! OUT!

8. Nubhan – Summer of 69
It was terrible. It was boring and forgettable. I still likehis tone tho.
Sad. Please do better next week boy! IN

7. Toi – C.I.N.T.A
He was literally spelling the words and he sounded like hewas spelling it, not singing it. He was okay. No energy. Boring. Boring. IN

6. Saida – Sepi Sekuntum Mawar Merah
I have this song in my Ipod and I really really love thissong. Her performance wasn’t that bad to me. It was okay. Average. I don't know why but I kinda likeit. IN

5. Alif – Kamelia
My dad always sings this song. He used to have his own bandso I always watch him practice this song. I thought Alif won’t deliver the song butto my surprise he did! I won’t say his vocal was stunning but the performanceas a whole was brilliant. He improved a lot. Good job. IN

4. Riz – Dari Sinar Mata
He was good although a bit monotonous.
I like his tone. His performance wasn’t thatoutstanding but he was in control. He is definitely one of the frontrunners.Good Job! IN

3. Stacy – Pelesit Kota
Vocal was stunning! I was amazed with her vocal performance.I agree with the judges. She needs to plan her movements on stage. It was quiteall over the places. It’s like she was playing police and thief (people wouldcall it police entry , you know, the main kejar kejar one). IN

2 . Nadia – Total Eclipse of the Heart
I just love this song to death.
Carly Smithson from American Idol Season 7sang this song last few weeks and it was amazingly good. Nadia didn’t do asgood as Carly but it was still amazing to me. Unfortunately, the song wastoo short. Stupid AF! I didn’t have much problems with her pronunciation because to me shehas this country twang which was okay. Love her! You go girl! SO IN!

1. Rina – Enter Sandman
OUTSTANDING, without a doubt. SO IN!

Till next time. See ya

Feeling All Musical

2008-04-02T10:40:00.002+08:00

Morning everyone (if there's any)

I've been working on something since yesterday. A song. Yes, a song. I'm not musician by the way. But somehow I'm getting inspirations to write this song. It's still undergoing changes and everything. It's an R&B song. Heavilly influnced by Mariah Carey (maybe because Ihave been listening to her current songs lately).

Here''s the lyrics

From the first time that I saw your face, I know my heart would go on race
The smile of you makes me fly, The eyes of you make me high
I never thought I’d have this feeling, So deep inside it’s tingling
Please tell me what to do babe?

(And then now you’re here) I’m on fire
(And then now you’re here) My heart keeps beatin’ faster
(And then now you’re here)You’re givin’ me real fever
With you I wanna be forever

(Baby I love you)
I’m singing you this song
(Baby I need you)
I’ll be here all night long
(Baby I want you)
I want you too babe
Come on listen to me..

But, stop!
I thought, that our love will stay for long
But I guess I’m just so very wrong
You’re feelin’ for me isn’t strong
And you lied to me babe, all along
I never thought that you’ll be lying
I’m cryin’, I’m dying
How could this be hapennin’ to me now?

(And our love is gone) I’m all alone
(And our love is gone) I should have known
(And our love is gone)
And I’m leavin’ now, gonna take bow

(Baby I love you)
How could you do this to me?
(Baby I need you)
But I can’t be stayin’ here
(Baby I want you)
Please keep your sorry
Please keep your sorry

(Baby I love you)
That’s enough
(Baby I need you)
I trust you no more
(Baby I want you)
No baby, no baby
No, no, and I gotta go,
Goodbye.

Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Oh yeah, oh yeah,

p/s: Hopefully I can transform it into a REAL song! Heh!

AF6 2nd Concert : The Return of Dakolin

2008-03-31T10:13:00.002+08:00

I didn’t get to watch the life show on Saturday night because I was out almost the entire day. I only get to watch the repeat on Sunday afternoon and also few other performances on Youtube.

The concert was boring as usual but there were few hilarious moments by the way. Ac did a better job this time. He was more natural and was being himself. No more control macho. It was pretty good compared to last week. Just that, I still don’t get any feelings when he was trying to create the suspense elements during the elimination process.

Adlin Aman Ramlie was there that night to replace the resident judge, Ogy becase she wasbusy with her ABPBH thingie. Adlin was good, hilarious and spot on (somehow). I like some of his comments although sometimes he tends to be very artistic but it was okay.

So how was the so called students?

Bleagh. As usual. It’s like they didn’t learn anything at all. The have been there for 2 weeks but it seems to me there were only there for 2 days! Although there were some improved performances by certain students, still not good enough to call them a star yet. But one student did shine. Really shine! Who? Wait until the end of my review,

As usual, it will be from the worst to the best. Pardon my language. Here we go:

13. Ika – Malu Tapi Mahu
The worst of the night. One of the worst students ever been in AF. No talent. No appeal (maybe a little). Ning said again, the song was too big for her. So I wonder what can this girl sing. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star perhaps? But that one also she might stumble. It’s a hard song. She is untalented gedik girl! Such a disgrace to have her in the academy. I’m sorry darl, go back home and do anything else but sing! SO OUT!

(Thank god she’s OUT!)

12. Aliff – Angan Dan Sedar
This boy can sing. I suggest , he should sing something like, hmm..let me see..London Bridge? No no. Not Fergie’s. But this one, London Bridge is falling down/falling down/falling down/ London Bridge is falling down/My fair lady. Familiar? Good. He was all over the places. Vocally weak. He looked scared. Such a nice song but he ruined it. Obviously. I feel like strangling somebody/something. OUT!

11. Saida – Dokter Cinta
I need a doctor. Quick! My ears are bleeding. OUT!

10. Toi – Sang Pencinta
I hate the outfit. Ugly green thing. The voice? Weak. The performance? Forgettable! OUT!

9. Lufya – Cinta 100%
Note : Wet armpit is a no no if you are a performer. Why? Because you are a PERFORMER. Many eyes will be looking at you, examining, focusing on your performance.
But I guess I couldn’t blame it on her 100 percent. I feel like yelling at the so called image consultant and stylist. What was his name again? OUT!

8. Naim – Aspella
Vocally okay. Nothing special. I like his performance. But I hate the outfit. Adlin was right. Again, what’s the name of the stylist? IN

7. Stanly – Sudah Tu Sudah
I feel like telling him not to over do it. I feel like telling the judges not to overate him. He’s downright mediocre. What’s so special about this guy? Good tone perhaps. But that’s all. IN

6. Nadia – Umbrella
Ning was right. The pronunciation was a bit off. Quite annoying also. Again, she was trying to hard to give a good performance. She needs to loosen up. Be more natural. Good performance anyway. IN

5. Faisal – Ranggi Metropolis
Huge improvement. Way better than last week. He was on pitch most of the time. Which is a good thing. He delivered it well. Will cool emotions. Good job. IN

4. Rina – Ku Seru
Not her best. She can do much better. Maybe the song is very Misha in terms of the dramatic effects, so when Rina sang this song with lack of “actions”, I wasn’t that satisfied. But she was vocally good. IN

3. Riz – Separuh Masa
You know what? Although he’s fat and annoying, I do like his voice. His voice is good. It’s like he can sing anything! I’m so jealous of this boy. He gave a good performance. Now I know the name of the stylist is Jasmi Rejab. I need a rifle, quick! IN

2. Nubhan – Tak Bisa Memilihmu
It was shacky towards the end, but I give this boy props. His voice is so enchanting. I was like mesmerized by his beautiful voice. He’s not perfect but he’s perfect. How’s that? SO IN!

1. Stacy – Rela
The queen of the night! I love the song. I love the performance. I love her voice. I love her. She’s a star! Period. SO IN

So that’s it guys. Another review from me. Till next time. See ya!

Konsert Akademi Fantasia 1 : Mencari BINTANG atau TAHI BINTANG?

2008-03-23T00:00:00.003+08:00

The first AF6 concert has just ended. I would sum up it with only three words. BORING. BORING. BORING. Wait, that's only one word right? Nevermind. Just want to express how boring it was. After 5 seasons, the production team only managed to give us THAT crap? Goodness.

Now, the contestants. I wonder how did some of them get chosen. Pure karaoke singer! Only few stood out. Maybe they chose the right song. I can say that, I only like maybe 3-4 singers based on their tones. Those 3 or 4 could go further in the industry with proper trainings and ATTITUDE. The rest? Can go back home, do whatever they do best. Don't sing! Untalented bunch of people with NO COMMERCIAL VALUE.

I will review the performances from the worst to the best. Pardon my language. I'm pissed!

14. Ika – Kesetiaan
What was that? Redbox karaoke? She can hold a note but she’s not a singer. PERIOD! OUT!

13. Faisal – Satu Kiblat Yang Sama
Typical nasyid singer. Out of picth. out of tune. Out of the academy please! OUT!

12. Alif – Sayang Sayang
OMG! Wtf? Horrendous! NO FEELING! NO VOICE! OUT!

11. Lufya – Ingkar
The voice was okay.Big voice. The attitude was okay.Very the gedik! Everything was okay.

But, way below average. Karaoke! OUT!

10. Naim – Memburu Rindu
Where did this kid come from? Ordinary voice. Way below average! OUT!

9. Toi – Pagi Yang Gelap
God. Why is he there? No appeal. NOTHING. But he's lucky he got the right song. OUT!

8. Saida – Terlalu Cinta
There is something about her. The voice is normal tho Sweet but ordinary. But

admit, there is SOMETHING about her.But her performance was just below par. Good

lighting didn't help either. Sayang. Seems like she doesn’t wanna be there! OUT!

7. Yana – Diriku Tapak Sulaiman
Good but forgettable! IN

( I can’t believe Yana’s out. What a shame!!)

6. Stanly – You Raise Me Up
The most overrated singer of the night. The voice was L.O.U.D! Period. That’s why he stood

out! His delivery was just okay. Nothing spectacular.Give him something other than that

type of song. Then we’ll see whether he can pull it off or not. IN

5. Nadia – Rindu
This girl is GOOD! She knows what she’s doing. Her tone is good. She’s definitely something.

But she needs to be more natural. Don't try too hard. IN

4. Stacy - No One
Typical Sabahan voice. But she is definitely talented. Her rendition was just okay. I’ve heard

better. Need a lot of training. She could be better. IN

3. Nubhan – Ruang Rindu
WOW! I love his tone. Very Indonesian. Indonesian's boybands. Need a lot of training. Hope

he'll be able to sing other genres. But I doubt he could go solo. Good nonetheless! IN

2. Rina – Simply The Best
My my. What a voice. Simpy the best! Erk ..but she’s not number one tonight. Sorry. She

proved to me age is obviously not a factor. Everything was good. I salute you mama! IN

1. Riz – Ketulusan Hati
The best of the night! He’s very musical. I love his tone. So enchanting. His delivery was

perfect! He made the song sounded easy. Damn!! IN

There you go.

I don’t agree with the result. But it's AF. Predictable.

Till next week.

Wee Weekend

2008-03-17T11:19:00.002+08:00

I’m having a terrible flu now. It has been three days. Argh!

Last Friday, I went to the Zouk Club to attend my company’s event, the pre-launch party of our latest magazine, Time Out. There was a small incident occurred when I was entering the club. The person who was guarding the entrance didn’t let me in at first because obviously I was a lil bit too young to enter the club. Haha. But it all went good after that.

The next day, I went out with a friend of mine, Harith. He asked me to accompany him to a place where all of his questions could be answered. I won’t elaborate more on this as it was quite a private matter. After the thing has ended, we went to the Pavilion and had our lunch/dinner at TGI Fridays.

The food was good, as always. Then we decided to watch a movie. At first, I wanted to watch The Spiderwick Chronicles but the seats were almost full so we chose Dr Seuss Horton Hears a Who instead. It was good movie (not great) and enjoyable. The characters were so bloody cute. I was in love with this cute little yellow thingie. Hahaha. The movie ended around 11.15 pm and he sent me home after that. It was nice of him to do that. Thanx mate!

Anyway, my Motorola V6 phone has been having problems since last year. First, the LED/LCD screen broke, so I had to change it for RM250. Everything was okay after that. But last Saturday, there was something wrong with the phone speaker. I dunno how to explain it but it was dead and I couldn’t hear anything. So asked Shazlan (my other friend) to accompany me. We went to Sungei Wang and I repaired the phone (again) for RM90. Sigh. I had doubt of keeping the phone and I was thinking of replacing it with another phone. So I did.

After Sungei Wang, we went all the way to Ampang Point . There, I traded in my old phone with a new one at an okay price. I decided to go with Sony Ericsson K800 Cybershot Phone. It has a good quality 3.2 megapixel camera, and all other better functions than my previous phone. This is my first non-motorola phone in my entire life. Haha. A bit awkward though but I’m fitting in.

Hopefully this phone won’t gimme much problem. And now from now on, I can put pictures up here. Weeee!

Motorola V6

Sony Ericsson K800/K800i

p/s : Cool huh? *Grins*

Anak Mak Yang Dah Tak Degil

2008-03-07T09:43:00.007+08:00

I just wanna share something today. I found this on the net. I thought it's gonna be a joke but it made me cry. It's seriously touching. I don't know where this thing originally from but all I can say, the person who wrote this thing is brilliant!

So guys, read it carefully. I trust you would feel the same, if you don't, there's nothing I could say..

Mak.....
Terlalu bosan rasaa duduk membilang hari.....
Dah hampir sepuluh bulan mak pergi,
Rasanya baru semalam mak peluk kiter kan?

Sejuk syahdu masih terasa lagi nih....

Mak tau tak.....
itu lah pertama kali mak peluk anak mak yang nakal ni sejak kiter dewasa.....
dan itu juga terakhir kali nya.
Emmmm...rupanya mak dah tau mak nak pergi jauh.....
nak tinggal kan anak2 mak..... nak tinggal kan dunia fana ni.....

Mak macam dah sedia.....
Seminggu sebelum tu.....
mak dah menganyam tikar mengkuang 3 helai.....
Akak kata sampai ke pagi mak anyam tikar tuu....
tanpa rasa mengantuk, tanpa rasa letih.....
kakak pun rasa hairan.....
mak tak penah buat gitu.....

pastu mak pasang radio kecil di sebelah mak.....
tapi mak seolah2 tak sedar bahawa rancangan radio tu siaran siam ......
kengkadang siaran indonesia ..
mak terus tekun menganyam...
Rupanya tikar yang telah mak siapkan tu di gunakan untuk mengiringi mak ke
kuburan...

Pastu mak sapu sampah sekeliling rumah bersih2....
pastu mak jemur karpet-karpet. ..
pastu mak ubahkan sofa ke tempat lain..
mak biarkan ruang tu kosong..
rupanya kat situ jenazah mak diletakkan..

paling menarik sekali mak bgtau kat maner sume duit dan barang kemas mak..
ada kat dalam almari.....
ada kat dalam dalam beg.....
ada dalam ASB.....
ada kat dalam Tabung Haji..
mak cakap tak berapa cukup lagi....
ada kat dalam gulung tikar.....

masa tu mak perasan takk..??
kiter gelak sakan bila mak bgtau duit dalam gulung tikar...
kiter kata mak ni memang pesenn lama laaa...
mak cuma gelak jer...
eeemmm..bahagiaa nya saat ituu..

Mak.....
Hari tu hari sabtu 18/08/2006 pukul 3 petang mak tiba2 sakit perut.....
bila malam tu kiter sampai dari KL.....
mak dah dalam kesakitan.
Akak dan abang kat kampong semua dah pujuk.....
mak tetap takmau pi hospital.... .
dan cuma tinggal giliran kiter sahaja yang belum pujuk..
Mak kata mak takmau duduk dalam hospital.... .
tapi kiter berkeras juga pujukk..
nanti di hospital ada doktor...
ada ubat untuk mak..
kat rumah kami hanya mampu sapu minyak dan urut jer..

Mak tetap tak bersetuju... ..
mak memang degil..
tak salah, anak mak yang ni pon mengikut perangai mak tu..
Tapi akhirnya bila melihat keadaan mak makin teruk....
mak sakit perut sampai nak sentuh perut mak pon sakit
kami adik beradik sepakat hantar juga mak ke hospital.... ...

Mak.....
amponkan kami semua...
kami nak mak sehat...
kami sayang mak...
kami tak mau mak sakit...
kami terpaksa juga hantar mak ke hospital....
ampon kan kami yer mak....

Mak.....
Malam itu abang bawa mak ke hospital
dan itu lah pertama dan terakhir kali mak naik kereta kiter...
Masih terbayang betapa ceria dan gembiranya mak,
kiter kata nak beli kereta....
Mak asyik tanya ajer..
cukup ker duitt..
kiter jawab pula...
kalau tak cukup, mak kan banyak duit...
mak gelak ajerr.....

Lepas tu bila kereta kiter sampai....
mak buat kenduri kesyukuran.. ....
Dan kiter masih ingat lagi...
bila kiter eksiden terlanggar Ah-Chong naik motor.....
Punya la kiter takut...
kiter warning kakak kiter jangan sesekali bgtau kat mak......
Bila balik sahaja kampong....
kiter cepat-cepat simpan keta dalam garaj.....
Tapi mak perasan juga bumper depan kemek...
mak tanya kenapa...?
Selamba jerr kiter jawab terlangar pokok bunga.....

Mak....
tujuan kiter menipu tu supaya mak tak risau...
Maafkan kiter kerana sampai mak pergi mak tak tau hal sebenar...
mak, kiter menipu mak kan ..
ampon kan kiter.... Mak.....

Jam 4.30 pagi 19/08 /2006
Bila tiba aja kat hospital....
nurse tengah balut mak dengan kain putih.....
mak mesti nampak kiter jatuh terduduk di lantai hospital....
Mesti mak nampak abang cium dahi mak.....
Mesti mak nampak akak baca doa untuk mak....
Mesti mak nampak adik terduduk kat kerusi kat sudut itu...
mesti mak nampak semua tu kann...kann. .kannn

Mak tau tak....
Pagi tu balik dari hospital jam 5.20 pagi kiter mamandu dalam keadaan
separuh sedar...
Adik kat sebelah diam melayan perasann...
Kenangan bersama mak berputar dalam kepala ini...
jalan di depan terasa makin kelam.....
airmata dah tak mampu di tahan....
Masa tu seandainya apa-apa terjadi di jalan itu kiter rela...
Namun alhamdulillah akhirnya kiter sampai juga...
di sebab kan pagi masih awal, jadi jalan tu lenggang..
kosong. ...sekosong hati ini.....
Sepanjang perjalanan terasa kedinginan subuh itu lain benar suasananya.. .....
terasa syahdu dan sayu...dinginnnn.....

Mak.....
Kiter masih ingat lagi....
Kiter baca AlQuran kat tepi mak temankan mak...
Jam 11.00 pagi mak di mandi kan ....
Anak2 mak yang pangku masa mak mandi....
Mak mesti rasa betapa lembut nya kami mengosok seluruh tubuh mak.....
Kiter gosok kaki mak perlahan lahan.....
Mak perasan tak...?

Makcik yang mandikan mak tu pujuk kiter.....
Dia kata..." dikk...jangan nangis....kalau sayang mak jangan buat
gitu...jangan nangis ya.."
Bila makcik tu kata gitu...
lagi laaaa laju airmata ni..
tapi kiter kawal supaya tak menitik atas mak....

Mak.....
Sampai takat ini surat ni kiter tulis..... kiter nangis ni.....
Ni kat dlm bilik...baru pukul 4.00 pagi....
Takder orang yang bangun lagi.....
kiter dengar nasyid tajuk "anak soleh" kiter sedih...
kiter rindu kat mak..!
Takpa la.....
nanti bila kita selesai sembanyang subuh,
kiter baca yassin untuk mak...
mak tunggu ya..!

Mak..
Sebelum muka mak di tutup buat selamanya... .
Semua anak2 mak mengelilingi mak...
menatap wajah mak buat kali terakhir....
Semua orang kata mak seolah2 senyum aja...
Mak rasa tak....
masa tu kiter sentuh dahi mak....
kiter rasa sejukkkk sangat dahi makk.....
Kiter tak mampu nak cium mak...
kiter tak daya....
kiter tuliskan kalimah tauhid kat dahi mak dengan air mawar...
Airmata kiter tak boleh tahan....
Mak mesti ingat kan yang anak mak ni jadi imam solat jenazah untuk mak...
tapi kite suruh tok imam bacakan doa sebab kite sebak....

Jam 12 tengahari mak diusung keluar dari rumah....
Akak pula dah terkulai dlm pelukan makcik...
badan akak terasa panas...
makk...
anak mak yang seorang tu demam....
Mak tauu...
cuma akak sorang saja anak mak yang tak mengiringi mak ke tanah perkuburan...

Mak.....
Hari2 ku lalui tanpa kewujudan mak lagi...
Begitu terasa kehilangan mak...
boleh kata setiap malam selepas maghrib anak mak ini berendam airmata...
Dan sampai satu tahap....
masa tu malam jumaat selepas maghrib...
Selepas kiter baca yassin ngan kawan-kawan. ....
entah kenapa biler kat bilik kiter keluarkan gambar2 mak pastu apa lagi...
semakin kiter tenung terasa semakin sayu...
tangisan tak dapat dibendung...

Mak tauu...
kiter cuba bertahan....
memujuk diri sendiri tapi tak juga reda...
Kiter rasa nak telefon mak...
nak cakap dengan mak....
anak mak yang ni dah tak betul kan ..?
Dan akhirnya dalam sedu sedan itu kiter telefon kampong...
Kiter cakap dengan kakak..kiter nangis lagi...
Puas la kakak memujuk kiter...
Akak kata..." tak baik laa nangis aje..doa lah untuk mak.."
Dan akhirnya akak juga nangis.....

Mak tau tak..
di saat itu kerinduan terasa menusuk sehingga ke hulu hati...
rasa nyilu sangat...
menusuk-nusuk sehingga terasa begitu sakit dalam dada ni....
Sampai sekarang bila kerinduan itu menjelma...
hanya sedekah al-fatihah kiter berikan.....

Mak....
cukup la sampai sini dulu....
kawan kiter dah ketuk pintu bilik tu....
kejap lagi kami nak pergi solat subuh kat masjid...
selalunya, kiter yang bawak mak naik motor kan ....
kali ni kiter jalan kaki dengan kawan pulak...
esok kiter ingat nak tulis surat kat ayah pula....
Mula2 kiter tak tau nak hantar mana surat nih...
pastu kawan kiter bgtau...
simpan je buat kenangan..
Kiter cuma tau alamat ni aje...
Takper yer mak...kiter kasi orang lain baca...
Kiter stop dulu...
sebab kawan kiter dah lama tunggu tu...
akhir kata untuk mak,
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
dan jutaan terima kasih kerana membesarkan kiter...
memberi seluruh kasih sayang dari kecil sampai masuk sekolah..
sampai masuk unibesiti..
sampai kiter boleh rase naik kapal terbang...
boleh rasa duduk kat negara orang...

sampai akhir hayat ini jasa mak tak akan mampu kiter balas..

Sekian terima kasih,
Yang Benar Anak mak yang dah tak degil

p/s: To my mom..I Love You so much mak =(

Biar Aku Sahaja Yang Tahu

2008-03-06T07:11:00.007+08:00

Ku tuliskan coretan ini, meluahkan rasa yang terpendam di hati. Ingin sekali rasanya menitiskan airmata agar segala perasaan terluah jua namun aku sedar ia tak mampu memadam semua rasa itu. Setahun akan berlalu. Segala kenangan masih segar tersemat di sudut hatiku. Ingin sekali aku menghidup kembali apa yang telah mati, namun jelas semuanya tak mungkin terjadi.

Ku tuliskan nota ini, demi menyatakan perasaan jiwa. Jauh telah aku berjalan pada usia ini. Jauh sudah aku tinggalkan memori lama. Luka di hati tiada lagi berdarah, namun bisanya masih mampu mengusik naluri.

Ku tuliskan lembaran ini, untuk menzahirkan apa yang terbuku. Ku rasakan aku hilang sesuatu tanpa mengetahui apa yang perlu aku cari. Ku cari apa yang kurasakan hilang tanpa mengetahui apa yang patut ku jumpa. Ku rasakan hidupku senang dengan apa yang aku ada namun tak pula puas aku menikmatinya. Ku rasakan aku perlu sesuatu yang lain tanpa mengetahui apa yang ku mahu. Begitu sukar gejolak jiwa.

Ku tuliskan luahan ini, mengenangkan peristiwa hidup. Banyak kenalan telah pergi, ada juga yang menghadirkan diri. Namun tak semua mampu meninggalkan lukisan kenangan di lubuk hati. Jauh sekali menempatkan kesan di ingatan. Ku rindu masa silamku, namun ku tahu ia bukan pilahan. Ku rindukan taman-taman kasih yang pernah kusinggahi, namun kini bebunganya telah mati, kering beterbangan. Jika airmata ini mampu mewarnakan kembali apa yang telah pudar, akan ku kumpul dan kucurah bersama harapan. Namun, ia jelas tak mungkin terjadi.

Ku tuliskan titipan ini, seorang diri diselubungi sepi. Hari hari kian berlalu, begitu juga masa indahku. Ku tak mampu mengagak jalan yang masih jauh di hadapan, namu ia kan tetap tiba. Entah apa yang akan kutemu. Doaku mudah, agar mampu ku hadapi semua. Tak mahu jiwa dan hatiku mati. Tak mahu ku hidup tanpa erti.

Mungkin tak siapa tahu taufan yang melanda jiwaku. Ku tutup segala dengan keriangan wajahku. Biar aku sahaja yang merasakan kesedihan. Biar aku sahaja yang tahu…

Wondering

2008-02-27T23:37:00.003+08:00

A friend of mine called me a while ago. He is currently out of the city doing his job. Our conversation was mainly focusing on his feeling towards what he is doing right now. He said that he is okay with everything but I believe something is bothering him, deep inside. Maybe he doesn’t really know the right words to express his feelings. But I do understand him. I have known him for years and I guess somehow I can actually imagine how he feels because I know what kind of person he truly is.

He prefers to be alone (most of the time) , that’s one thing. He is a family man, that’s another thing. He can be complicated and unpredictable at times, but hey, as far as I’m concerned, he is a great guy. I get along with him well although maybe we don’t really have many things in common.

He asked me an interesting question tonight.

‘What’s up with you?’

I answered him rather simple. I said nothing much with my life now. I woke up in the morning, go to work, do my stuffs..you know..typical things. But he said that he doesn’t want to know about the usual things, he asked what other things I’m doing or having at the moment. Or are there any interesting stuffs regarding my life that he should know about.

At that particular point of time, I found it hard for me to find any answer besides saying nothing or not really. Funny. And I wondered, thinking to myself, I don’t really have anything interesting in my life right now. I tried to dig up anything possible things, but I came up with, nothing.

It occurred to me that my life has been quite, empty right now. But ironically, I feel content with it. I have been avoiding myself from few things. The reason for that is simply because I just do not want to get myself into any trouble that can cause me headaches and particularly, heartaches. I’m done with problems like that. I don’t do much of socializing lately. The last time I went clubbing was half a year ago and hopefully I will not do that anymore. I’m not fond of it.

Perhaps to some people, I’m not a fun person to be around with. Hopefully they wouldn’t think that way because I do have my own style of entertaining others and myself (no double meaning here). Also perhaps to them, I ‘retired’ too soon. It’s not that I’m really focusing on my work, but I just do not know what to do anymore. I’m bored.

I’ve done many things. And most of them are somehow, the wrong things. So maybe I am basically just trying to fix my life. I don’t want to waste it anymore. My friends say this is the best-est time for me to enjoy everything. I mean, EVERYTHING! But I think, maybe not for me. I enjoyed being alone sometimes though I am alone most of the time. Sounds lame huh? I’m a loner but I hope I won’t end up being alone in life.

I’m still searching for the right thing for me to do. I have listed down few options, and I’m thinking of materializing one of it.

Guess I have to call it a day now cause my eyes are closing without me realizing it. How cool. Goodnite everyone. Sleep tight.

Dingin

2008-02-25T22:25:00.002+08:00

Dingin malam yang menyelubungi
Hening sayu dalam hati
Berbicara bersendirian

Ku rasa resah
Selama dibuai rindu
Pada cinta yang terlalu
Terpendam di dalam hayalan

Kan ku leraikan impian indah
Kepadanya ku berserah
Mungkin tak daya
Ku tawan cinta yang sama

Dinginnya getaran asmara
Sentuhan mula bermadah
Ku tak bisa juarai
Jiwa yang ku tak punya

Dinginnya bila kau berkata
Ruang buat ku tiada
Memoriku gengamilah
Biarkan aku beralah

Dalam hatiku tiada dendam
Walau impian semalam
Masih mekar dalam ingatan

Kan ku leraikan impian indah
Kepadanya ku berserah
Mungkin tak daya
Tawan cinta yang sama

Dingin by Ziana Zain. I never thought this song would give any meaning to me. But somehow it does, in a very weird way. It reminds me of somebody. Someone whom I have been missing for a long time. I thought it's all over, but I guess, not entirely..at least for me.

I moved on, but there is still a mark. A mark which can never be erased, forever.

It's gonna be a year soon. I can't imagine me saying this, forgive me for letting this words out of my heart, but..

I miss you.

God. Give me strength..

Valentine's

2008-02-14T23:26:00.002+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.
Enjoy this very day with the ones that you love. May you'll be happy always.
Cheers~

Boring!

2008-02-10T02:13:00.000+08:00

Wow, how fast time flies. I have really been busy with my work. I can't believe the last entry I posted was more than a month ago. I believe by now, all my readers (if there were any) would have definitely erased my blog from their blog list.

I'm currently testing my skills in writing ( if i do have any) by trying to develop a story that is partly based on my life experience. I'm not sure whether I'll be able to finish it off but hopefully I will.

Life has been pretty much the same for me. Working from Mondays to Fridays every week. Been spending like hell but I'm trying to save some for rainy days. Well, the truth is, I don't like my bank account to be empty (who does?) so I have been trying my very best to control my expenditure so that my account will not be drained (by me). I'm still working on it. Saving, I mean.

I just bought 2 pairs of new shoes (yes, 2! from Giordano Concepts. They're having major sale!) today. You know, being a small size human being, it's kinda hard for me to find the right clothes that would fit me perfectly. I don't like wearing baggy shirts or t shirts and baggy pants. My ideal sizes would be XS or S for shirts and t-shirts (depending on the cuttings) and as for pants/jeans, I'd have to wear 27" or 28" (the biggest). Yes, I have told you, I'm small.

Till now, I have yet to find anything that interest me. All boring! It's either crap, or just too expensive. Topman does have my size, but who would buy a plain t-shirt that cost you RM73 per piece? Idiots I would say. Maybe if I have those extra money like those idiots have, I would do the same but, honestly, I don't think I'm that idiotic. So, though I have been dying to change my personal style by buying new clothes, I ended up buying the shoes first. Maybe I'll shop again next month.

By the way, Topman = Boring!
Club Monaco = Hotness! (but very expensive! Wish I could shop there but, you're too small, remember Ad?)

I'm so sleepy. Till next time. Toodles!

p/s: Grafitee, I want you next month!

Two O O Eight

2008-01-04T09:54:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year guys.

It has been 4 days huh? Memang cepat masa berlalu. I have never actually celebrated new year before. Usually, I will just stay at home, watch tv ( the concerts of course) or will just lepaking in my room, layan internet.

But this year was quite different. I celebrated new year with my 4 best buddies, Nabil, Dylan and Lian Jen. We decided to do our first new year celebration together at Bukit Bintang. We first had dinner at Luk Yu House Restaurant located in the ever-gorgeous and ever-expensive Starhill Gallery.

We order few dim sums to be shared(they were surprisingly delicious), and our own main dishes. I ordered Belacan Fried Rice. It was just okay. The rice probably was a bit overcooked so It was slighty hard to chew. The taste was good nonetheless. Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures during our dinner as we were all very hungry, so I can't show you guys. Sorry.

We finished our dinner and borak-borak at around 10.45. I spent RM43 on my dinner. I think that was okay, considering it as part of my new year's celebration. After that, we were very pening to decide where to do the countdown. We walked from Starhill to the Pavilion accross the road.

I was pretty scared, there we so many people walking and standing by the streets. And there were even many people at Pavilion. So crowded. Nak jalan pun susah and the music was so loud. I got annoyed somehow. Part of the reason was I don't really like crowded places.

We couldn't find any place to hang around as all the places were full, we headed back to Starhill. Nabil wanted to do countdown somewhere nice with msuic so that we can talk talk (according to him) but all of the places were either full or the cover charge (for drinks) was a bit too expensve for our budget.

I do not want to spent RM 60 and above for a stupid drink (I don't take alcohol) and stupid music. Call me conservative or whatsoever, but I don't like to watse my money on something like that. It's not that I'm not a fun person, but to me, that kidn of thing is not fun. Hahaha.

In the end, we chose to be at Shook!. There was no cover charge so we just have to pay the things that we ordered. We ordered drinks for ourselves (fruit punch - RM 17) was my choice. We took so many pictures. I'll put up some soon. We did enjoy ourselves. I don't know whether we will be able to celebrate new year together again as Nabil and Lian are still studying overseas and Dylan will be going to UK somewhere this year. Quite sad tho.

So that was serba sedikit on how I celebrated my new year with lots of new resolutions (hoping I'll manage to achieve em).

I nak tulis lagi actually but never mind. I'll continue later in the next post. Chow =)

Down Memory Lane

2007-12-27T22:45:00.000+08:00

Strolling down the pathways of my life, it reminds me of all the memories I have left and will be leaving. I’m a grown up now. I have been through many obstacles in life, suffered and survived. But those obstacles are just little introductions of the major ones to come and to be faced by no other person than me.

Strolling back down the pathways I have taken, I have never realized until this very moment, how different I have been. I am not the old person I used to be. Many things I said I would never do, I have done. People that I swore I would never hurt, I have already hurt. I know that change is something I can never avoid. Without realizing it, I am changing.

I don’t know what future lies for me. Nobody does except for Allah the Almighty. Only he knows what he has already planned and decided for me. All I know, I have not been that devoted to him. My mistakes.

As I stroll back down the memory lane of my life, how happy I am to know that I have met many people whose spirit and life have given tremendous influence to me. How happy I am to know that I am still having few of them in my life, to share the joy and happiness, to have shoulders to cry on and to enjoy every single day in peace and harmony.

Life takes funny turns at time
In just merely 4 days, 2007 will be over, for good. Another year will pass by me. A year filled with sadness, joy, love, betrayal, lies, mistakes and emptiness. My life took so many funny turns. Funny turns that weren’t even funny anymore. I once said, life is so cruel just because I was in a very stressful situation. I was devastated, frustrated and I shall say, dumb.
But the truth is, life is not being cruel to me, or to anyone else. Life is just, unpredictable. “The future none can see and the road we leave behind, ahead lies mystery”.

Life is a learning process. You grow older, you’d become wiser. That’s what I believe in. And yes, I believe I am wiser than before. I am wiser today than yesterday. Sounds pathetic but I do believe in it.

Whatever significant events or thing that has happened to me for the last one year, they shall remain in my heart as memories that I will never forget. I still miss the one that I have lost. The waves of the anger and frustrations have swiped away the love that I have kept inside but the tracks are still fresh as ever.

I’m crying as I’m moving on. I’m crying as I’m thinking of all the things I should have and should not have done. I’m crying as I’m thinking of all the bad things that I have committed. I’m crying as I’m thinking about all the hearts that I have hurt. How terrible I was as a person. God, forgive me.

No fear I have in me, for what’s coming in the future. No fear I have in me, though I know I’m growing older. There no options given. It is a fact, proven. I just hope I could get through the sunny days and the rainy days, without being burned or drenched in water.

I wish I could be better.
I wish my life would be better.
I wish to have more friends.
I wish to be happy.
I wish I could share the happiness.
I wish, and still wish, and will be wishing.

Someone is leaving me. I don’t know how to cope with it, but I’ll be as strong as I can.

God, please give me strength so I can prevail.
Let me climb the stairs of love to have a glimpse of your heaven. Let me climb the stairs of love to feel the sincerity of others. Let me climb the stairs of love to be what I want to be. Let me, and please…let me.

Amin.

Goodbye 2007, thanks for all the memories.
Goodbye my love, I'll be missing you.

Happy New Year To All Of You.

Melawan Kesepian

2007-12-23T16:35:00.000+08:00

Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata yang tertahan
Waktunya tuk di jatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu kulawan
Kesepianku...

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun itu
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu kulawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu kulawan
Kesepianku...

Di Sudut Gelap Mentari

2007-12-19T11:50:00.000+08:00

berkecai hati terhempas tak bersambut
sendiri ku pungut cebis derainya
bersama raga nan hampa melara
ku hanyut terbiar dalam gelora

ingin benar ku jadi milikmu
hingga akhir masa kita bersama
namun mimpi dan hakikat berlaga
nurani ku jua jadi mangsanya

lalu ku pergi
membawa diri ini ke sana menjauh
mencari teduh di sudut gelap mentari
merawat kembali serpihan hati
di gelap mentari

hanya kau yang lebih tahu mahumu
perasaanmu tak bisa ku paksa
keputusan mu yang pedih menyiksa
hanya mampu ku berdiam terima

lalu ku pergi membawa diri ini ke sana menjauh
mencari teduh di sudut gelap mentari
merawat kembali serpihan hati
tiada ruang redup teduh buatku
menghuni tanpa ada bayangmu
melingkari hidupku

sungguh aku menyintai dirimu
namun hati mu tak bisa ku paksa
keputusan yang terlalu menyiksa
hanya mampuku berdiam terima

lalu ku pergi
membawa diri ini ke sana menjauh
mencari teduh disudut gelap mentari
merawat kembali serpihan hati
di gelap mentari...di gelap mentari...

Maya Karin
OST Anak Halal
2007

p/s: touching :(

Anak Halal : Halal Ditonton

2007-12-17T11:53:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I have been invited by a good friend of mine who is also a well known blogger ( well known la kan? Muahaha), Mr Ajami Hashim for an unofficial gala night screening (sebab ada goodie bags segala!) of the lastest Osman Ali’s movie, ANAK HALAL.

I don’t really do reviews but sometimes I do. So here is my take on the movie:

Amazing cast! That’s all I can say.

Putting aside Maya’s “weird” street-malay accent, her acting was better than any of her previous work especially those in Shuhami Baba’s movie. She has elevated herself to a different level. Props to her. The body language, the emotions and the way she portrayed her character, really good.

I never knew Farid Kamil is such a great actor! I just love him in this movie. His acting was natural. I can never imagine anyone else playing Inderaputra. Osman chose ( I believe he did) the perfect actor for the part.

The rest of the cast were really great too especially Adiputra, Raja Farah (the psycho girl), Fauzi Nawawi, Bront, Remy Ishak ( goodness gracious me!) and the others. Even Fasha was good. Well, compared to her previous movies, I think this is her best to date ( but not as good as Maya, which is clearly the HEROINE of this movie..she saved the HERO…so..DUH! ). But her voice is such a turn off! Major one! Although I can say her acting, to me, is around the same level as Erra Fazira (which I’m still wondering how she managed to win the best actress award few years ago) but at least Erra has a pleasant voice.

In terms of storyline, I can understand it. There were humors here and there, scene ganas pun banyak, few of romance , many actions, screaming, shouting, and not to mention, quacking ( Fasha was really good at this). Osman managed to show the other side of Kuala Lumpur. I like it. The alleys, the bawah jambatan port, the atas flat port, and the life of people living in the projects ( public housing/flats) which rarely pictured in other malay dramas or movies and other stuffs too.

I have zero knowledge in filmmaking, so I’m not going to talk about the technical side like the plots, the script, the editing and also the art direction work. All I can say the movie captured me as a whole. It can be better though. Congrats to the team for making such a good movie. Thanks to Ajami. And oh, I met Bront and Remy. They were nice. Have I mentioned, goodness gracious me? I guess I did. Ajami would understand. Hehehe

3.5/5 Stars. Well done! Memang HALAL untuk ditonton.

Blackout!

2007-11-24T00:37:00.000+08:00

Been very busy lately. Just received few tasks form my bosses and I'm gonna be a lot busier next week. Gosh.

Aha. 4 days left. Wait...now is 12.39 am. 24th November 2007..so actually 3 days left. Yeah. Can't wait for my birthday. Why? Nothing. Just feeling happy.

Have you got yourself a copy of Britney Spears new album, Blackout? If you haven't, get your freaking asses to the the music stores and grab one (in one condition, you must be a fan of her. If not, forget it and don't waste your papers). The album is freakin' awesome! Her best album by far and the best dance album to date (well, I don't really listen to any other dance album fyi..screw it..who cares! haha).

But seriously, if you like dance music,you know, kaki clubbing etc, then this album is a must have. 12 brilliant, infectious track (no sappy ballads!). For once, I can listen to every single song from an album. Usually there will be 2-3 which I will skip but this album, no-no.

Here's the cover artwork for the album (for those who is still living in the cave and somewhere in the amazon rainforest)

Pretty bad huh? Here is where the phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover" should be applied. It's true. The cover maybe hideous but the songs aren't. It's just hit after hit. And here is the tracklisting. Next to it would be my rating for the song :

1. Gimme More 8.5/10

2. Piece Of Me 8.5/10

3. Radar 8/10

4. Break The Ice 9/10

5. Heaven On Earth 6/10

6. Get Naked (I Got A Plan) 6/10

7. Freakshow 7/10

8. Toy Soldier 9/10

9. Hot As Ice 8/10

10. Ooh Ooh Baby 8/10

11. The Perfect Lover 7/10

12. Why Should I Be Sad 9/10

Bonus Tracks :

13. Get Back 7/10

14. Everybody 8/10

15. Outta This World 7/10

So, you can actually know which are my favs right? But all of them are just great. Trust me. Anyway, that's all for tonight. Don't forget to get the album ya? Hehe. See ya!

Latest Crap

2007-11-04T04:08:00.000+08:00

It has been quite long since I last posted anything here. By the way, see anything different? Yes, the header. You’re absolutely right. I have changed it. Inspired by the Astro Ria’s hmm..I don’t know what to call it. But it’s there, on Astro. I just want to have something more, fun and funky and so-called artistic so, there you go.

I have started my new job. Yes, a new job, again. No, it’s not my hobby. Job hopping is certainly not going to be in my list. Long story short, I resign from my previous job 2 days before raya. I asked for a transfer from the sales department to the marketing so after submitting my letter, I have to wait for the marketing people to call me and do the follow ups as I have forwarded my resume to my sales manager, and he has forwarded it to the marketing director.

I received the call from the market dept on the 16th of October. I screwed up the phone screen, badly. The person didn’t know anything about me asking for a transfer. He just called me up after his boss (the marketing director) gave him my resume.

I was kind of pissed at that time because what’s the point of me writing a letter of transfer and stuffs, just to know that, in the end, I have to go through the same procedure!. To make things even better, the guy who called me, didn’t know anything about it!

Maybe that’s why I failed the phone screen. I explained to him my real situation and he was like, so blur but still he asked me the stupid interviewer questions. The questions were so damn bloody annoying. As if I was applying for a minister’s job.

I mean, come on, do I still need to go through the same process like when I first applied for the sales executive job? His accent was so fucking irritating too. It was kind of funny to listen to him actually. It’s neither British nor American. It’s not even Australian and even far from Singaporean or Malaysian. I just don’t know what to call it. Nah, screw it! Goodbye ME!

So, I applied for another job and thankfully, I got it. As a research executive for a publishing company. I was on “free leave” for almost three weeks, and I started my new job on the 1st of November. The office is quite nice. I mean, there are only around 25 staffs, so it’s not really a big company.

The fist two days were pretty boring because I had nothing to do. My boss asked me to just read the magazines, and get to know the publication better. The people are nice too. But I haven’t got the chance to get to know them better because they are quite busy with their jobs. Hopefully, the coming weeks are gonna be better. Fingers cross!

I’m turning 20 in 23 days time. Should I be happy, be sad or what? I should just be positive right? Like a friend of mine once told me, it’s a law of attraction. Be positive and you will attract all the positive things to come your way. That sounds really good eh? But kind of fairy tale-ish because nothing is gonna stay good, forever. Right?

I just hope, this time around I will get to celebrate my birthday in a nicer way. Hopefully there will be lots of presents too (which I doubt. Hahaha!). No, I’m not asking for any gifts, but I just hope people would remember my birthday (especially my friends) as I remember theirs. Simple, isn’t it?

It’s a kind of appreciation if we do remember someone else’s birthday. To me, it means that you do actually, care for the person even as just a normal friends.

Nothing else for me to write actually. If I were to post my daily activities one by one, it’s gonna take me forever. But that’s not the main point. It’s gonna be seriously boring as I don’t have and don’t do that much of interesting and fun activities. Sad huh? Never mind.

Goodnite y’all!

Alone

2007-10-22T01:49:00.000+08:00

I’m getting the same feeling again. I have no idea why. But I just keep feeling it. I have tried my best to not feel anything like this anymore but seem to me, it’s not working.

What am I looking for?

A lover?

Who doesn’t, right? But itu ke yang aku perlukan?

Maybe.

Friends? I have friends. I do want to have more friends. But they are just friends. They come and go.

Sad.

I can’t specifically say what I need. But all I know, I need someone.

Sesorang yang aku boleh luangkan masa bersama.

Seseorang yang boleh aku ceritakan segala-galanya.

Seseorang yang aku dapat jaga.

Seseorang yang aku tahu boleh meluangkan masa untuk aku.

Seseorang yang aku tahu mahu mengambil berat terhadap diriku.

Seseorang yang aku tahu sayang padaku kerana aku cukup penat untuk menyayangi orang lain begitu sahaja. Sigh..

I’m a loner. And I’m lonely. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know how long will I be like this.

Raya Raya Raya

2007-10-21T01:21:00.001+08:00

Aidilfitri dah masuk hari ke-8. It has been quite a good raya for me. But in terms of celebration, taklah semeriah macam raya-raya yang lepas. Tahun ni pun shopping raya pun tak banyak sangat because I don’t have anything to buy pun. My baju melayu is still in a good condition. I used my last raya punya. To me, there’s no need for you to waste if the baju melayu is still good. Maybe next raya I will get a new one.

My first day of raya was pretty much the same as previous years. Went to my uncle’s house and granma’s place. The best thing about raya to me is the food and of course, this is the only time you’ll get to have everyone together. Yelah kan, usually semua org akan busy during the normal days so susah nak jumpa dan bertanya khabar.

The rest of raya days, ada yang I ikut my parents pergi beraya, ada yang duduk rumah saje dan ade jugak I went out with my friends. Like the other day, I went out with one of my friends, Wan. We went for karaoke because he was bored and so was I. We karaoked (is there such word? Haha) for almost 3 hours. From Sogo (the karoke place, Red Box Ria) we jalan kaki to Masjid Jamek LRT Station.

Sambil-sambil tu, melihat-lihat la jugak keadaan bandaraya Kuala Lumpur. I would love to take pictures but my phone camera is not that good, so malas. Sampai dekat situ, ingat plan nak tengok wayang because malas nak balik rumah awal-awal but then after spending almost half an hour time looking for cinema’s phone numbers and show schedule, we cancelled the plan. Instead we jalan kaki again from Masjid Jamek to Puduraya’s area.

I’m not really familiar with that area and I’ve never actually jalan kaki around that part of the city. Sampai area Puduraya, I was feeling hungry so we tried to find any place to eat, but my appetite was more to real food instead of fast food, so we couldn’t find one.

I joked, maybe we should walk from Puduraya to Bukit Bintang because malas nak naik LRT. Guess what? We did. We walked. It was damn far and tiring but it was something fun because I’ve done that before in my whole life. I think we walked like around 2 km? Crazy huh? Yeah.

Then we arrived kat Bukit Bintang area and we chose to eat at one of the famous nasi ayam restaurants over there. Actually, I chose to eat there and he just followed me. Thanx =). After we had our dinner, we walked straight ahead to Sg Wang plaza and did some shampoo shopping. After that, sebab dah penat and it was around 9 pm dah masa tu, we decided to just balik. We walked from Sg Wang to STAR LRT Hang Tuah’s Station.

Yes, it was like a marathon. Damn tiring but like I said, it was fun. I had fun that day.

Anyway, that was few days ago. For your information, I have actually left marcusevans. Why? Because I have this brilliant plan of furthering my studies. I actually asked for a transfer from the sales department to the marketing and my manager asked to write a resignation letter and wait for the marketing people to call me because he already forwarded my resume to them.

The problem is now, they did call me like few days ago, but the person yang call I didn’t know the real situation. I guess he wasn’t supposed to know pun kot. Whateverla. I screwed up my “unexpected” phone screen. So basically, I have totally lost my job. How sad right? So I ended up applying jobs using jobstreet. I was very worried because I was unemployed, yet again.

I applied for a job with Mongoose Publishing, located in Menara Ambank (somewhere around KLCC for those yang nak tahu, the tall building behind Public Bank HQ) and they called me for an interview which I went on Friday, and after a good session of interview, I got the job!

Alhamdulillah. I didn’t expect to get a job that soon, but prolly it was meant to be. They offered me a good salary and I’m going to start on the 1st November. So I have like 2 weeks of free time to waste now. Yuhu! Oh by the way, my position in the company would be, Research Executive.

Things are going pretty well for me. Alhamdulillah. Berkat raya maybe. Haha. I have so many other things to write, but at the moment I’m so sleepy. I guess I need to get some sleep first because tomorrow, I would be slightly busy than usual. Why? Raya la! Hehe

I guess it is still not too late for me to wish my readers, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin. Goodnite =)

p/s: I miss you so much Awak. Dunno why. But I do.

New Desktop!

2007-10-08T13:59:00.000+08:00

Ramadhan tinggal seminggu je lagi. Not sure whether I'm happy about it or not. Even I don't feel that excited about raya anymore. Don't know why. Maybe there's nothing new about it that I need to look forward to?

My raya will be pretty much the same. By the way, this is going to be my first time raya-ing as a working guy. Haha. Sound big but meh...nothing special bout it. Coz still, I don't have THAT much money to spend also. habe to use my last month salary coz my next salary will only be available in my account after raya. Damn!

Anyway, I'm gonna start my raya leave on the 12th and supposedly by office will be reopened on the 16th but I have decided to take unpaid leave for about three days. Why unpaid leave? This is due to the fact that I'm still under probation and I'm not allowed to utilize my annual leave even though I'm entitled for 4 days! Whatever!

So basically, I'll be on leave for about 9 days. 9 freaking days you guys!! That's huge okay. Yay! But I don't know what I'll be doing. My first day of raya will be at my nenek house and few of other relatives houses. The 2nd day? No idea. The rest of the free days? Blank! Well, tengoklah macam mana nanti. Just wait and see.

Last saturday, I kena this bad food poisoning. Diarrhea to be specific. Coz I didn't vomit or anything like that. It was baaadd. But I still puasa coz I don't want to waste it just because of this stupid thing. And I was weak.

Yesterday, I had to see the doc coz the diarrhea masih lagi berlaku and the doc gave me some pills to be taken (which I don't really take) and she gave me two days of sick leave. Heaven I tell you! But it was kind of funny. The doc can't stop talking. She kept on talking talking and talking. I tak dapat cerita banyak pun about what I was having. I wanted to laugh coz I couldn't understand anything that she said. Thank you anyway. =)

Today, I woke up around 11 something. I slept late last night coz I was busy renovating my desktop. I reformated my computer and I changed the interface. Nak feeling feeling guna Mac. Thanx to Saleh coz he taught me few things. Thanx man! Wanna see how my desktop look like now? Here you go..

Cantik tak? Hehe. Knowing me, I'm still not satisfied. Muhahaha! Will work hard to make it better. Yelah, tak dapat pakai Mac computer, dapat dia punya interface pun jadi laa...huhu. And oh, by the way, I'm also using a new web browser. No longer internet explorer or mozilla firefox, but it's the fabulous, SAFARI by Apple. Damn nice. Like it so much! =)

Later this evening, I'll be buka puasa-ing with my colleague at my new favourite shopping mall, The Pavilion! Hope it will be a good buka puasa session.

I guess that's all la kot for this time. I'll update soon (if I have the pictures) my makan-makan session punya story. See ya!

I'm Dying!

2007-09-24T23:35:00.000+08:00

I feel like quitting.

I don't know. I just feel like it.

Should I follow what I'm feeling right now?
or should I just continue on doing this?

*Deleted*

Sigh. What am I becoming? A hopeless, helpless, whatsover-less person?

In an exact 12 minutes time, a friend of mine will be celebrating his birthday. I will not be able to wish him personally because of certain reasons but I'm going to do it over here.

I'm pretty sure he won't read my blog anymore (duh!) but I just want to wish him A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY and hopefully he is in a wonderful situation/condition with his loved ones. May god bless him always. (If you still do read my blog, thank you very much)

Back to my frustration about what I am becoming right now.

I'm freaking lonely (yes,even people in Mars knows that)
*deleted*
I should not have said those bad words I said earlier on. See what I've become?
I keep on writing craps about my crappy life that making me even crappier person.

People are not paying attention to me anymore. Nobody does! (except for my parents but they are just soooo different! and they don't really pay THAT much attention anyways) . People are so abandoning me. Gosh! How should I manage myself? I'm drowning in my own messed up world. I need a lifeguard. I need a hero. I've lost my power so I need another hero to save me. I am falling, drowning (wait, I can't be in both situation at the same time but what the heck!)

Save me! Save me!
I'm dying.